Agree on your line limit...
Verses will be due by Friday midnight eastern...
This battle will not be polled...but it will count towards your points in the rankings...
Topic: Shadows of the moon
http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/2...copyqw3sn1.jpg
Printable View
Agree on your line limit...
Verses will be due by Friday midnight eastern...
This battle will not be polled...but it will count towards your points in the rankings...
Topic: Shadows of the moon
http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/2...copyqw3sn1.jpg
WEll wow at this lol....G/L Tim.
sounds good checkin
Shadows of the moon
http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/8565/rayns6.jpg
Moonlight playing the 7 veiled striptease with my eyes
Skies lit by stars or maybe it’s the lamps & cars
Bars leaking “I have a woman” floorboards creaking
I hear George screaming, black velvet’s piercing
“Georgia on my mind” the octaves are flatly streaming
Open my eyes to see shadows not the moonlight beaming
Colourless moon powder vacuumed to bring forth relief
Belief on the moon powder its light jiggles my knees
Released hostages from major then minor coyly speaks
To live in LA can be clinical when old habits were the issue
Sieve the moon powder, hide it in a tissue fans miss you
What should I do, “I’m moving on” to a “Lonely avenue”
Sunset boulevard isn’t a dream when the sunsets unseen
A blessing it’s been because melodies are my means
To see “America the Beautiful” is to not see it at all
But to listen to the wind’s conversation with the shores
Making mistakes perhaps the moon powder aimed me
It never tamed me I felt that emotions claimed me
Then my acutely powdered liver maimed me…..
Tears dropping selflessly from families attributing blues to Ray
Rustling chimes form opulent orchestras; a ballad in the breeze
Day of mourning was replaced by celebrating Ray’s motion play
Ray watches on, a soul shadowing the moon in watchful peace
"It would be a real bitch if I ever lost my hearing.
I know I couldn't be no Helen Keller.
That would be worse than death." - Ray Charles, Esquire, August 2003
Hope you can hear the rounds of claps
-RIP Ray Charles Robinson, 1930-2004….
He saw what we missed; now we miss what he saw…
Shadow of the moon
Hidden In Broad Daylight
-Pablo Picasso
out to bomb the system and show true talent
kill all contradictions within an echos balance
while the moons away I'll struggle through today
falling against the grain with emotions on display
in sunlight these cheeks are pale and worn to ash
these wings were set to sail since I was born off path
painted fingertips, fingers dipped in numerous colors
sacred brushes grip with thin tips and fumes like no other
hours of work for one word scribed onto the canvas
mind starts to hurt from the worlds pyschological damage
instead of leaving i approach each evening with believing
that i'm decieving the true meaning of fiending
breathing acrylic mist with my soul against a surface
relentless with this broken wrist, a beautiful purpose
antisocial in the limelight, trying to redefine bright
align sight, making sure perfection is designed right
bits and pieces fall in sequence without reasons
tips are bleedin into a meaning of bold grievance
layers sewn together with the better view on things
prayers moaned never, rather speak to other beings
spend the day in blackbooks wielding pencil tips
drawn to fame, my outlook's appealing to an audience
brilliant freight's pass while a crowd gasps then asks
"Who's the artist?"
he paints masked, down a dark path without maps
he lives hearless
in sunshine he's confined to insults and a lack of friends
but at night he lives quite eventful outlasting trends
popular by paintings, he's tainted from being hated
being down graded, desolated and mistaken for satan
he just's wants to create, Why can't I be orignal??
sketch then color my fate without it being fictional...
Tim you have a very nice solid piece bra i like your structure and rhyme scheme on this piece bra you also have very nice plot your storyline was off on this piece jsut a lil cuz you got me kinda lost in the center of your piece and then a couple lines from tehre i understod wat you were talkin about again i enjoyed reading your verse it caought me as a reader i really did like it Tim
Pak your piece as a tribute was awesome mann i loved reading it the imagery was very fulfilled in this piece Vocab was on point not to simpe not to complex i enjoyed reading ur peace cause of the way you set up the storyline it was fully filled out like you were telling it from a behind the scnenes plot very descriptive piece again very nice job well done I also your rhyme scheme on this piece
Favorite from Tim
painted fingertips, fingers dipped in numerous colors
sacred brushes grip with thin tips and fumes like no other
hours of work for one word scribed onto the canvas
mind starts to hurt from the worlds pyschological damage
instead of leaving i approach each evening with believing
that i'm decieving the true meaning of fiending
Favorite from Pakaveli
Georgia on my mind” the octaves are flatly streaming
Open my eyes to see shadows not the moonlight beaming
Colourless moon powder vacuumed to bring forth relief
Belief on the moon powder its light jiggles my knees
Released hostages from major then minor coyly speaks
To live in LA can be clinical when old habits were the issue
Sieve the moon powder, hide it in a tissue fans miss you
What should I do, “I’m moving on” to a “Lonely avenue”
Sunset boulevard isn’t a dream when the sunsets unseen
A blessing it’s been because melodies are my means
if i had to Vote sorry guys i would Vote a Tie the pieces were very nice set up and the topics were tooking from two perfect perspectives nice topic you guys
nice topical battle guys hope to see you two go at it agian
please return the favor and feed on on my OM Broken Halo
ohhhhhhhhh GanKsta GanKsta ohhh Diope Diope
Werd son Werd
Uh dude seriously? Terrible. On Pakaveli's side only. Tell me what this means:
Wtf dude. Either you worded that incorrectly, or you just put random metaphors together to make it look intelligient. Shit like this pisses me off, because people think because they can put "smart words" in a topical, they can get HoF or Legends or some kind of positive vibe. If you're going to use vocabulary, metaphors, similies, wtf ever, you better know how to explain shit furthermore if I asked you.Quote:
Moonlight playing the 7 veiled striptease with my eyes
Tim, this obviously wasn't your par limit here, I could see that with my ears.
