Thunderclouds

sometimes something you say doesnt appear hurtful, but after being enlightened of what the persons true feelings are about what you said, those words echo along the silver lining of the highest cloud.
Thunderclouds...
http://www.robpaterson.com/comp.imag...ng.thunder.jpg
base emerges, sterdy thru a spark
she sits by herself, worthy of the dark..
with death- a new journy to embark
and disclose early, from the start
heaven promises pearly to the part
as she thought,
undressing herself, her skins smooth
scarlet scars align-a razors been used
bathwater sparkles, you cant fear desire
sinkin til she gargles, grabbin the hair drier-
air tighter, durin flared fire, unable to scream
cracks are in her voice box, a fable it seems
thinkin she doesnt belong, ina broken splurge
days on ends, livin ina world by spoken word
wanted to be noticed adorn by a glaze
but her selfesteem seems torn by the blade
& her existence's meanin, born by a gaze
of a man loved, then scorned to a place
thats more like a maze, prestigious design
still no truths seen, she jus leaves us behind
a simple task to go get grocerys, hopelessly
ignorance is bliss, if happiness holds potency
most people dont understand the crap
looked at the wrong way for being handicap
a plans dismay, so enjoy when you rant away
cuz theres a 1000 words in her mind she cant say

the drier drops under more,
memories plunder forth, stun'd her core
amidst a thickenin thunders roar,

one memory after another.. a baby, life's faded
& as a child, classmates kept her isolated
a teenager, growin boobs, the flowins cruise,
appearing a man of her fantasy, both in youth
a drunk mother, w/ random pills, stockin tops
abusive pops leaves her in the closet locked
where she thinks about him... everything foretold
no words can explain dreams within the wardrobe
so she writes.. a diary for years, emotions stich in
pops burnt it up four years later.. she forgives him
pages blaze, he moves away.. not forgotten
she stalks him,
states & cities searched just to be lost in
daybreak blossoms, intense feelings relax & settle
the present morning, she decides to grasp a kettle
no tea..
she gets dressed, for wat the stores'd claim
a swift shower slowly approaches with poarin rain
in the grocery store... believe 'n see as deep
aisle 6, halfway, her eyes relievingly decieve
its him.. she freezes, his attention paid
in the middle of the isle, all up in his way
crystal coated drops fall, then discombobulate
at that moment she'd sell her soul to conversate
her face a feel away, his hands shuves her
noticed a silver band... another lover
"are you fuckin crazy lady?".. she collapsed
the floor dragged
so she wudnt fall inbetween the cracks
belittled, she contemplated life, fated breath
no one can listen.. so she contemplated death

midair, before the tub catchs the drier
and thunder burns the sky like a lighter
the ceiling rises like a tower house
and darkness...

..... surged a power out
thus saving her life, the plot lies stationed
below thunderclouds trappin her hearts vibration

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...43#post5469043
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=324197&page=1

ok
i liked this piece a lot
the beginnning really confused me on my first read through but made sense the second time

i think you have a pretty dope, original story and decent flow
my one caution would be to try and mantain functional flow rather than force elaborate multis: "crystal coated drops fall, then discombobulate
at that moment she'd sell her soul to conversate" because sounding natural is more important than complexity

one memory after another.. a baby, life's faded
& as a child, classmates kept her isolated
a teenager, growin boobs, the flowins cruise,
appearing a man of her fantasy, both in youth
a drunk mother, w/ random pills, stockin tops
abusive pops leaves her in the closet locked
where she thinks about him... everything foretold
no words can explain dreams within the wardrobe
so she writes.. a diary for years, emotions stich in
pops burnt it up four years later.. she forgives him
pages blaze, he moves away.. not forgotten
she stalks him,
states & cities searched just to be lost in
daybreak blossoms, intense feelings relax & settle
the present morning, she decides to grasp a kettle

this section was very cohesive and smooth

ill prob have a new OM up in a day or two if u want to return feed on that otherwise if you hit my text battle it'd be appreciated

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=324826

top notch doc
this was a very solid and well structured drop
the flow was present at all times no weaknessess what so ever
multis all over the place very well worded drop
I wish I could write like that...hehe
no for real I loved the story as well u went deep on this one...

props

Slept on

This piece had some good imagry. well visonary to your story like a poem. But the flow at some point "basic" and also the vocabulary. but the story line was creative, and sounded more intresting with some good rhyme skeme. stro piece tho...keep writing fams.

WoRD chekk the sig for OMs

good lookin leave links.

i didnt see anything really wrong with this piece....your structure was a little off..but it didnt make it hard to read...i felt the flow wa on point......loved tha rhyme scheme....tha wordplay had complexity to it....the story unfolded very nicely...on point..never really fell off...loved tha imagery and creativity..all in all a very dope piece...keep droppin tha hottness.~1~

uppin this thing

Not bad, not bad at all..though it does have it's flaws..i found the flow to be on point enough during the majority of the piece but found that near the beggining at a certain point it stunted. Nothing major though...one thing i didn't enjoy was the words at times, trhey were too empty and seemed used for the sake of getting an ending rhythm. You are capable of using a better and more varied style of vocabulary and i'm surprised that you never did. Other than that, i found the concept and storyline to be good and overall, i'd advise you to think more on the imagery aspect, keeping your flow whilst increasing the word style. Stay up^.

all feed appritiated.

got tight ryhthym on this joint f'sho..good use of colour mentions to add to the imagery gave the piece a good feel........ vocab was used dodpely as well i reckon......... emotion seemed to pour as the piece went on.......... and flow stayed dope.........


a drunk mother, w/ random pills, stockin tops
abusive pops leaves her in the closet locked
where she thinks about him... everything foretold
no words can explain dreams within the wardrobe
so she writes.. a diary for years, emotions stich in
pops burnt it up four years later.. she forgives him

^nice


emding seemed cool as can be


nice all round style


nice

pz

nice

Definitely slept on, kid you got some talent. Imagery was clear and even foreshadow was evident. Very emotional.........
'the ceiling rises like a tower house
and darkness...

..... surged a power out
thus saving her life, the plot lies stationed
below thunderclouds trappin her hearts vibration'

...damn, a power outage, you got ill suspense on that one...

This read fairly smooth throughout the piece which is good becuase some people fall off toward the end. Im a fan of complex ryhming which made this fun to read. Word choice could use some improvement and it felt a bit forced at times. as far as the story goes, I thought it was developed well and it had good emotion to it. Nice piece.