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From Beginning To End.
http://images.google.ca/images?q=tbn...t_necklace.jpg
The Beginning.
A day in the park when the love hits
Feeling like I got to get a strong grip
As I then hop aboard the wrong ship
Got a dip in the thing called feelings
With a girl & was enthralled healing
Maybe it was her soft and sweet touch
Just her voice made me want to clutch
On to that certain girl for ever and always
Bad weather? I would wait in the hallways
For her I fell and to this day all is well
She is the girl I want for my show & tell
But then we took a turn for the worst
It’s like all this was meant as a curse
Nightly fights & all these deep frights
That I might lose my special girl tonight
I try to keep tight thinking I’m alright
Suddenly she picked up and left my side
My heart just had theft & nothing to hide
It started of great didn’t think it was a mistake
The feelings we’re fake this is where I meet fate.
The End.
http://images.google.ca/images?q=tbn...me-jewelry.jpg
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hmm... this was alright. nothing exceptional, but decent. The rhyme scheme was a little off... you'd rhyme off the same word for 3 lines, then 2, then 4... it was crazy. Emotion was the best part of this, keep that as your writings flagship, it will be what makes you the writer you will be. Keep working homie, not a bad drop.
return the favor?
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=314883
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ight peice but however i didnt like ya transitions in some of the lines like u would rhyme great in some lines then switch to a diff rhyme and it jus wasnt smooth when u do ya transitions make em smoother fams ight peice overall tho...the transitions jus kinda killed some of the skill behind the peice....try this
the heart the core of the soul is bitter and burned,
love is turned to ash not intended to return,
hate is earned over years to those who dispises,
this emotion lies but is hid behind the eyes
jus a quick peice i jus keyed for and example but try suntin more like that holla but u see what im talkin bout in transitions? work on it and ull b HOF sometime soon
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DJ...well I am surprised at this...very played topic for you man. I think you are getting A LOT better, but I also think you are running out of ideas...read the news online or read about killers ro something and try to imagine it and write about it...then it shouldn't be made up or boring or pLAYEd. Anyways, the good parts abou this is your wording i not bad, and the flow and structure is great. The rhymes scheme is decent, but I am not sure if I like the 3 rhyming lines in the beginning....and the style is meh to me (although AABB seems good for you) keep on working...good job man!
-Cornea
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this was a decent piece Dj... ive seen so much better than from u fam. this seemed kind of half ass at points. the topic is very very very very played fam. i expect more than this from u
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this piece didnt really grab my attention throughout the piece well...your structure and flow was repetitive and the concept was redundant...but there was a good aspect to this piece...i felt a lot of emotion from it which made the piece able to relate to...you could've used internals instead of the bland structure you had but blah....alright piece but not great...i know you're a better writer then this so w/e....
plz vote on my topical vs Forum...link in sig...appreciate it ..thankx
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I think I speak on behalf on most people when I say... Quality not Quantity.
Dj... you are a very consistant poet/rapper, and that is very appealing to people, but I know you are capable of things much greater than this piece here.
The lines were shorts, as the ones were in our battle, thats something worth working on.
No hate - I understand everyones got their own, unique flow, but this was a bit... off scale, if it can be explained that way.
Nice ideas, I can really feel what you're saying.
I reccommend you sit down, and write about something extremelly close to heart, and spend a considerably large amount of time on it.
People will be amazed by it, I can garuntee that. You are capable of so much, you just need to set your mind to something, and spend time perfecting most of your pieces. Which is the hardest thing to do as a writer.
Congratulations on your rise on RB nevertheless, my utmost repect.
Looking forward to seeing more from you. Peace and cheers bro.
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I like your pieces man. You have an old school approach of just writing from the heart, not many complex things in here that took away from the meaning of the piece. You have a talent (it might sound stupid) to round up a good story in such a short amount of time. Most people think that a good story has to be a gazillion pages long, but when it ends, it ends with you man. Good job on this one.
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