Novel: explaining the Emcee

Warriors breed ta be the heart of the people that wont talk/ followed by all but alone we walk, held back by our own doubts and faults/ really the thing that make us strong is recollecting how hard we faught/ soldiers of light designated ta fight the dark/ forever branded as misfits, hated, and pain as a mark/ people lie wait in shadow tryinna bring about our down fall/ not knowing there the ones we stalk/ our souls are filled with blood on the streets and bodies outlined in chalk/ death covers our organs, as survival inserts in our hearts/ Were the hope people count on when there will is spars/ By the actions we take or even simple remarks, first to bite before a bark/ we dont tread dangerous waters we swim in em like sharkes/ Got a taste for the allure but the after effect is tart/ Armored up steath at our sides swords in our hands and yes the blade is sharp/

Would like a lil feedback

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=321788
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=321385

I would like to have feedback on my work

bullshit talk ...what tha fuck did you say ..............bla bla bla

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by craz-E-

bullshit talk ...what tha fuck did you say ..............bla bla bla

---

** idiot ** cant even understand a simple concept

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by craz-E-

bullshit talk ...what tha fuck did you say ..............bla bla bla

---

thats why peeps was clowning your drop too ,
give good feed and youll get back in return ,

"what comes around goes around"

moving on .
as for this verse
[1] - fix your structure - really it will make all of us better
+ rhyme scheme try to syllable count XD,
[2] - work on inserting multie- would be making it much better
your concept was uhm ok , just make ending better , it seemed a little
unfinnished -
it was not bad . jsut the structure remember next time

:2thumb:

yea i kinda knew the ending was kind of cliff hanger but i couldnt think of anything. I'll definitly take ur advice tho

it was alright, dont down yourself man. i understood every line you said, all part of the thought process. the lyrics werent great but they were slighty better than average.
you also had a pretty good title thats why i clicked on it. oh yeah dont worry bout crazy e, he bout to get banned cauze he keep breaking the rules so next time tell em to fuck off. just read some of these niggaz om's and you will get better. check out om's. Blood Diamond and Hip Hop Is Commiting Suicide.

Novelist. Restructure your shit bro, get some better vocab and elevate... One.

Novel. Make your structure go down line by line. Some of your lines are very streched and mess up the flow in general. Try and straighten that and your verse will be 8 times easier to read. Also develope your ideas beyond just a simple description, try to build upon a story. Those two things will make your pieces much more comprehensible and memorable.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Syk.iLL

Novel. Make your structure go down line by line. Some of your lines are very streched and mess up the flow in general. Try and straighten that and your verse will be 8 times easier to read. Also develope your ideas beyond just a simple description, try to build upon a story. Those two things will make your pieces much more comprehensible and memorable.

---

I'll keep all the advice in mind. but i'm not really trying to make a story just and explaination, but i have read other veruses and see that i do need help in structure