Fly on the wall:My Breakdown

This happened a couple of weeks ago. It was the worst time of my life. This is a true story.

Fly on the Wall: My Breakdown

‘The rain was never cold when I was young’

‘Daddy, I need you’ I murmur these words, as I’m dispersing these tears
Disturbed, by a perilous infancy, I suspect I’m coercing my peers
Wise beyond my years, this narrow road, is paved with fear
I need an escape, from this meaningless hate

Denied a father, denied a stable home and a secure life
‘please, throw this dog a bone, did he love you or his wife?’
These questions circle my mind, until I’m bursting inside
‘I need my identity, before I can disperse Mr. Hyde’
My knees tremble, as I plan for my life’s conclusion
‘Remember me for the bad, don’t create a false illusion’

I tread charily to my lonesome friend, ‘ this is the end
Prepare yourself, we want this day, to go as planned’
He provides the pills…………….life’s a thrill?
Tell that to the many people it has tried to kill
One after another, until the packet’s gone, it’s done
‘Goodbye spiteful world, our time has been fun’
We wait for the impact, that the pills have, then we faint
‘we live by these numbers that we paint’

I wake up in hospital, with tubes connected to my face
I scream inside, I haven’t died…….’oh fucking great’
Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit…..suits me to the ground
Nerves over take me, as my heart pounds, to these beeps
And these frowns

I was released the next day, didn’t end up dying at all
Sometimes I feel, like I’m watching my life through the eyes
Of a fly on the wall.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...39#post5216139
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...57#post5216157

feed please

i loved this a lot...it had good structure a good concept and word choice was good...i really felt what you were sayin....sorry this feed is kinda short..i'll come back later for a more detailed analysis :)

Thanks

upping

yep

up.

dope...
i love the opening with dialogue.
emotion. straight up emotion.
broken home was well described and beautifully presented
then metaphors and similies about struggles...
then the hosptial scene picture well in my head brought it home...

i loved this piece.
good job

I don't think anyone quite appreciates yet the weight of the words in this verse. I could really give a shit about the structure or flow of this, and yea, you managed to keep a flow to this, but I'm a little concerned about you man. Let me just say what I'm sure you've heard from everyone close to you but maybe I can say it a bit more articulately...

Life is never that bad, man. I've been some incredible times in my 21 years, and I've thought of suicide very seriously. I've seen some shit. My family was one of the most corrupt environments that a teenager would ever have to live through, I was barely a factor in my parents life from age 12 on. I may as well have been abandoned. But find the will in you to succeed inside of you, it's there for us all. It takes a lot of strength and will to try, I think you know that, your piece carries an overtone of regret that you didn't die, but also I think you regret trying to kill yourself. I hope the experience woke you up, so to speak.

This life... is never easy. Not for most of us. Nothing worth anything is easy, anyways. I was drinking and smoking weed every day at 15, and I'm not talking about anything normal. Like, two ounces of weed a week and a fifth almost every night for nearly five years. I've recently finally quit smoking, it took a long time for me to give myself a reason to do that. I was dealing weed at rip off prices to friends. I couldn't pay a girl to look back at me. I was crying myself to sleep over the background of eminem and tupac on my fifteenth shot in two hours. I almost died twice.

Point is, I've woke up. I hope you did. And you're only 16, man, so your mind is a lot more healthy than mine. At 21... you won't fucking care, man. About any of the high school shit, any of the social shit that goes along with it. Most every friend you have now won't mean a thing to you in five years. Life just gets so much different so fast, its almost unbelievable. Honestly, if you can't enjoy life at your age, don't worry about it, I fucking hated life at your age, but just COPE. Get out of your parents house. Work as hard as you fucking can to get a job where you can have your own apartment, take a year off from school and just CHILL without any of the bullshit. No girls, no school, no mom and dad (or lack thereof). For now, fuck it, just COPE.

Fuck being a teenager, it blows and I know it, but it gets so much better.

Hate to admit it, though, your best years are past you. The innocence of a child is the best time in our lives, and we lose that somewhere between age 13 and 15... It's too bad. But now its time to be productive, to begin setting goals to make something of yourself, so that you can have kids of your own and they can have a childhood that really means a lifetime. Because its about passing joy on... once you're so old, you can't have the same innocent, careless joy, but you can at least take the personal responsibility and have the strength needed to make sure you help the next children come into this world and be happy for as long as they can stay away from growing up, which, sorry to say, is far too short a time.

But it's a lifetime to a child. Every day is... and every day can be great.

There's my rant. Hope it means something to you. Get out there and fuckin do it. No sense in stopping, don't ever stop, eventually life is gonna stop you anyways and then you'll be no good to anyone.

Thanks dude that really meant a lot, and I know life is worth living, and that's why I've decided to take certain steps to help make my life that much happier. Family issues have over-shadowed my happiness for too long, so thanks for the encouragement dude.

whew, weird. it's like a double personality thing to me ..like you had a bad side, but couldn't do anything but watch and feel these wrong doings. you couldn't stop it, you were smashed and stepped upon by your alter ego as if to be a fly on the wall of your own mind. that's what i got out of it. if not, then you've got some random metaphorical shit going on. lol. i liked it how i inturpreted it. the piece deffinitley was not predictable nor played. very original, very dope ..

good read.


finally wrote another piece. . . peep it.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...59#post5223259