Elementals.

Basic.
Daaance.
Dirty icicles and suicide
on high-speed bicycles.
What was I thinking?
Daydreaming while blinking?
Silent while speaking?
Tourniquets wet with my blood leaking?
Cigareeeettes. Lots of them.
Lots of gin.
Lots of pens.
Bic round stic.
med/moy USA.
C’mon you, make my day.
Make it so the mirrors will fade away.
Make it so my wrists won’t have to pay.
Make it so he won’t viciously stab
and take what he can’t viciously have.
Error. Wrong sentence. Back to the lab.
What could he possibly have?
So that the phone wire can’t possibly tab?
Dual fool. Symmetric joker. One line
down the chin. Both drinkers, both smokers.
Nicotine cough – still hoping. Sarcastic loping.
Child – smile. Disdain the fractions.
Sideline the action. Drink your passion and let
it all faaade away. . .
Yah see? See, see, see, C, C, me!
Two – yes – you, red blood and veins blue!
Same flesh – suit is mesh. Checkered vest and
barreled chest. Same pest – same vermin,
Nationality – German. The minimum wage earnin’,
Burgers and fast food burnin’, slow learnin’,
stomach turnin’ Vernon!
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
A crying substitute for life? Or something that’s
not right – improper refractions of light. Sight?
Nooo. Third eye? Quite.
Abusive father grunting at this runt.
Trying to put on a front and put away the other
ugly image as perpendicular to a Picasso painting
as no other. LOOK!
Go sit on the couch and hug yourself.
Take a reeal long moment, Vernon.
Now take the mirror. (!no)
yEs!
Take it! (!no)
And look.
So he took – and looked.
What he saw was horrendous.
So he booked.
Smiling faces staring at him.
Split screen vision.
Uneven math.
Unlikely incisions.
LOOK!
Vernon, take a long look
at what you could’ve been.
What you are.
And what you’ll be.

wow, i've said that word a lot today, but wow. I think this topped Atti's piece this week for me. I couldn't STOP reading this. I wanted to know what was next every second I looked at it. you kept everything short and to the point, but yet it was still so descriptive. correct me if i'm wrong, but this portrays the life of a drunk smoker? going nowhere in life? VERY original actually. I've never seen anything like it ..


anyways, yeah ..loved the read, it was a great eye grabber, didn't make me think too much, but didn't get me lost either.. and still it managed to have this originality and creativity to it. loved the piece, and yeah, i'll nominate it ..



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=326122

Thank you much.

up.

Think i had a look at this in IE. Have you changed your style of writing or something 'cos i cant remember you writing like you have been doing in your last few pieces ive seen. Seems as though your writing more freely and with a more flowing style. Perhaps the best point of your writing is the fact you make the reader anticipate the line that is comming up next. Maybe its the way your rhyming iunno but its working very well.. You were always a good writer but you've deffinitly elavated alot recently.
Keep it comming..
Have a look at my piece Heartbreak's Documentary.