Tour The Heart

Tour The Heart
By Mariah

http://i19.tinypic.com/2gxkznl.jpg

Family encases my heart
but there has to be more,
slanderous hopes are
so flavorless to float with,
she motions to open gates
with slopes to traverse,
beauty is skin deep
the oceans say otherwise,
love life and adore
the bottle with a message,
shores bore sand before
as a wreckage apprentice,
explicit content in an oval office
as I walk circles in my mind,
hoping to detect what splendor
is missing in past images,
rhyme a silohuette twice
a pillow covers the faces,
the blanket of clouds
shrouds like fog of mind,
where from here?
where do we want to go?
many places unkown left
but no flight in our heels,
me and my child swept
away from death once,
it's sad to saddle away
when foreign creates status,
raptured and tranced
sleep now and wake later,
the equator equates me
it is only half done,
passion unfolds
love for lust and greed,
needs await to be fulfilled
I just needed to get away,
bless me while I go
for I walk narrow paths,
a sparrow cacks quietly
and the sound so serene,
now family still in my heart
as community's the true meaning

Pretty short, but cool I guess.

I liekd the wording, you're better then most writers when it comes to that, which is incredible due to your age. The way to took the topic and image was nice, kinda heart warming. It's not HoF worthy, but a nice little read. Thanks for the feed.

It's HoF worthy....uppin...btw I am not really sure if it is

emotional... imagery.. all of it was on track. vocabulary.. definitely the type of poetry i like to read. thank you... -smh-.. also i agree with Belligerant.. due to your age its amazing to see you have such writing skills. keep the good work up, beautiful.. overall id give this a 9.7/10.. only cuz it was such a short read.. everything else remained consistant throughout the whole piece.. incredible.. peace..

i like this peice... your use of multi rhyming sylabols with no particular rhyme scheme was cool. most of the poem connected with itself, you know... like this part...
"as a wreckage apprentice,
explicit content in an oval office
as I walk circles in my mind,
hoping to detect what splendor"
...that was a good metaphore yet under the radar.. i like that. i also liked how you used two similar words to justify themeselves in the end. it flowed really nice so it was easy to read, but the only problem i have is that it is legnthy with no cutoffs and its blaine so its hard to catch the meaning due to focus.. otherwise very nice drop.

I see, thanks for that and uppin

this wasnt bad at all, the wording was good yet something's you said didn't make since...came off a little weird lol maybe it's just me i dont know, the imagery was nicely done you did very well in this field, the emotion was decent could have been much beeter though because in someareas it was like hollow and others it was quite emotional you feel? gotta keep it solid throughout the vocab was decent, and the structure was fine, yet the picture was a nice touch also anyways at 14 years of age mariah you have alot of potential good luck and keep dropping

I dunno, I actually loved it sis. :)

Well, I can't say much about this, it was very emotional, I don't think people saw it as much as me, but I found it to be outstanding. The wording was nice and the imagery was nice at times. One thing to work on is hrowing different rhyme shcemes in though...it'll make for an interesting piece, like Ben's new piece. Good job though, might nom it, but we'll see. Good job sister of mine who I love so much!

Hmm i liked this piece, it felt a little devoid of emotion at first to me i though you made up for it later. Overall it had a lot of good qualities and i know it's probably more of a piece for you to get some emotions out so in that sense it's good. Nice job.

Thanks Esco

My first poetic endeavor and nobody critiques it...boo

once more for fun

No body? I've had poems fall off the page without a feed. I don't usually up shit, because if they don't want to read it, they don't want to read it, but anyway...

I don't think you've really embraced the poetic form enough, your too used to writing topicals and fast rhymes. Internal rhyme isn't necessary. Your 'poem' reads too fast for real consideration. What I'm getting at is poetry is about using the right word for your meaning, not a random word for the rhyme. There are a few examples, 'slanderous hopes' is one of them. Slandering is to make a false statement that injures a person's reputation. It doesn't fit because you aren't really personifying the hopes, so they can't be slandered. It fits well with the rhyme and pace you created, but that isn't what poetry is essentially about. Slow yourself down, and consider each word and what it means. You have a sense of style, rhyme and a great vocab to work with... you just got to get the mindset.

For a first shot at writing a poem, honestly, you've done extremely well with it. One thing that I did notice was that whether you really meant to or not (I don't know) your emotion wasn't exactly on point in the beginning but it gained speed as you went on; it made ofr an interesting feel to the poem in my opinion, but I do think that if you up the level of emotion that you put into your poetry you'll end up with a much stronger feeling to your writing and come out with an amazing work. I love how you didn't start out writing poetry following strict standard of structure, uniqueness makes reading so much more of an enjoyable experience. It seems like you got more comfortable with what you were writing as you went on, which does prove that you have the potential to write better as you persure it further.

Overall, you do have some work to do with it, but for this being a first attempt your off to a better start than most people cam claim to. Good job hun, I enjoyed it.

hey I wanted to up this again, maybe one more feed please?