I sang out onto your pages.
My only child was a seedling I planted on your pages.
It's outrageous...
when you consider the freshness of our ages,
remember to relay this, in the crossfire of your womb
was a pencil sketch of me by which I could remember you...
It was December, true, but the cold melted away
through the receiver of the phone,
and you were on your own that day
embracing all my chills with your blankets and your tears
that I froze there on your cheeks
before they streamed into your ears
like a million melodies I sang out, but never wrote
I sang out but never spoke, I sang out but without hope
I sang out!
...and the words never came,
because the pills you took were in the margins of your shame
like all the scribbled wishes we'd had in early days
before the crib decisions and the writing on the page
before the frightning gaze of advice that wasn't sage
and the flashing lightning haze of my beige against your beige...
Then colours gushed out to the light as colours often do,
and now your lover's outlet doesn't lead him to the truth.
I know now why it's uncouth
to think these things are built to last
'cause our messy scribbled page is torn and laying in the trash...
...and I didn't even get a chance to read over it.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=319557
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=319550
Thanks.
Re: I sang out onto your pages.
This was pretty cool, you are good at flowing for sure, the story didn't seem to really take float in this too much, it kind of sputtered, but this was still an enjoyable read as far as the flow went. You've got a good way with words, it's the kind of writing I really like, I'll be lookin' for you on OM I've never seen your work for someone with 2500 posts.... but nice, overall.
Stay up.
Re: I sang out onto your pages.
shit maven is back man seriously the storyline wa s kinda just thrown around with sentences and little freeverses implemented here and there but all the while man this was put together very nicely with the flow and content also with your vocab...kinda basic here and there but sstill didnt detract from the piece man this was a nice drop man keep it up man..... welcome back aswell.
RTF on the link in my sig titled "Untitled"
Re: I sang out onto your pages.
thank you for the feedback. it is appreciated, brothers.
Re: I sang out onto your pages.
Re: I sang out onto your pages.
could you kindly feed on the link in my sig
untitled
Re: I sang out onto your pages.
Re: I sang out onto your pages.
This wasn't a bad Om...
I liked the flow from the start though the structure looked kinda bad it seemed to work well. The vocab. was okay and the multies kept it constant for the most part. A few rough patches came up here and there, when you said Beige twice and the part about speaking out. It wasn't too bad though I just think it could have been better worded. The plot was straight nothing out of the ordinary but it was still good. My favorite lines are probably...
Quote:
My only child was a seedling I planted on your pages.
It's outrageous...
when you consider the freshness of our ages,
remember to relay this, in the crossfire of your womb
was a pencil sketch of me by which I could remember you...
Meh, I probably just like those lines because it got my attention to the piece but oh well. Either way, you did pretty good here so, keep up.
Re: I sang out onto your pages.
