Ode To Heart Disease

Victim of the tides that change.Ode To Heart Disease.
The sun devoured the clouds as the shallowest of gusts blow by,
An aroma of centifolas fills the air as the ocean rolls into the sky.
Waves crash against the beach with all the brutality of Poseidon,
So powerful. Contradicted only by the sheer beauty of the siren.
The whispering in the wind mutters a melody of chastity & glory,
Blistering rain strips away at the land for all fantasies & stories.
A curious author watches all before him with intent in his eyes,
Suddenly the rain turns to stones & his knees bend in surprise.
Feeling thousands of small daggers stabbing deep into his skin,
His heads falls & he staggers, his lips becoming painfully thin.
His arms become limp & lazy, his frail spine arches forwards.
The chest expands & tightens rapidly & his eyes gaze distorted,
His breathing is more of a wheezing; sharp, sudden & tangled.
His neck loses feeling & his throat closes as if being strangled.
His temples throbbing rapidly with vains dancing along happily.
His fragile heart struggles angrily & constantly battles valiantly,
Within minutes the pains cease but then return twice as strong,
His chest represses into his ribcage, his mind cant fight so long.
Deleriously, he's gripping at his stomach & motions to scream,
Silence has taken his voice & blood exits his mouth in streams.
Every second his eyelids grow heavier, he's shaking all over,
He falls down & clutches at the pain from shoulder to shoulder,
Brutally, his back hits the sand with the force of those waves,
The roaming waters engulf him & he takes oceans as his grave.
Battered & bullied, his body is vaccuumed into the great seas,
& the Sirens sing his eulogy beatifully, 'Ode to heart disease.'


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=324071
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=324067

Feedback!

I really like this piece a lot. probally the first thing I've seen from you, and, it definately made an impression. it almost reminded me a lot of Edan's, 'Beauty.' the only thing I didn't really like about this piece, was some of the word choice and placement. in many of the lines you had these solitary words that would be placed in such a destructive section of a line.. and that little word would completely break away the fluency of the line. but, contectually I fell in love with this. the imagery was very inventive and original; strong sense of poetics. all in all, placement issues aside, this was great.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....php?p=5454004

^ I appreciate that, man, thank you. Hey, aren't you Atticus?

Im sure we were scheduled to topical battle when our crews met a while ago lol.


Bump!

thanx 4 the feed on my post i'm a look into that bro, but this wuz a nyce peice good emotion and i peeped some of the ish u were talkin about through this boy 2 thubs up.

~1~ Iksentrik AkA Blacc

Poetically great...i liked a lot of it but what i liked most was the great description into each stage of the heart attack. The language was easy, simple and fluent though there were patchy areas...some more inners could help the flow along...however, the main thing this piece ran on was it's concept..the main story behind it. I found that the concept at first was intriuging but later it became quite interesting as to how the heart attacks stages proceeded but what made it very good was how you tied nature into it.
Overall, i believe it was teh good imagery and concept which held up this piece. Very well done.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=324240

yeah, I think I was supposed to match you in a battle that was between po'ethics and johnny 6 feet's crew (dead poets or something). that was like a year ago. think you could return that favor though?

J6F had a crew called Death Starr. I was in it along with Issue. I was under the name *Fallen Angel* at the time..it was J6F, Me, Issue, Gucci^ and 2 other dudes. Good times man good times.

As for the peice, you still have it man. The Wordplay was perfect and you had the right words in the right place. The Emotion was incredible and deep here, really felt that. The Flow was constant and perfect. The Imagenation was wonderful, wild abd crazy. The Creativty was great and added a easy to read structre. I though the story was incredible. Keep it up man.

I added you to MSN so hop on.

this was really good. you had a very descriptive style that drew me into the topic... not many people can do that, they usually just bore me. You moved the "plot" along nicely, that is to say, you didn't waste too much time getting to the point. you did a nice job of describing heart disease "beautifully" if thats even possible. lol

realy good piece creative with that kinda topic
i felt this man , you got some desriptive wordplay
half way through really caught my attention
it was like a first person view..very deep emotion

RTF.
Links @ bottom of my sig.

Thanks for the feedback, especially such indepth ones. Thank you guys, ;),
I will hit up all links tomorrow hopefully, dont bitch, Im going as fast as I can.


Bumppp!

anybody?

This was awsome, everything was worded superb, rhymeing scheme full of detail in every line. It was interesting from start to finish, just with the vibrant wordplay, made it really seem ''colorfull''. 1 of the best things I've read on here so far IMO.