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Rivals At War
Rivals At War
"O War! Begot In Pride And Luxury, The Child of Malice And Revengeful Hate; Thou Impious Good, And Good impiety, Thou Art The Foul Refiner Of A State Unjust Scourge Of Men's Iniquity, Sharp Easer Of Corruptions Desperate! Is There No Means But That A Sin-Sick Land Must Be Let Blood With Such A Boist'rous Hand?
-Shakespeare
..Peasent Duration Tolerated..
Pointless endeavors would teach, digest these cowards in sins
More then a figure of speech, express our powers in pins
Endures the ligaments breeched, fatigue devouring mins.
Secured in imminent briefs, firing hours within
..Thy Kingdom Come....Down!..
Drag tongues creates parts, fight for a purpose above
Stab lungs ands and break hearts, like they were hurt'n from love
Ragged, tons embraced dark, might they be curtainly shoved
Flags hung, enraged mark, dispite the words to be rung
..Its Reason Enough...Isn't It?
Live life for the ones born, their daughters and son's more
Sentences comma the period, but sorta just runs on
Each quarter, wants a debater, in order the sun's pours
Heated battle, sharded flesh, deep tissue, and lungs torn
..Vision Spoken Through Sight..
Bullets feast on da gums, blood leaks, N' gleets from the tongues
Wives keep track of stats, 2 add'em up like eve would've done
Clouds forshadow the reign, steam rises, only peace is a gun
All the sense spent on revolution time weaved isn't spun
..Fights 4 Their Own Purpose...
Both sides endless restrictions, forbidden, senseless discriptions
More driven tending each mission, their given, vivid conflictions
Who's winning, curse'n each person, diversions serve'n its purposes
Inserted search'n the surface, reverted birth an emotion
...Before today we've fought, after yesterday we'll fight...
..and for days to come we'll survive...
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312239
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312023
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this was a nice topic to write to...good flow i felt the imagery...good mettas and multies.....you got really creative not just wat you see but wat you read...this was really a nice dop...i really dint have no favorites cause it all was good to tell you the truth...keep it up...i see alot of good shit from you anyway..but this was somethin good
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Hey, RTFing for you since you commented on my piece... I was pleasantly surprised by your use of flow on this, and thinking a little outside the box in that respect with the four line stanzas having the same rhymescheme for their duration... I thought this was well worded, and the Shakespeare quote at the beginning really drew me in to want to read this in any case... This is a solid job, nothing spectacular that made me saw, "Wow," it's not like war isn't talked about very often...
But it was a nice read and you did a good job. I think next time you should really concentrate on trying to tell a more vivid story through a good rhyme, at times in this piece you lost me, but stick to it, this is good stuff.
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I was also pleasantly surpised, not just by the flow, but by everything that went into this peice, i really liked the rhyming but i would have liked slightly more, maybe making the story slightly longed or more vivid like the guy said above ^^
Anyway, nice drop, good verses, nice rhymescheme, nice flow, Alllllllll good.
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DAmn this was fuckin nice mann i loved how you wrote this mann everything was just fuckin perfect in this piece mann damn there's to many good lines quote mann i loved the imagery and how descriptive you were in each stanza you broke em down nicely mann i also liked how you stayed on topic while you were breakin down each part of this piece mann you actually grabbed my attention fromthe get go mann i just like this drop alot mann
This was fuckkin Ill
Favrite lines mann it was hard to choose
..Its Reason Enough...Isn't It?
Live life for the ones born, their daughters and son's more
Sentences comma the period, but sorta just runs on
Each quarter, wants a debater, in order the sun's pours
Heated battle, sharded flesh, deep tissue, and lungs torn
..Vision Spoken Through Sight..
Bullets feast on da gums, blood leaks, N' gleets from the tongues
Wives keep track of stats, 2 add'em up like eve would've done
Coulds forshadow the reighn, steam rises, only peace is a gun
All the sense spent on revolution time weaved isn't spun
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yeaH GOOD joint more an all round poem if anything coz i dont see this working as a rap but nice writing and format......... guess the multies gave it a bit of rap flow still f'sho.... rhymes was all mostly basic/simple so diddnt impress me at all.meaning the end rhymes tho i guess they was set up with coo multies so that props it back up...
was a little bit of imagery cudda been some more and maybe a bit more graphic i guess but coo joint still...
pz1
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Yup good poetics here..the rhymeschem you opted for was good as it always keeps the reader attentive and the titles and sub-titles used were very good to. The Shakey quote was good and related to the topic and i think that your verses gelled well. However, i reckon that you strayed off one or 2 points or maybe i didn't get it..i don't know but as said before the flow was certainly poetic or slow rap if you put it in a rappish way na mean. Your imagery was very good plus the vocabulary which tighed in with the piece upped the level. All in all a good piece, short of HOF due to reasons that i just didn't raise an eyebrow or get surprised or awed by the lines...not taking anything away from it htough it was a very good piece and you'll get your HOF if you keep trying na mean.
I'd appreciate it if you could check mine and Xplicts FL topical champ battle...keep it fair with honest votes, thanks
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=312123
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no prob Pak and thanx for the feed....everyone im thinking if this dont get me HOF my next will oh and i'll check that out
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lets keep the feed coming...
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Nice, good qoute from shakespeare, nice structure, i liked the vocab, font style was right for the piece, pretty much every thing about the way its formatted is nice, i liked the way most of your words were used as multis most peeps i know can't do that nice, plus thi was a dope topic nice piece
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Wow. This leaves me very impressed. Especially at the end...When I got done reading that last bar(Like-thing)...I hated you for have written it. Lol!
But yeah, your alliteration, scheme, emotion, everything was on point more than ever. Though yes, it did seem a bit more poetic than rap-like but meh...
Check out 'The Legend of the Madman' if you can.
