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Black and White.
http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j1...5/th_devil.jpg
As the walls crumble, creak, fall, slowly apart and crack
Nothing but 30 degree boulders and rocks left for snack
Can’t turn back…the slaves are stuck to work for nothing
Get a break maybe, then just in for some more suffering
Not much they can say or be done…as they work for one
Feeling nothing but pain knowing that work has just begun
Hoping to have son, to take over this horrible slave filled place
To him not a disgrace…taking every one no matter sex or race
Cuts and bruises on there face…but get even worse as it goes
Chains, lava covered floors, demons damn only god knows
Alot of people been there,but no one has ever, ever came back
That’s a fact, but the followers are the only thing Satan lacks
http://images.google.ca/images?q=tbn...les/heaven.jpg
The stairs are longer than anything…walls painted bright white
Such a beautiful place to be when you catch sight of that light
Angels…clouds…bright blue sky…even the man him self
Any person would want this to have more than any wealth
The food is free; don’t have to worry about working the fee
Don’t believe in pain, even let you bath in the clear blue sea
The man just wants everyone to be safe and feel very proud
As they get to sleep on the most beautiful bright white cloud
That’s why you must have faith, make it and it’s worth the wait
People never come back but don’t regret going through that gate
The End.
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12 Hours no feed..damn.
Uppin this leave a link.
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Its pretty good mayn. I like it, sorry, not really good on giving feed. But hey, at least you got good feed! :)
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Not bad, cuda put in extra work for it to be a lil better, but it was a good read man, nice OM, flow was pretty good but i just wasent fellin in, vocab was ight as well, the strucutre was neat an n' line so that helped, nice peice
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I think this is my least favorite from you so far DJ. I was disappointed first of all by how short it was I mean you really made it TOO short. I liked the pictures, but the wording seemed off. The metaphors, I guess were ok and the emotion was there, but hardly. I think you either needed to plan this out better or possibly worked on it more. I am not sure, but I think you are capable of much better.Well good job on this, but get back in the groove.
-Professor (hit up my first piece "Follow The Leader")
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Thanks this was pretty rushed.
upp.
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This was finally a decent piece from you man. I actually felt the hard work, and preparation in this one man. Good piece, not so basic and loose-felt as your other ones. I nice and tidy piece in here, with great emotion and just good vocabulary. I caught multis also which was new to me, and it was an all in all good piece man. This is probably the best from you so far. You took more time on this. The pictures were a decoration ethic, but nothing would feel missing without them.
Keep at it.
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Can’t turn back…the slaves are stuck to work for nothing
Get a break maybe, then just in for some more suffering
Not much they can say or be done…as they work for one
Feeling nothing but pain knowing that work has just begun
Hoping to have son, to take over this horrible slave filled place
To him not a disgrace…taking every one no matter sex or race
Cuts and bruises on there face…but get even worse as it goes
Chains, lava covered floors, demons damn only god knows
Favorite part of this piece this wasn't put together well at all the wording in a thousand spots could of been worded better man you really had to rush this shit cuz i have seen you write a million times better in this a ok choice of vocab not the best i seen you drop in your pieces but acceptable for this part the flow was nice great rhyme scheme and your imagery hit as usual
Not your best but nice work
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hit up my piece A breathless death
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Pretty cool I haven't even checked in this thread for abot a month but this was nice the pictures took away imagery thoughand you'll need more than just small details to make it a dope peice and the words selected where a bit bland and frail there was not to much relating to the topic in the beggining either so work on that on the next peice just a feww things need work.
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yeah good poetics. you rminding of a certain Pakevely w/ this joint tho f'sho.ha
thing is rhymes was mostly basic.which i like a few of but i need a few complex 1's at least to entertain me ya na mean..... coz even people who cant rhyme can rhyme certain words that have already been played all day long so bleh on that.. and the concept was there but needed to go further and display mo imagery......
wording could be a lot better as well. and there is noi use putting format/structure over flow coz it dont make for flucency.if your going to use a stricty format then make sure you get the flow rught as well i reckon or it aint got no forward movement.
check out me piece in SS n you'll see i know how to write tight constantly
keep em poppin tho
pz1
