"Life Sucks, Then..." ft. Diverged

"Life Sucks, Then..."
Diverged
Mariah

Challenge me? I'm already challenged see,
Grown up through tapestries painting reality.
Autistic? Is that what they call me, be honest
That's retarded? And thats my problem?
So I'm lost in, my thoughts then-- we cross.
Shut thy eyes. 'Cause I cringe at what we saw.
And it was just a siloheutte of a felt threat
Call me moronic, matter of fact, Call it, yes
Call me slow, laugh behind my back, instead.
Cause I wouldn't understand, or stand for it.
let the ground get washed away in torrents
Right beneath me too, and the water erodes.
In loads as we reload and take a look at the show.
The one man show with no ticket admission
So let them peer and get sick and demented.
Till my last friend makes his final visit.
Grow up mind! and just Let me know why,
Pops and Ma push up daisies, red covered the sky
I covered my eyes, had iron chain mail for breasts
Let my breath release, and in detail the rest:
I'm strong and I've longed, only to live my life wrong
A bright dawn as I thrive on; my parents lives, gone
Nylon, heart ripped and torn as I split with the mourn
Whispers form, figures warn of the scriptures scorn
Lifted morn, heartless frowns on me a retarted clown
A darkness shrouds as I hear the harshest nouns
How far is down? I've been waiting, lost in my patience
Life wasted while smite blatant; noxious vibrations
Stop limitations, you are lucky but y'all it's not funny
"Stop sonny, or you'll end up looking like a dummy"
Fight the cunning, to find decapatation of mind
Change me to blind, set the emancipation of time
No relation of mine is left, taken by death or sickness
Splatter this heart, lame parts, fuck desperate wishes
Can't resist temptation, never passed a test in my life
Let this steel blade glide, I'll be accepting this knife
Swept in this plight, I've wept through the dead night
I've gone to bed right, but now rest in peace, unusual
It's mutual people, I'll have nobody there at my funeral
The usual suspects, me, myself, and I, an ongoing suffix
Needed to be, trust it, I found a way of knowing justice

....Life sucks, then you die....and then it gets worse....

IJL collab word

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328090
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=327989

really like the concept the tempo of the piece was more dark in away Diverged really has away of showing the whole picture and thats what i have always liked about his pieces the realisticness and truthfulness to them are just so great so good job on that Mariah you have away of incorporating a educated level of vocab into your pieces and it all makes sense. for a 14 year old that is very cool You have away of putting a great deal of enfesses on the story and overal appeal to the piece so. great job the both of you hope to see more in the future

A good piece here, shows your progressions rather well... this is a good piece, it's still not outstanding as far as flow or content goes, but it is getting to be consistent and that's the first step. Sad to say it takes some life experience for a writer to really start writing... but in any case, you're doing well. The topic here was well approached and u did a good job of rhyming most of your lines, this was smooth and well written, it just never seems to pick up any kind of complex rhythm that I always look for in pieces... nevertheless, it was cool, I liked some lines better than others.

Quote:

---

Challenge me? I'm already challenged see,
Grown up through tapestries painting reality.
Autistic? Is that what they call me, be honest
That's retarded? And thats my problem?

---

Opener, to me, was not very strong, though, that was a little awkward.

Quote:

---

I'm strong and I've longed, only to live my life wrong
A bright dawn as I thrive on; my parents lives, gone
Nylon, heart ripped and torn as I split with the mourn
Whispers form, figures warn of the scriptures scorn
Lifted morn, heartless frowns on me a retarted clown
A darkness shrouds as I hear the harshest nouns
How far is down? I've been waiting, lost in my patience
Life wasted while smite blatant; noxious vibrations
Stop limitations, you are lucky but y'all it's not funny
"Stop sonny, or you'll end up looking like a dummy"

---

Second part you seem much more into how u want it to flow and get it going a much better pace. Just make it more consistent and try to say something very easy to understand... there's no room for jargon in writing.

Mariah and Diverged... You both did a wonderful job on this piece.. One of the best I've seen so far... The beginning started off nice and smooth.. Then you came in, Mariah... It shocked me.. Amazing.. You did great work, Mariah... Both of you.. You two should do another collab together.. No lie.. I enjoyed this one alot.. Keep flowin' dopeness.. I'll be checkin it out..-one-

Thanks for the feedback.

I liked it a lot. The rhymes were nicely put in and at the end of the lines. The flow to me, is a kind of fast paced and a shouting out loud type of flow. And you two really flowed well together. If this were spoken, and fast paced with the emotion I read in it, I'd defintley listen to it. It's one of those pieces you'd like to hear on audio. Great great job.

Thanks everyone and Engivale....this is a collab...I didn't do it all

uppin again...cmon

wow, cool piece. liked the evil vibe you get from it, i'd say the people in this were fucked from the beginning. it's interesting to see your styles together because they're so similar. mariah has more multies and sometimes they still seemed forced to me, but she'd pick herself up fairly fast. diverged had the better part to me here, but this is a collab so i won't go into mix and matching. great topic though and you two are a really good pair together. thanks for the read!