Probably your best lines because of its wording, and its very meaningful, depending if people understand your intellect.Quote:
popular by paintings, he's tainted from being hated
being down graded, desolated and mistaken for satan
Another good couplet, reason is the same as the previous.Quote:
bits and pieces fall in sequence without reasons
tips are bleedin into a meaning of bold grievance
And wtf at the cocksucker above me voting tie? Son, its Tim or Pakaveli, VOTE dumbshit.
V/ - Tim, for actually having a solid verse. Pz.
Ray charles wasn't blind from birth he got gradually blind....7 vilied striptease...The dance of the 7 viels is when someone removes a piece of clothing on each dance....the moonlight was a tease due to the fact that he could only see the shadows and gradually each viel was being put back on his vision...thus resutling in blindness....seriosuly,... YOu saw i'm not in SS so rant on about me wanting to get a HOF....i don't aim for that.....Quote:
Moonlight playing the 7 veiled striptease with my eyes
i like Tim's verse but you not understanding my verse makes it terrible...get off your period.
Wow.....Dope battle here.....Mmmm.....Both you guys had very good verses.....Pakaveli - Your verse was nice...The emotion was good.....It flowed very nice which allowed it to read easy.....Your imagery was good and i thought your vocabulary was nice.....Your precision in this piece was good and it didnt really do anything wrong for me.....
Tim - Like Pakaveli's verse your drop was dope also.....You had good emotion and nice flow also.....Yours read didnt read as easy but it was nice.....You had good imagery.....You did really well with your vocabulary and decent with your precision was aiight....Overall - I couldnt find anything to seperate them.....But just on because i enjoyed the read a little more my vote goes to Pakaveli....But a fooshing close battle guys great job :thumbup:
Pak and Tim....Tim and Pak......omfg this goes down in history both drops were Excellent....both stayed on topic and well thought out peices..emotion to me was felt a lil more in Pak's verse just the feeling of it......sorta like scenes from the movie was in his drop....Tim also had good emotion in his....imagery was great both ...nothin really aparted yall that i think except that pak had a lil more emotion so my vote goes to Pak
v/Pak......good job both though
please hit my om and give me pointers
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=311282
ugh im gonna have to go with pakaveli to me both pieces were technically sound really good so it came down to how took on the subject and potrayed it tho i really loved Tims piece i found that Pakas piece keep me wanting more after ... i also like the ending of the piece pak
He saw what we missed; now we miss what he saw…
it was a nice way to end the piece
well any yah peace nigz
This was a very nice battle, I feel the most of what most topical battlers should be striving torward, and trying to put in effort.
Pakaveli
I love your writing style man, everything from the way you presenet this common
knowledge, to how you stick in some indiscrete metaphors. I love it, man. You truly are a talented writer with potential of being one of the best on this site. Your verse was more than stable, it was in a comfort zone of being safe and it was still dope man. Great description and just a muse of your talent in here. Dope, man. I loved it, and it was good.
Tim
I was a little antsy about seeing your verse and I feel you kind of lacked emotion, except with the question torwards the end. Other than that, most of it was just good imagery and descriptive ethics at work. Your verse did surprise me, although I was entranced by Pakaveli's verse, because it was so good. Overall, you did great, better than I thought you would but I just have to go with Pakaveli. These lines made both of your verses great:
This was great man.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. P GanKsta
From Tim:
Good job to both.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tim
i have to go with paka man...this is one of the BEST topical battles ever on RB...both parties came very persistant and consistant in all aspects a topical is supposed to be filled in...ok down to business.
Paka- nice emotion in here and you know me im a sucker for emotion. when you broke down what it means the 7 veils striptese i understood your piece just that much more..i felt like passive at first then i read what readers said and i pertained it to your piece and shit and i understoo dyour piece more through others opinions and partaking in seeing eye to eye..you did well in the writing and tyhe wording aswell...the meotion was nicely put and it was spread out not clamped into one stanza or a few bars then gone it was nicely assorted and used..content with flow and metaphors executed were good assets to this piece nicely done.
Tim- i felt like your piece mad me a little mad from what i have been reading from you in open mics and old topical battles i felt a little pissed off cus i didnt feel your emotion i felt you were tired or you slacked ALOT cus your rhytm was kinda on a nd off..though your wordings and diction as usual in that sector always amaze me..you did well in description and image and emotion bu the grasping of the reader really just made me pissed cus i couldnt seem to feel more to your verse. you did good but paka's drop really was a nice effort on his part and i felt like you didnt even try.
V/ pakaveli. sorry tim. for reasons above
lol dont say sorry
congrats pak
Closed...dope match guys...congratulations Pakaveli...