Dead Man Tells No Tales

Each Captain as well as sailor is expected to follow a strict law of the sea that was once set but our great ancestors, most do, but if you disobey this law, you will most likely be left a treasure of the sea.

Takeoff
The shore vanishes through the mist, again,
Regret, it was only good pay for a young man,
Years passed, and he still looked for that one great catch,
Anchors dangled from the weathered boards,
As an old aged man rose from the captains hatch,
The grizzled old sailor, still searching for the one thing he craves,
With his flask of rum at hand, the ship rocks from the choppy waves.

Nightime
The world sleeps, as our sea man drifts under the stars
As he gazes in the distance at the sea that fars,
the forgotten sound of waves frame the tone of black night,
disturbed by the tarnished lantern glowing through the deadlight
Dawn approaches, as the destination that has been longed
for, as the reef listens to the sound of a sailors song

Red Mornings
The sky makes the water sparkle like a gift of God,
As a worried sailor tosses in his worn cot
A terrible storm is on its way, an age-old sea code
But a veteran sailor breaks it to take a booty load
The red of morning fades to day, after his choice,
Both the sea, and the scallywag sailor rejoice

The Storm
A catch to change the way mind, return to land
But howling wind, and rough waves, have another plan
Rain pours down exploding upon impact of the deck
An old man snarls, as his heart is filled with regret,
He loses control, and then soon loses his mast,
Water floods, as the pinnace time has passed
Tossed into the water soaking his new long coat
Rubble, the only hint there once existed a boat
Engulfed, water lashes the force of a thousand whips
Once known sailor obeys the law, and goes down with his
ship.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=319066

*I will soon get another one.

I was definately feelin' this. You had good flow and structure from the start and you had a pretty good constant temp held throughout the piece from there on out. I like the plot of it, seemed fresh and unplayed. Multies kept the piece smooth and the imagery was excellent. My favorite lines would be something like...

Quote:

---

Engulfed, water lashes the force of a thousand whips
Once known sailor obeys the law, and goes down with his
ship.

---

There were a few other lines that stood out more than others but this I just quoted this because it was a good ending.
All in all, excellent drop man, keep up.

ight good feed man

Uppin.

Nice idea, quite a neat chronological order of events depicted with a certain degree of amateur sophistication. Yeah, I liked it, I felt that you could have taken this alot furthur however. For example perhaps it would have been interesting if you'd varied the scheme a little, on 'The Storm' stanza in particular, the phonology of the words could have been written to reflect the choppiness and unpredictability of the strom. I would have used short, sharp sentences and harsh sounding words, which you did to some extent. I suppose you wanted it to flow the same all the way through? Theres no problem with that, it was a decent display of what you can write, but its just something to think about. Don't let the structure guide the words, as I feel you did here, for example in the line:
'As he gazes in the distance at the sea that fars,'
I believe the syntax wasn't correct here, I think that you felt you just had to find a rhyme rather than develop the piece, you could have got away with it, just remember that everything doesn't have to be so rigid.

Look out for something of mine, reply if you get the chance.

ight nice feed.

OM isn' the way i used to remember it.

as people would drop feed a few minutes after dropping.

Damn.

bump

Nice lil drop here,

The wording was great and the flow was nice an smooth. Felt the emotional greatly and the rhyme skeme was nice. The Creativty and structre was magnifecent. Keep writing man, you're getting better.

~Belligerant.


Also; please RTF.

thansk




up.

rise.

up.

=(!

I wish you added some extra words in here. That's upsetting, hella, bro.

lol.

Other than that the story you tell is pretty good, exciting, and pretty bold.

Cool little drop here, good fact in it.

But add some emotion next time :P

First off, I think you meant to put BY instead of BUT (first word, second line).
Otherwise, this was a pretty standard drop man. I mildly enjoyed it, and saw spurts of nice multi-syllable rhyme. What hindered me though, being the reader, was your dependency on AS. In the second stanza it was in 4 of 6 lines. So try finding other words to string/tie things together. To me it seemed that there was another, deeper rooted, story that was trying to emerge from the surface you scratched with this. Maybe some revisions will help to make this more impactful. I liked the theme though.

ight nice feed man.

LOL@ how everyone’s a fucking English major on this site.
I mean to be honest this is hip hop, this is poetry at its rawest! Who really gives a fuck
About multi-counts and stanza structure and blah blah blah ? I mean really - who?
Don’t get me wrong , it’s important to a certain degree, but for the most part - so long as what you write is cohesive, comprehendible, and rhymes - WELL! Who gives a fuck how it happen - maybe it’s technique or maybe it’s accidential, regardless it happen; and that’s how we should evaluate verses. Anyways, enough of that.
Hmmmm….I going to have to say I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. The flow was righteous, the content was strong, and the imagery was superb. Both your vocabulary and your placement were……well….on point. Hmmmm my only beef with this piece was the build-up, everything just seemed to happen much to quickly, before you could even digest what was going on BOOM!!!! It was over, yeah it was much to abrupt - All in all however, Top notch work, your definitely a skilled writer, there’s no denying that.

Pz