Needlepoint Suicide

F
A
M
I
L
I
A
R
Feelings
creepily,
crawling
on my sk
in. Twitch
ing, cravi
ng a hung
er for self
destructio
n. Your s
tares say
more than
your sham
eful words.
I’m sorry, I
don’t want to
hurt you any
more but I’m
not the one
in control.
Zombie lik
e actions t
ie a band a
round my b
icep as the
cool steel ti
p kisses m
y bulging v
ein. Feeding
these suicida
l nightmares.
Just one la
st time, I’m
a glutton for
thi
s p
uni
shm
ent.
(PLEASE REMEMBER ME)


i'm experimenting with structure, more concrete approach
to writing. inspired by e.e. cummings. i don't know how rb
will take to a structure like this so let me know. . cheers!

links -

hip-hop is my entity - luke.
black dreams & deadly pockets - foreshadow

come on guys, uppin' for some feed?
where is the activity in this forum?

I thought it was interesting how you structured it to look like a syringe. The content itself was average, nothing really stood out to me except the phrase "your stares say more then your shameful words." Other then that, it would have been better had you found a way to word it without letting just one letter overlap to the next line. The line where you had LIK - and then E on the next really made it hard to establish any type of flow for the reader. If you could do the same thing, but keep the words together and not break them inbetween, then that'd be remarkable. I think that's ultimately what your getting at, keep trying different images though, it's a good inter-active concept.

yooooo. soooooo. this piece was annoying to be real. the outer core of it was just wackness - man. the way I read is how my mental voice pronounces the flow and the rhythm of the piece - but the foundation was missing here with the little needle syringe thing you tried to do. It was chopped up and it was impossible for the analyzing reader to lay a foundation and start any kind of poetry-jig or rhythm. don't get me wrong - the piece was good but I didn't understand it at first. I was like - why is he chopping of suffixes with this little flow thing, and then I found the little imagery thing you tried to start - but sometimes people get a little caught up like one motor affecting the other until the piece is impossible to run anymore. this was nice - but the imagery kind of took over with the word-syringe thing and I don't think that was necessary. even a simple picture at the end could've made do - and that would've made for a good comprehension for the reader. Overall, average piece man but not what I would've chosen for the near first piece I've seen from you man.

- Exact.

^lol, this isn't my first piece.

but i understand, i was more so running an experiment,
this is an actual form of poetry, done a lot in contemporary
styles, i was just seeing if rb would get into it, chopping
words isn't always a must, but it was needed for the word
choice/structure. i agree with mindless tho, if it was ever
done in such a way that the words were whole it would be
off the wall. uppin' for more opinions, plus, not all poems
need to be written in uniform style so it reads nicely, if i
take the time and effort to do something more in the writing
you should take the time to read it. look up "l(a"
by e.e. cummings - that was my inspiration. expect some
weird stuff like this in Poetic Scriptures, i'll stick to more
conventional standards in IE..

it was interesting. nice to see people experimenting instead of dropping in the same form everytime. i found it interesting how it was shaped as a syringe. i personally didn't care for the style, though. it seemed to draw too much attention from the actual poem, which in soon time, IMO, made the poem worse. it was a little above average at best, nothing impressive, but not a bad poem. not much i can pick on, just really didn't care for the structure. if you get time hit up my river runs through me piece.

There's an anthology that has some contemporary takes on structure I saw at B&N recently too, if you're interested. It was from somewhere on the west coast, maybe berkely.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kevin Brown

^lol, this isn't my first piece.

---

I understand that. I was referring to your first freestanding appearance in PS for a while.

uppin' for more.

Kevin... This really was visually painful for me...
I should kick your ass for writing like this..[You still live in canada?]
Other than that` I'm not going into all that imagery and other bull``
You are a very very talented writer.
I know it and you know it too.
Now I need some clear eyes for my eyes after reading this.

i actualy like these fast moving mantra type poems f'sho .....
and ha strang and somewhat original how you split the words like that though i have done something similar before ,,,,,,,,,,,,, nice sharo imagery in this piece..........

i had no problem following the line formation in fact i liked it. . had a sort of modern feel to it........


cool