A Life Story.

I could tell you a scary story; scare you all
But this is a life story, bout self glory..murder
About a man that got everything he wanted
About a child that could do nothing but cry
A life story about the same person; difference
It goes from sad; to evil and twizted..fucked
This young man could never speak without fear
This adult leaves people in tears; damn basterd

Jon Dagel was a young fellow; fallowed the leader
Hid in a corner of shame and pain, afraid of his teacher
Parents drank and smoked; leaving him bruised after fights
He felt they had no right, he would cut his chains everynight
He wanted freedom; but captured no glory in this life story
Growing a virgin, he felt that his hunger came from being horney
He could not stop his own destiny of pain; shameful gain
Planing on changing his own name, life was just too plain
After his parents died; he became just another shadow
I know this because; this is my life story to let you all know
Now I attack the innecient; showing the children my old pain
The scars I hold from that funeral, my tears still mix in the rain
The children that remain rich; selfish and teasing the little ones
My ravenge is far from done; blood is still yet to fall from someone

Parents drank and smoked; leaving him bruised after fights
He felt they had no right, he would cut his chains everynight
He wanted freedom; but captured no glory in this life story
Growing a virgin, he felt that his hunger came from being horney
He could not stop his own destiny of pain; shameful gain
Planing on changing his own name, life was just too plain
After his parents died; he became just another shadow
I know this because; this is my life story to let you all know


Favorite part you have very nice imagery on this piece nice choice of words man i liked how you pieced this together and how everything clicked you must of worked on this for awhile cuz you can tell how the rhyme scheme just clicked wit everyline you threw at us to read after the last Om i feed on i'm glad i took the time and feed on this mann imma have to read this again after i feed on it mann this was Diope diope GanKsta GanKsta pimpin but chea nice drop Blind

Sup blind..nice lil story you portrayd here...the first stanza was a nice set up...and i liked ur structure ya had...kinda broke it up a bit, made ya think n put it all together..pretty nice...ur 2nd stanza really made this piece tho..nice flow a lil more descrptive wording owuld of helpd..ovearll it wasnt really basic but wasnt real complex either but it told a story...and you finished it off nicely and ur last line might of been my favorite of the entire piece. overall a pretty used topic, but poetry is all about venting...and i thought u did a good job of displaying the feeling within...overall nice write.

keep ups..

and go check out my Swinging Nightmare (just something fun..i felt like writing)

eh..
not that great..a lot of words were misplaced, especiall the swear words..
this was more of a topical, being that it was a bit of a narrative.
vocabulary was ok, nothing great..imagery was above average..
The end was ok, a bit shallow, but it summed up the piece decently.
you're getting better.
rtf.

Thanks.

Closed by request.