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Where's Jesus?
Where's Jesus?
"Ok Jeff, don't get mad if I'm a little late!"
"ha, if you say so...........sucker"
Barry spoke with a tone so comforting, easing the stress in his mind
Jeff shaking his head like his brain with friendly blind....a sign?
12:00 a.m. Barry rings the door bell of Jeff's house, but what for?
Jeff quietly opens, "Come in asshole and shut the fuck up whore!"
Barry responds hesitantly. "I swear one day you're going to get it"
He quickly sits down on Jeff's sofa and grasps his head
"You're an hour late you know, Layton bashed my skull, and now its red"
Barry frowning as if not please by the remark. A window is breached.
Layton.
"RUN!" shouts Jeff, hoping Barry could get out fast enough he preached
"Well well well" says Layton, "you guys got my money yet?"
Barry replies, "not exactly....ya see, my dad had to visit a vet"
"You stupid lier, vets are for animals", Layton pulls out a switch blade
Layton hurriedly slices Jeff's throat. Barry watching in low grade
"y y y yo you k k killed him" says Barry, "well your next asswipe"
Barry sprints to the front door only to be knocked out by a soaring swipe
He wakes up tied down to a chair in the desert crying. Layton giggling
"HELPPPPP!" Barry yells but nobody hears the cries. Soon he starts wiggling
No use. "God, I need you, please....JESUS SAVE ME!"
Layton replies, "there is no god you stupid boy, you're crazy"
Barry brakes down emotionaly. Prayers leave his mouth in crazed words
Suddenly where they are standing is now surrounded by birds
"Fuckin herbs!" shouts Layton, "Your dead Barry, say your prayers again"
NO. Barry bursts into anger and finally says "Layton, I was your friend!"
"hahaha!, are you serious kid? I only hung because your mom is havin' my kid"
"Lier!" bellows Barry. "no sir" says Layton. Walks about is Sid.
Confused is Barry, not knowing what is real or lies anymore
Sid, a new guy on the block. Jeff met him at the corner store
Suddenly barry's mother walks out of a crevise sobbing dreadfully
Barry staring in amazment. "son, i AM pregnant"...this is hell TO BE
She takes off her clothes and fucks Layton on the spot, Barry watching
Sid laughing flabbergasted rolling on the floor. then hoping.
A ball of bright light enters their path, Barry looking at it amazed
Layton quickly yells "NOOO!" eyes blazed
Minds all turning, flesh burning, only Barry the one earning
Mom, Sid, Layton...will soon be the ones learning
Layton attempts to stad Barry in the neck....but is withheld with force
A blurry form of a man appears, knocking Layton off course
Barry smiling at the man...."my lord? oh can it be?"
"yes....Jesus is the one standing in front of me"
By: Zelph
Note: I have chosen not to drop an OM so casual, I decided to bring a new style upon you guys.
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Re: Where's Jesus?
ionno, this style was kind of rushed. i felt the imagery alot, and the vocab could have been more descriptive of the emotional output here. Barry seeing actual god infront of him wouldnt be anything like "yes... its him", most of the storyline was eaten up by constant bickering of jeff, layton, and barry, which wasnt entirely necessary to tie the ends of the plot in a full effect. i felt like so much more could have been accomplished because im feeling the new style, it just hasnt shaped up to its maximum ability of wording or emotion yet.
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Re: Where's Jesus?
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Re: Where's Jesus?
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Re: Where's Jesus?
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Re: Where's Jesus?
this piece right here was aight but I felt it was a lil bit rushed cuz I think you could have did more with the topic.The Imagry was pretty good but I think you could have went deeper with it.And the emotion in this piece was pretty good but it could have been better.And the vocabulary in this piece was pretty good to.But overall I think you could have went deeper into the topic to make it more interesting.But just keep on writing and it will get better.Hope to see more soon. :angelsmil
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Re: Where's Jesus?
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Re: Where's Jesus?
Well this is the first time I seen a peice like this on here. Very weird and interesting story you got there however I do believe you should elaborate on it more. Like the background of the characters and the reason why they owe this douche money. You could probably make it into like a big rhyme style novel or something...just an idea.
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Re: Where's Jesus?
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Re: Where's Jesus?
as everyone else has said..this piece was rushed...your lines were stretched which makes the flow go off pint a bit...and your rhyme scheme off point to..i liked tha imagry...but you didnt lay the story down that well..your vocab and wordplay could use some elevation..othr than that...not too bad...keep elevatin and droppin.~1~
