Her Shadow

Gloomy night, foggy sight, past the old oak tree hill
Rats 'n mice, reside, eating through wood 'n rusty steel
Shelby Rue, a girl whose eyes were blue, but at night
Looked silver, or dark plateau, fell & broke her bike
With no ounce of sight, she walked home following the light
Made by the stars, to see the pathway that wasn't quite bright
Regardless, her knee was hurt & she couldn't think right
The howling of the wind, made her think something was with-in
Heavily breathin, she turned her mind to safety to beleive-in
But it was too late, it smelt fear, & that's what it hungered for
Folklore, of Shelby's town an ancient story of un-solved murder
In the woods she was crossing, around the old oak tree hill...
When she finally got up to it... She just stood stiff... frozen... still
Her eyes once squinting to make detail, now wide open & afraid
The foggy background now fully clear, What a hell of a day
Why did her bike have to break, what was comming her way
Moments passed nothing came... but up ahead something laid...
Shelby crept up slowly, cautiously, beleiving in the worst
The old-tale curse... Shelby was witnessing the re-birth

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...18#post5471018
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...20#post5471020

You have a talent for writing, so why leave such bullshit feed to people pieces man?
I honestly think you have potential to become a really good writer if you lose the way you word your mulits, you dont need none of this 'beleive-in & with-in' as these are both natural words that normal people can understand, you dont need stuff like that in topical. Also, I think you ended it far too quickly, the re-birth of what? I know it could be a number of things, but you honestly have to work at things like that, it has no conclusion, it just falls away at the end after some strong poetically written bars you just killed it with the last line,
Just work on all you can, man, by reading other peoples pieces on here & actually leave decent feed, if you dont know how to express what you thought just tell them what you liked & how you liked it, its pretty simple, I hope you clean up your act as you have potential to become a better writer,
I hope to read more from you too :)

Check my pieces on my sig, & leave feed please,
Good feed. lol.

I was trying to leave the ending & what happend etc; for the reader to guess or assume. Tried to just give basics up until what would of been the highpoint/suspension in a full said story. Maybe I failed lol.

that's a pretty nice drop....I like the story-telling ability one can really see where ya going and follow the theme easily...I liked it
the multis were good...vocab was kinda weak but in this case I think there wasn't any more advanced vocab needed so it's all good...

good work

Like i told you tebo, ya need to work on your word selection because its too simple. Overall pretty good would be better if you had a better choice in words.

Honestly, Istarted off feelin like a 6th grad poetry school paper.
Then it was drawn out a bit, the concept was clever but Nothing
special. Needs a lil work on presence but other then that its tight!

bump

yeah T boi this was a nice drop ,
your developing the talent,.. just make sure
to cut your style for OM's and battles ...
since your battle verse are kinda written like OM's

any ways to the feed :

i found your flow to start w/ slow or ackward

Gloomy night, foggy sight, past the old oak tree hill
Rats 'n mice, reside, eating through wood 'n rusty steel

^ like for example little words could make this flow better

Gloomy night and a foggy sight, past by the old oak tree hill
Rats 'n mice reside, eating along through wood 'n rusty steel

^it flows smoother like this!

a nice story but, one more thing i noticed you have to keep the pace
on point.... you started of slow.. as you go it became quicker and quicker
its cool... if you have a sick climax ... but this type u did
id rather have a pace that flows same thru out the verse ..
yea and a UP in rhyme scheme would also improve your flow,
not only flow but the total " look " of your verse....

all in all cool drop! keep it up!
:2thumb:

bump, feedback... leave links.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=327410
^^
hit that with GOOD FEED BRUH NOT SHITTY

but yea this was a nice drop honestly.
nice cachy scenerios and some catchy wordings man.. the problem of your piece is just the choice of words you place and the wording of your sentences.. sometimes it takes a clever mind of wit to execute such lines man.. you tried to force some lines which detracted from your piece which made it flow off in my readings man.. you need to settle down more with your piece and SEE and READ what your feeling if it aint the same then you gotta change it bruh.. use rough drafts and microsoft word to help you..but other than that this had nice execution and nice attempts at emotion and creativity.. nice drop though man your elevating just keep at it bruh

i enjoyed reading this piece, Tebo. The vocab was kinda simple, but thats not really what counts... The flow was incredible, try to pick up on yours multi's... You wrote it out just like a story, which really caught my eye. Your wording was amazing.... To judge a piece on just one thing like "vocab", is not cool... The overall of this piece, its excellent... I'll leave feed on all your piece, no doubt, and let you know the truth.... I mean, vocab does throw in an interest, but its not EVERYTHING.... I read poetry by those who actually MADE IT in life, and believe me.... The vocab is far from perfect, if ya feel me?

thanks

nice flow i liked the endin sayn the rebirth shit i was picturin the ryme while readn

bump