"Cryin" [A Father Never Known]

This is the most passionate piece I have ever done... I am an audio for it to but I like doin this one at poetry slams more...

[Verse 1]
Face pain... a father that I never knew
but I maintain... growin farther than I ever grew
remember who?... ain't even met the man
but I know not knowin made me a better man
i been a man... i can walk on my own two
college educated that I bought on my own too
nah... i got a dad... you ain't still
taught me how to tie shoes you can't fill
went from 19 houses in nineteen years
so when my mind seemed clouded I wipe these tears
and I might see fear, when i look in the reflection
i'm the only person that I look at fa protection
i know where i'm headed... you best trust
that I already fixed what you messed up
my soul and concious has never been in danger
so let this stay some letter from stranger

[Verse 2]
When i first found out it hurt to be lied to
mother jus hopin that turn to a bible
huh huh huh panic fa breath
like don't have any left
manic depressed this man is a mess
hands on my chest... pulse is racin
can't speak words jus full of hate n
jus waitin for it to make sense
but more I think about it, the more i jus hate this
eyes blood shot, defined as a bastard
so many questions i'm tryin to answer
tears did come but i'm dryin em faster
cryin fa lies cuz inside it's a cancer
My heart... you won't tear
the only thing that hurts is knowin you don't care
but you weren't there... I don't regret that
cuz I see cowardess and I don't respect that

[Verse 3]
Now don't think for a second that i'm reachin out
and you can save ya breath homie i don't need it now
i see ya proud... but you HAVE to get it
what you did to my mother was past pathetic
your the reason she had to stay a single mom
at 19... like notta thing was wrong
you jus split... try sayin I wasn't yours
I'm not mad, i'm jus sayin what was it for
i mean get real... you gotta feel bad
knowin every day thatcha notta real dad
your a clown... and I promise you this
theres only one reason that i'm honestly pissed
you beat up my mother over child support
and for that... have this child's support
I'm Marc Alan Nichols I'll forever confess too
this will be the only time i ever address you

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=326976
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=327001

here are some of my feedback links... uppin this...

i mean get real... you gotta feel bad
knowin every day thatcha notta real dad
your a clown... and I promise you this
theres only one reason that i'm honestly pissed


Yow peace homie! It must be hard knowing your father chose the circus over his own son!

Think your peace could do with some multis to change up the flow! Had good emotion in this. Well done.

Quote:

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could do with some multis to change up the flow

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there ARE multies... can you not see em cuz of the lines not connecting the words? lol

neway no hate thnkz for the feed... good lookin out

and once again with some dope shit. i just checked your battle with mekz. but anyhow i can't wait for the audio on this one. mult's and all were layed out perfect in this peice. and vocab was on point. so what more can i say..... and i can just imagine what its like growing up with no father... cause i had no mother or father. just drunk foster parents who never cared for nothing. they just used me for my mothers money after i had to split. so yeah this piece really got to me.

"i been a man... i can walk on my own two
college educated that I bought on my own too
nah... i got a dad... you ain't still
taught me how to tie shoes you can't fill
went from 19 houses in nineteen years
so when my mind seemed clouded I wipe these tears
and I might see fear, when i look in the reflection
i'm the only person that I look at fa protection
i know where i'm headed... you best trust
that I already fixed what you messed up''


just some shit i was really feeling
than.........,


Now don't think for a second that i'm reachin out
and you can save ya breath homie i don't need it now


so keep bringing this shit to us. and id quote more, but than id have to put everything down, lol.

thnkz a lot vocabz... good lookin out

Okay this was at the boarder of whats really consider'd alright material for the om section, your title was pretty cliche I've seen it done a million times now, as a matter of fact I think I've seen it recently, but anyways your first verse was actually pretty good, I mean the wording seem'd less forced and more natural and no significant grammertical errors, but as you made the transition into your second piece, it went down hill in almost evry aspect of writting.

I was dissapointed, I was hoping you'd keep it up, but it did get a little better in the third verse , I can tell from the start this was more of an emotional piece than a imagery, because you had very little description of your suroundings, well maybe I' being to harsh, there were some just not very vivid.

Your vocab was moderate you didn't do anything out of the ordinary for me in this piece your writting seem'd a bit rushed and often some parts of this piece didn't even rhyme lol, but it's coo your style of writting reminds me of the likes of nahlidge, you got more of an urban yet consious type of syle to your writtens and I love that in an artist.

your language overall was meh pretty mediocur and wording can use some work to, I couldn't really get into this like i woud have wanted to, your horrid wording and rhyme hles in your second verse really took away from my stamina to read through this piece.

thnkz for feed memento

the first verse had the most cohesive flow and imagery, i could start to see a story unfold through my eyes, it was done vividly. as i kept reading you lost some of the emotion that was thriving to get out sooo well in the first verse. like this is where i seen things starting to get good.
i been a man... i can walk on my own two
college educated that I bought on my own too
nah... i got a dad... you ain't still
taught me how to tie shoes you can't fill

the tie the shoes you cant fill line had some nice poetical insight to it, and i valued that line probably the most out of the whole piece. the emotional to this was done well, i could feel it being an abandoned son. alot of shit happens in our world... thruout the piece the flow had its nice points and its falloff points, but more nice points which brings the whole delivery up. nice piece altogether, keep droppin em fam

This is only the seccond piece I've checked on this site and all I have to say is "DAMN"
Emotion on this one was great...flow was on point..and imagery was crazy...Igrew up similar so I realy felt this one..Sometimes it gets hard to portray a topic so emotional
but you did a great job.

thnkz for all the feed... i'm glad yall are feelin it or not feelin it... appreciate the critiques...

word im memento i'll be banned for today, but can you check out my piece "sherwood gardens..

I liked this piece better than your last one. You had better flow now, but like I said before, elevate on your wording. I read this from an angry point of view, so I can see you put real thought into this. I can relate to this, as I too have a dead beat father. Anyways, heres my favorite lines from your piece:
nah... i got a dad... you ain't still
taught me how to tie shoes you can't fill
Great line, I can sense the emotion from this line. Overall, decent drop, great closer, and I hope you do better next time. 1.

def better than ur other drops....u put some emotion in this one i could see....u kept the flow goin eventhough u had a harder topic to deal wit props for that....but u could use some more fillers to stretch ya bars and make it sound better.....like said before u sound the same on every drop....yea ya multis were fine....overall drop was coo...can't be mad...stay up