The Telescreen

http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e1...telescreen.jpg

The Telescreen

during these times ther were no channels to choose from...
just brain washed by the system and unjustified amusement

As he awakens to the smell of his own acholism
He noticed this telescreen we now call a television
It's horendous to invision suh a form of entertainment
The children aren't children cause thier minds brain-washed brainless
though it stays on one channel you don't pick you don't choose
Its the tube which ignites the fuse within you to lose
Though positive in some ways yet negative in most
It promotes victory gin to drink and victory squares to smoke
language differs day to day as new words are formed
in this slow paced society they don't welcome the norm
Simultaneously transmitting information this metal plaque
babbling falsified alligations called sterotypical facts
The proles run free while were watched by B-B's eyes
in a world where doublethink could get you vaporized
Unable to trun it off yet you could silence it by choice
piercing ears as if needled ear-rings this agonizing voice
Saying nothing to the relivence this neglegent voice as it sounds
yet I am a thought crimal.......indeed and profound
controlling every day life they do. It is as it seems
In the corner I sit and write this hidden from the telescreen
If there is hope (slight chance) it lies with the proles
You may watch our every movement yet you can't reveal our souls

A nice little piece you have here. EMotional at times for such a subject but i reckon you had many awkard wordings which cost you maximum impact. DOn't worry too much about it it's better if you read more refined pieces that are in HOF or SS and see they're techniques. Don't expect yourself to know it straight away instead learn slowly, fomr what i see you have the capabilitie to bring depth into a piece. Just broaden your vocabulary and slowly but surely you will improve and make it. Stay up^.

An Honest vote on this topical
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=313139

Thanks for the feed ! appreciated and taken heed to it.

Bump

Closed
No Linkd

Pm me when you have them and ill re open this.

liks provided reopend thanks

Very nice...i was feelin the emotion the most which deff made it nice...flow was good off or just to basic in some lines so it was in and out...multies we're nice...strutre was pretty basic you gotta switch it up a bit...the pic was meh..small as fuck lol...but you had a good sense of vocab to keep me going..good drop check out as i.. keep up.

"Rules & Lessons in Feedback<< LINK.

I HAVE TO BE HARSH ON YOU ALL NOW.
READ THE RULES.
CLOSED.

Reason: I can't see the links..

-Brix."