Crooked Love

Crooked Love
By: Nash



I'm always missing that loving care
I don't understand this other man
I'll try to get to where we left off ..
knowing I'll probably be alone there


baby, baby!
I loved you ever so deeply
I still do, but not in a similar sense
when we talked it out ..worked around
our fights; landing at a compromise
repeating sweet serenades of our love
with tongues whispering sweet nothings
upon those soon wet ears
right after our angry bouts ..
consuming your body as it steps closer

and I'm prouder now ..
working hard at hardly working it out
but being too proud
is also bringing me down
when I surround the cherry lathered lips
upon your silk embedded skin ..
pushing up and down, out and in
you feel my body, and I cherish yours
it's a suspenseful feeling
none like before ..
but not much better either
and while I know it's wrong
these bed sheets move so right!
in and out, out and in ..
walk you to the door, and say goodnight
watching you walk away yet again
with a guilty conscience
why can't we breathe what we had?
can we ravish the fabric ..
with innocence like we had before?
or will our night always end with a door
as we did when we became no more

our love is unbalanced ..
it's hurting another guy without him knowing
but it was mine first
so maybe he'll understand my loathing
I'm hard at work, and hard at hurt ..
I've wished this for so long
in and out, out and in
bask in it, we're on the brim
but we're burning us along with him
why is such a beautiful secret dance
so awkwardly corrupt?
feel me softly open the safe
and find more than a moneys worth
that's mine ..a crooked love


It's scary how much we care
but I still don't understand this other man
I'm trying to get to where we left off ..
knowing that I'll probably be alone there

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=329833
^^
thank you


ok this was a long read but i see it is well worth it nashy man. you changed your writing style i see...nice i like it cause this change really brought out this piece cause you finally got a chance to express all you have wanted with out need to rhyme at the end nah mean?... you brought out this piece well in descriptive emotion aswell as your wording.. you placed words nicely. i loved the story... i also liked some metaphors you used..the on line about you loving here along with this other man or some shit...i am guessing eighter it really is another man or meaning another side of you that you never met or felt before?...idk but IMO you did this piece well and i congrat you with my respects..you did a nice job with this..i liked it..enjoyable read my friend keep up the good work bro. dont forget to hit that link on top

thank ya sir, hittin' that link now.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ed-330177.html

^ thanks as well if u still vote in FL.....

Long read but well worth the time it took to read it like Omega mentioned from other peices ive read of yours u switched ya style up and i can tell your elevateing....u have found the concept of expression with out the rhymeing need all the time and u express how u feel vividly for me any ways...wording was excollent emotion was in depth and very on point through out....and as i was told by another poet metaphors are used for life experiences and erey poem has a meaning to each poet even if its not literal and i feel u got ur point across very well nice to see that u have accomplished and respect as a poet as well Cry keep up the dope writes and ill keep feeding them when ever i am on fams.....take it easy ~1~

Shit, this was dope. It had a classy tone to it, no slang or nothing, straight up traditional, which fit it well. It wasn't a love poem, it more described everything in the situation that you were appealing to. I liked it. Your imagery was good, word choice helped descriptively, which gave it a boost in the audiences eyes, at least from my point of view. Mad potential. I'd almost make this a rough draft, and edit this and fix it up and perfect it as much as possible. I hope it's heart felt, because it seemed to be personal, like you knew from experience what you were talking about. it had emotion, a likeable structure, a nice theme that you stuck to, and it was a very enjoyable read.

respect. keep up, and maybe a collab? PM me if you're interested.

pz.

i didn't really like the beginning for some reason... even tho it got dope praise from everyone else that posted... but the last half blew me away:

our love is unbalanced ..
it's hurting another guy without him knowing
but it was mine first
so maybe he'll understand my loathing

dope as shit dog. keep that up.

thanks guys ..

nicely done man, the way you expresssed across the characters feeling was dope, this could be said to be a representation of your development in the poetical areas man. the whole thinking why and everything was good, i found this piece fluid and if revised at all properly it could really be added to with some more dope lines and thoughts etc. This was a good piece could be made excellent. Nice work man.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...es-330438.html

Sorry for the late feed, but yeah...

The repetitions makes this very lyrical, and even the topic is appropriate to a song, beyond that, the structure kind of hovers between a poem and a song, but it's a nice combination. I don't remember reading anything else by you, but you definitely got a nice style here that flows really well. I think to improve further you have to focus more on your word choice, some examples that are really nice like

why can't we breathe what we had?
can we ravish the fabric ..
with innocence like we had before?

I've wished this for so long
in and out, out and in
bask in it, we're on the brim
but we're burning us along with him
why is such a beautiful secret dance
so awkwardly corrupt?

I think these parts stand out because they are less narrative, less like full sentences and more about the power of the words and the importance of metaphors. They also make really interesting images or feelings, like I was trying to imagine the sheets when you talked about ravishing them. I really got into this because of those images.