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October 16th
October 16th 1990
She said I was the only one to comfort her that night
I had her trust, had a shoulder to cry on after a fight
On the rickety bench the tears dowsed her cheek
I had never realized, as my knees had went weak
With the force to kiss he sent me into a trance
A thankful kiss on the cheek, and I miss my chance
June 8th 1992
The night of graduation, I wanted to face my darkest fear
Smiling in her cap and gown, my heart raced through the years
She raced into my arms, thanking me the most
I had to reveal my secret, but my lips had froze
With a kiss to the cheek, my heart had something to hide
We went different paths, as our tassels crossed sides
February 26th 2000
With a cross-country visit, our connection seemed to fade
Marriages, children, had spread us apart nearly a decade
She broke the news, with a dagger in my heart
They had caught the cancer early,
But in the following weeks chemo would start
With red lipstick on my cheek,
I drove away from the streets I had seen times before
With a key in the ignition, I wouldn’t see her anymore
May 12th 2006
The leaves bloom on the bare branches of the birch
But rain pounds upon the puddles, and the roof of the church
Too good for this earth, leaving the world at a young age
The closed casket is decorated with an assortment flowers,
And an old dusty diary open to a certain page
Dated: October 16th, “He makes my knees feel weak
I’m scared he doesn’t feel the same so I kiss him on the cheek”
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Re: October 16th
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Re: October 16th
not too bad layed out well alot of emotion in this imagery was a key point this keep it up like you style.......
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Re: October 16th
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Re: October 16th
This was emotional, at parts it didnt come off too well, but in others the simplicity was true & fitted really well. Maybe you could of incorperated more storytelling into it, give it more meaning. Longer verses & whatever could of worked well. I liked the whole concept though, it was imaginative, I could see where you were going with it as these pieces always end the same, I should know I wrote a few, but you described it nicely. The opening verse did get me confused though, it went straight from him to her without saying anything, & i didnt know who's viewpoint this was coming from?
The closing lines was a little shallow too, I think you could of added a bit more depth to it to close the piece.
Overall, nice wor but a few things need work.
Return the favour,
Ode To Heart Disease.
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Re: October 16th
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Re: October 16th
