We don't need you (all alone)

an OM from the heart, a true story. My mom recently walked out on us, leaving us by ourselves, this is how I'm feeling right now.

‘I’m leaving, you’ll probably never see me again’

The door slams, as my heart jumps for my gullet
I freeze, like a climber, who couldn’t get to the summit
My soul wavers, and dies, as I collapse to my knees
How can I, single handed, care for my families needs?
I scream ‘fuck you bitch’ and I mean it with all my heart
You fucking slut, you made our family fall apart
Fuck you, go get drunk, have an affair, hopefully die
I’ll laugh at your funeral, and hope nobody cries
Because you don’t deserve it, you selfish whore
You care about yourself, not the hearts that you tore
I had to grow up fast, to deal with this shit
Childhood? Fuck dude, I don’t know the meaning of it
I’m real when I spit, fuck fabrication, this is truth
I wasn’t even allowed an imagination as a youth
You would laugh, put me down, crush my happiness
Look how fucked up you made me, you happy bitch?
I never had a dream, because I stay realistic
When you left I was like, ‘this aint real…..is it?’
But now I don’t give a fuck, you can do what you want
Don’t come back here when it all falls through on you, cunt
You’re not welcome, I’ll slam the door straight in your face
I don’t want a fucking whore, invading my space
I can care for my siblings, help them to grow
And I can look after myself, without the help of a hoe
So guess what mom? Stay away, don’t ever return
Fuck what you’re going through, bitch I aint concerned

We don’t need you, we’re fine all alone
So rot in hell bitch, don’t ever come home

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...19#post5414519

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...27#post5414527

up.

Like how you put your heart into this peice, even though it wasn't all "big words and all that shit". It was still a nice peice and you released some anger. I can relate to this peice a little bit, my mom left when I was 10.

But anyway this was a nice little peice to express yourself.

thanks,up

Perfect counting how its true.

The Wordplay was great and true from your true emotions. The Flow was great. The Emotion was real and deep, very perfect. The Structre was nice. The Creativty was great. The Imagenation was perfect. I really liked this peice man, I love it when artists put together a peice with real emotion and its based on real events. Perfect peice and I will nominate this man. Sorry for our loss.

~Bel

Thanks

not really sure how to go about commenting this, I mean, the whole 'true story' thing kind of grants it a sense of immunities from critisism. um, oh well.. the piece was decent. I can handle a heartfelt rant now and then, but when you prepped the reader up for it and then followed with wordplay ("cant reach the summit") it kind of felt contradictory. I think of rants, I think of raw words doing their standard purpose, building pinnicle emotions, stream of concious; not comparisons between your life and olden' sayings and innanimate objects. so yeah, that's all I'm going to really say, I don't want to rip the piece a new one because it was for YOU more than us, it's just that at times it did feel like the audience was in mind while writing this where as in a rant or anything coming from the heart, the last thing concidered should be impressing the audience. fuck this, this is yours.. write it so.

Hmmm... suppose I agree with atticus quite a bit... about how evenly keeled and well written this was for a from the heart... but, uh, I don't really want to criticize you for doing too well, LoL... like... this was damn good, the read was fluid and I think what you did a good job of in this piece was to tell your story in a way that really lets the reader connect with your emotions and thoughts during this time. It's very easy to see how you feel and to what extremes, you've also made your story very clear and not shrouded with metaphors or anything, its right to the point which is awesome. (me hates metaphors - JUST SAY IT!) I don't give a shit about "structure" or "vocab", so, past that, this was enjoyable to read and also a good bit of therapy for you. Stay strong, life is a bitch but it works out for the best... noone ever grows when they're happy... It's when you're suffering that your spirit soars.

this was a cool write, the flow was dope and i liked the way it swayed topics
but on the other hand it was kinda weak in some places
you say you're writing from the heart
and i know it can hit harder than that
stay up

Hey Fam... I know how it feels like to have someone walk out of your life... Thats why this piece hit so close to him, this sense of anger that your all alone... I mean other than that I really felt the lines you had, I related with them for sure. My favorite was:

I wasn’t even allowed an imagination as a youth

Overall the flow was good and the immagery was very descript and yeah we don't need to talk about emotion. You blew that one out of the park fam. Stay up and at em.

this was from the heart... and not really for props probably... more like release writing...and man im sorry to hear that... my dad died when i was 11 so i know it sucks... to have someone not there... great work... i mean nothing especicaly special... but this one should mean alot to YOU. and thats all that really matters... good emotion... decent metaphors... good work man.

Dope as fuck. I feel bad for what your going through and believe me, me and my bro had to do it aswell. I hope your doing alright and it's nice to see you used your writing to relese your feelings. your flow and wordplay we're very nice I was loving that summit line, it just flowed beautiufly. your structre was easy to read and helpped the flow be more easy to follow. you had just the perfect taste for the vocab and kept it to a very good level. I myself am working on a personal piece and I'll be thankful if you can check it out. This was a very nice read for my first om since I've been gone. Keep up and good luck.

glad you were able to pen your thoughts down on this subject. i'll take raw emotion and blunt speech over pedantic bullshit anyday. very fluid writing.

i feel out of place criticizing this aspect of your piece, but i feel like you've only just managed to begin tapping into that deep reservoir of feeling.

im speaking on real terms, but it applies to the verse as well. has the progression even started yet? getting slapped by the cold hand of abandonment at the age of 16 is hard to swallow, i left the house when i was 17 wanting to sever all ties with the fam but knowing that they would eventually get ahold of me.

but it seems the initial abandonment and shock just led right into a callous "fine, fuck you anyway" approach. and i know you're a good dude, so that's why i'm asking about the progression. are there ANY good memories you can reminisce about, any bright spots with the relationship you and your mom have had that make her leaving that much harder?

priorities first though man, dont think twice about asking for some advice or assistance from someone close to you. it doesnt have to end with you and your siblings getting split up. i know their welfare means more to you than your own.

if, later on, you're up to getting extra personal and soul searching and you think it would help, i would really like to see a second part to this. i'd say this is a reactionary coping piece, more or less, but a good one especially considering how convoluted your mind must be right now. like atticus said, just let it flow. fuck form and structure, the emotion will speak for itself.

keep your head high and options open.

This piece here was a very strong and emotional drop from you Wit...I think the truth inspires the best piece's to be written..sorry bout the situation though..overall I thought that the drop and its contents were very descriptive...and you did a great job displaying your true emotions and feelings....the wording was as if I was right there listening to you while you just snap out....overall good shit...keep it up...