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328268

Thanks Cry, will get to this tomorrow ^

Aight, you have plenty of replies telling you this is amazing, so heres one that will actually help you improve as writers. Not saying I didnt like the piece, but there is a lot of room for improvement



Challenge me? I'm already challenged see,
Grown up through tapestries painting reality.
good rhyming here D, good wordplay with the word challenged
Autistic? Is that what they call me, be honest
That's retarded? And thats my problem?
apostrophe in that’s, wasn’t really feeling this line, not too smoothe, shouldn’t be a comma after ‘call me’, smooth is misspelled, good usage of retarded as a double meaning
So I'm lost in, my thoughts then-- we cross.
Shut thy eyes. 'Cause I cringe at what we saw.
’cringe’ should be past tense, not feeling this line either, good attempt at internals
And it was just a siloheutte of a felt threat
Call me moronic, matter of fact, Call it, yes
silhouette is misspelled, don’t get this line, the last part doesn’t make sense to me
Call me slow, laugh behind my back, instead.
Cause I wouldn't understand, or stand for it.
rhyming is iffy here, and I think the last line contradicts itself, but again good attempt at wordplay with the word ‘stand’
let the ground get washed away in torrents
Right beneath me too, and the water erodes.
In loads as we reload and take a look at the show.
don’t know how water can erode, like the last part though, real poetic
The one man show with no ticket admission
So let them peer and get sick and demented.
Till my last friend makes his final visit.
nice few lines here, like the wording and the descriptions
Grow up mind! and just Let me know why,
Pops and Ma push up daisies, red covered the sky
ehh, kind of cliché, 1st line started out well,
I covered my eyes, had iron chain mail for breasts
Let my breath release, and in detail the rest:
not a good finish D, no transition to the next part and also no conclusion



I'm strong and I've longed, only to live my life wrong
A bright dawn as I thrive on; my parents lives, gone
apostrophe in ‘parents’, good rhyming
Nylon, heart ripped and torn as I split with the mourn
Whispers form, figures warn of the scriptures scorn
good wordplay with ‘mourn/morn’, comma after ‘Nylon’ shouldn’t be there, nice rhyming
Lifted morn, heartless frowns on me a retarted clown
A darkness shrouds as I hear the harshest nouns
shouldn’t use ‘morn’ so closely to the other ‘mourn’, it de-values the wordplay in the 3rd line, ‘retarded’ misspelled
How far is down? I've been waiting, lost in my patience
Life wasted while smite blatant; noxious vibrations
” Life wasted while smite blatant “ doesn’t make sense to me, like you sacrificed coherency for rhymes
Stop limitations, you are lucky but y'all it's not funny
"Stop sonny, or you'll end up looking like a dummy"
not feelin this, doesn’t fir with the rest of your piece
Fight the cunning, to find decapatation of mind
Change me to blind, set the emancipation of time
’decapitation’ misspelled, wording is off, but an ok line
No relation of mine is left, taken by death or sickness
Splatter this heart, lame parts, fuck desperate wishes
decent couple lines here
Can't resist temptation, never passed a test in my life
Let this steel blade glide, I'll be accepting this knife
good imagery here, like how the knife acts as a reward for the failures
Swept in this plight, I've wept through the dead night
I've gone to bed right, but now rest in peace, unusual
It's mutual people, I'll have nobody there at my funeral
good few lines here Mariah, like the switch up in rhyme scheme, keeps shit interesting
The usual suspects, me, myself, and I, an ongoing suffix
Needed to be, trust it, I found a way of knowing justice

....Life sucks, then you die....and then it gets worse....
im left not feeling or accepting this ending, I don’t think you built it up enough, it just kind of ends




I thought you too wrote similar, but it still didn’t gel well, the overall story is confusing and in reality boring, you spent 40+ lines building up a story, but I never got into it, then you rushed the ending, and I really didn’t care that the retarded kid killed himself, there was nothing in the story that made me care or feel sorry about him. I felt you two didn’t communicate enough on the topic and kind of did your own thing. This still was ok thanks to your writing abilities, but it could have been so much more if you would have spent time on it and proofread. Mariah, if D sends you his verse and you don’t like it, don’t be afraid to send it back and tell him to fix some parts, especially grammar and spelling. Work together on it to make it satisfactory to you both. Mariah, you are definitely getting better every time you drop. Just slow down and look things over before you post.



please feed on http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328370

Decent flow`
Not too much of a self preserve story I perceive you two were going for,
You two really didn't paint a great picture for me as a reader,
Not to take anything away from the writing tactics,
But after reading this piece most readers will take away with them is the flow
Not the imagery or the content but the flow,
Mostly it flowed decent but some of the flow was unnecessary.
I could go on and on with the flaws and the things you two could improve on but I won't [I'm lazy and who the hell am I to tell you how to write`]
This was a decent read for me.
Keep up the good work you two`
Peace`


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328001


^Share your thoughts`

Good Stuff. I liked the progression within this piece. The flow from both of you were good, but Diverged was a little bit safer as far as the rhyme scheme and the content goes. Mariah had much more of a substance fulifilled message and they rhyme scheme didn't seem as intentional. Both portrayed the topic very well. The transitions from one person to the other was approached very professionally and you both shined equally in my opinion. Mariah, you're getting better with each drop. Nice stuff.

This piece was nicely prepared...good job @ both on this collab...seeing that you are both two talented writers...though in depth the piece never really grasp my full attention maybe because of the topic or something I just can't point out right now...but the overall concept and content was well written...though I thought the first part lack at some points it was still cool..though the better verse would go to mariah..but she made it work with a sort of build up affect on the reader...as far as the flow was concerned...overall this was a good piece...Keep it up...and RTF...