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To Brandi....
Dear Brandi...
You & I, one day school we should skip…maybe take a trip
On a luxury ship, let me partake actions with them sweet lips
I want you, I can see & hear it in you’re voice you me want too
We’ll stay true…no matter what happens we’ll make it through
Old times lets renew, you’re the girl I need with me all the time
Don’t let me do crimes…and have no problem saying he’s mine
Brandi you’re fine no word of a lie…you’re all I can think about
Stand out with out having to shout, us having a fight? I highly doubt
Just take some of you’re time and pay attention to what I have to say
In my life you got to stay I highly doubt you want it any other way
I just pray…that soon me and you will become one…maybe a son?
My heart you already won and that is one thing that can’t be undone
You shine brighter than the sun…my feelings for you Brandi will last
Heart won fast and Brandi you know you’re the reason I’m trying to pass
I miss our past…and I truly wish more than anything I could have it back
After all the times you have got mad at me…all it did was keep me on track
Love Dj...
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damn, thats my name too thats why i came in here lol
na but nice piece, you kinda rambled on with the "highly doubt" and the name, other than that it wasnt long but its flow, wording, etc was on point, could have been a lil more feelin in it, to bring the "love" alive but decent
7/10
..scream at me..
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This was a back step DJ...many lines were forced and thus awkard..read them aloud without poetic style and they won't make sense...this is the same mistake i use to do...when you write don't sacrifice sentences for rhymescheme..e.g.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ
Old times lets renew
In normal conversations you'de say, "Let's renew old times"
That's the problem which is stopping you from reaching the higher levels of topical skill. Overall, this was a piece which could have been better as you tried inners but wording dented the effort. Don't worry just try ironing out the rough edges. Stay up^.
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Eh, wasn't really feelin' this one either man, Baron's already covered the reasons, just the main thing for me though was the forcedness. I've read better by you, but still, keep up.
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Hmm..Thanks..i was trying a new style.
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No probs, check my new drop brah.
|--The Two--|
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DJ...what has happened in the past few weeks? You seem to be slowing decreasing in OM quality. I mean don't get me wrong, you didn't too totally awful, but this is no where near your skill level...very forced and weak vocabulary. Um....I don't know if there is anything I can say to you since you know what to do....but I think you should take time and think about your pieces...I mean you need a stronger and less broad topic....keep it up though man...peace!
[Hit up EMOtions, it's my new short piece]
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yeah this was aiite... flowed itts....struture was ok not too exciting.rhymes was decent but not adventurous..... emotion was generous and held the piece together as the main element........... wording was pretty good but could maybe made a lil mo interesting with a touch of creative wordplay and visual imagery here and there wouldnt go amiss.........
shit was good tho
peep this new 1
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=313509
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