Dedication point

Dedication Point
Desolation Row.

They're selling postcards of the hanging,
They're painting the passports brown.
The beauty parlour is full of servicemen,
& They sky is falling down.
Here comes the blind comissioner,
They've got him in a trance,
One hand is tied to the microphone,
The other's desperate to advance.
& the police force, they're angry.
Floods of more than tears Im told.
& the sherriff is crying for his whiskey,
As his tea has turned too cold.
The darkened cells falls old,
While the rotweiler rots in the pit with the pitbull,
The bull charges Little China in a whitened mask.
Dozens of plates break as the minister is mauled,
The people can only stare, frozen in their tracks.
With just one eye on the frenzy, there is another inside a book.
One eye reads todays news,as the other cant bare to look.
A policeman rolls on by now, with his upper lip stiffened.
"Seen this all before" he cries. Gritting, as his teeth glisten.
Remembering the days in the other mans wars,
He silently walks amongst those manic crowds.
Tears falling from his old, cold, narrowing eyes,
He lets out the quietest moan that he's allowed.
Listening as birds fight over who they pray to tonight,
Clouds take over the sky 'coz the sun shined too bright.
Now its timid & warm as the Bull falls asleep,
With todays long nightmares in its dreams.
& on Dedication Point quietness still reaps,
Or so the silence seems, as no-one fights,
& all the colours of the carnival are all clear & bright,
The stuttering eye of the cardinal is frozen in fright.
Drugs run riots in Rio, from United to the palace the kingdom sits,
The chidren of South America roam Bagdad watching 2million hits,
As Bush can't even try & fathom how many millions a brazillian is.
The following day flickers & the painted ladies grow older,
5 Deciples bickered & the rest carried them by shoulder.
Felines chased the moon away as the wolves howled alone.
Senile prophets strayed, Devils were pulled bound for home.
As 10,000 cameras rattled in 10,000 broken theatres.
& 11,000 stanzas rattled through 11,000 poets ears.
The 12,000 panzers did battle on 12,000 battlefields,
13,000 demands were made, 1,400 hostages taken.
Turbulent ages of 15, 16, 17, 18 & 19 were shaking,
& 20 were forsaken. 21 adults warred with 80 OAPS,
Martys gave up for no way to peace& started to read.
"The world just breaks my heart, as much as the clearest sky is blue.
As God told Mother Nature, "Its diffent 'coz I fell in love with you!""
The war still isn't over, a body on ever shoulder, Bush wants us to watch his swing.
Every child dies younger, & every wounds older, What promise did Tony Blair bring?
The Fat Scottish man is laughing all the way to the bank,
As his victims grow pale in their sorrowing comparions.
Two Jags, six houses, 4wives, 3 million pounds & a tank,
With a better jab than a borrowed Audley Harrison.
Paul McCartney has a new taxman, & She's chasing all his money.
But she has the greed of a fatman, & she happens to walk funny.
Monkeys, & The Killers, Snow Patrolling badmouths,
The leaders with whom we adore & dare to appoint,
Hide outside the barbed wire barriers & pass out,
Screaming for Silence from here to Desperation Point.
I Wake up on the inside, for the outside is just a charade.
Sit behind all the outcasts & now try to front the parade.
Take a tablet, & wash it down with salt laced lemonade.
Bag up your posessions, put your thoughts in lucozade.
Step forward, progress toward eyes of the renegades.
Dont torture whoever never played your childlike games,
Play those who disobeyed & so never caved in to you.
Chase those days that have never came, & threat & do.
My heart beats in rhythyms so fast that it just doesn't last.
My system reacts & then retracts as my muscles collapse,
My wide smile struggles to laugh, my knees buckle & snap,
My skin looks like trouble caused by yellow ribbons 'round old oak trees.
This isn't any old struggle to thicken my age, this is a fucking nosebleed.
Every year brings more wisdom until eventually you scream as you OD.
& the misery you don't need obseeses upon you until your soul breathes.
Theres no retreat or surrender from any part of everyday life, its a virus.
Moneylenders & thieves never bleed, just as liars & rapists never leave,
& Babies never read about them ladies who are homeless but still breed.
These are hopeless streets mixing hopeless people, this's just existance.
The unique just streak hair, the futures bleak & the righteous wont speak,
'Coz papers have pictures of their freak of a mistress which 'wont leak.'
Pace the floors of religion in football boots - Stoods'll show.
Listen to the words of the subtle & aloof - So good to know.
Take action for those in charge, & watch the struggle grow.
Take corn of a third world with weather, only puddles know.
Take a trip to wherever with fire & start to shovel the snow.
Get yourself muddled in all the trouble that only you'll know.
Lay idle in the midst of survival, & just sit & read your bible.
Neither the knife or the gun can make you run everywhere,
God will never get it done, God has never been anywhere.
See, God is Nowhere, or is God now here? Looking for a religion to front?
Maybe he could bleed for us all to believe in freedom of Dedication point?





http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=323840
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=323864

Look,
I dont want to get slept on. I left already because of this, & through sheer boredom Ive returned.


Lets see if I can get some decent feedback from people?

gawwwwd this carried on and on but i finished somehow...

first off the opening lines were excellent!.... then, nothing you started to draw blanks in my mind. you directed the story so far away from the opening lines that i couldnt find grounds to hear a story in there. great imagery from the start bu towards the middle, nothing. your flow was smooth enough to get me through this loooooong peice but no matter, its needs some polishing. neway keep droppin and hopefully people wont be so afraid to read.... lol,
neway.

peace.

damn this was fucking long..this was good in writing sense and teh content and vocab of course were on point the only flaw i really saw was...the flow at points and the wording it was kinda etchy here and there and it was kinda slapped into places where there not supposed to be ya know but it didnt really take away from the piece but it would have been nice and clean if you had mad eit a bit more smoother in transaction ya know but you didia nice and fair job in this and you rocked it into your own piece and a original one that is man nice job.

RTF
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=323948

It was very long, you should just work on keeping a interest in reading long topics. Not that it was boreing or anything, but just so it catches readers eyes quick & interests them to read it all.

The length honestly has nothing to do with it, if you would of heard the original Desolation Row song, you'd of seen where I was coming from with this.
Thank you for the feeback.

This doesnt have a story, this is a ramble & a rant. I cant comprehend how everything here has to revolve around certain aspects?
Flow,
Vocabulary,
Story, etc etc.
For once, if people read something neglecting the rules they follow, they could read into it enough to realise that not everything can go certain ways.
& also, maybe I gave RB too much credit with this one, as Im sure half of the people who post here dont have a clue who bob Dylan is away from heavens door.

Anybody?