Frozen Tears

She was a beautiful woman, a seductress, a vamp
The type of beauty who'd be - liable to leave you stunned in a trance
An alumni of dance, always mysterious and attractive
one contact left the best men delirious and ecstatic
But one man, and his crew, weren't even NEAR satisfaction
So they hatched a deadly libido, against the ravishing maiden
They planned a party, strewn withthe same madness that made them
Laughing, they made sin, into the form of a letter for the occasion
The very same letter that would get the better of the maiden
-
Phase 1: Ricky, the gentlemen, would slip the substance in drink
He would bring it up to the beauty and offer her something to sip
Lovingly wink, and saunter away to the rest of his buddies
Phase 2: "I think she's getting ready to fuck me"
Tom said, as he dialed the phone and started to speak a falsehood
A killer on campus.. students wouldn't be decieved, but the cops would
12:13, Jack believed, was when the 5-0 would show
See the socialites would flee, but they would transpire below
And then the sirens.. a student riot, but the maiden was tired
As they brought her next door, and they laid her by the fire
Tom took out the camcorder, eyes gleamed with a desire, flaring
"We'll call this GANGBANG ORGY and post it on limewire and ares"
As she woke up, crying and swearing, as Ricky entered in front
Tom dogged it from behind, moaning, sweating, but tough
Pitching a tent in her mouth, Jack hit Record then left her
The other two climaxed.
As her tears froze, on the camera lense - forever

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=308140
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=307988
topical battle for rv toureny
topic: as her tears froze

no one?

I was feeling this, but it also had a sad feeling to it. I like the imagery you got, the skills to put together a well told story whether it was true or not. (Hopefully not)...but yeah, the structure was cool, didn't get lost in it...kept me reading for sure, so I'll be on the look out for more pieces by ya'...Good 1...Mak

Whoa...

Now, this is lightyears ahead of that supercali blah piece you wrote that I didn't like at all (If you remember my response to it), but I thought this was dope. Very original concept/topic, and the way you ended brought the piece together beautifully. This was well-written for a very short piece, and the subject matter was very vivid and very true. You're only 13, but I'm letting you know now, that this shit happens all the time in college (especially fraternity parties). It's sad. Either way, nice drop man. Keep writing.

nice drop i really liked the vocabulary for your age it proves alot im hoping that this isnt the only one your going to make now ;) the topic was well thought out with the text great structure sometimes i lost track of you in the first few lines there and i saw that you repeated yourself with maiden but it didint mess up your drop in any sense so i respect it

very good drop :P
peace

Thanks all.

i was feeling this piece
the emotion and imagery were the strong points of this piece
the rhyming was gd but in places it was a bit simple, and in th last few lines there wasn't much rhyming apart from:

Quote:

---

Tom took out the camcorder, eyes gleamed with a desire, flaring
"We'll call this GANGBANG ORGY and post it on limewire and ares"
As she woke up, crying and swearing, as Ricky entered in front
Tom dogged it from behind, moaning, sweating, but tough
Pitching a tent in her mouth, Jack hit Record then left her
The other two climaxed.
As her tears froze, on the camera lense - forever

---

the flow was gd and consistent in this piece, and the structure was alrite
keep dropping

RTF in 'My Story (short version)'
peace

liked this piece here due to you putting in really DEEP DEEP EMOTION!...very nice and adequate intelligence...very nice metaphors that really grapped and put a smirk on my face. really nice wordings and choice of placements dude. loved this cus of its abstract yet physical feel to it!...nice due up dude..


Tom took out the camcorder, eyes gleamed with a desire, flaring
"We'll call this GANGBANG ORGY and post it on limewire and ares"
As she woke up, crying and swearing, as Ricky entered in front
Tom dogged it from behind, moaning, sweating, but tough
Pitching a tent in her mouth, Jack hit Record then left her
The other two climaxed.
As her tears froze, on the camera lense - forever
^^
nice emotion written all over this part right here...nice man really nice.

keep it up soul!.

Wow, sadistic, but I like it, it flowed well through out the whole piece, rhymescheme was nice, it had decent vocab, I've seen this topic before, but you really took it to the next level, I enjoyed reading this piece, it was interesting, and very vivid with detail, and the gangbang detail to this at the end was vulgar but gave your om a little bang at the end, descriptive, stayed on topic, and the you really projected an image to me, this isn't a topic that is really capable of having emotion, but yours did, with all that is possible, this overall was a good read and a good piece.

If you could return the favor.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...45#post5134445
Thanks.

yahyahyah trhanks

Cleeim hitting yours up now

up[ing

i liked this, one of those beautifully tragic type of pieces. the fact that it was so overtly descriptive and void of filler, just left such a blunt and bitter taste of destruction. the content at the end was just so abrupt that it was just so genuinley sinister and warped. the rhyme scheme kind of bored me at time, but that's whatever, because contectually you took the reader to a place so dark and disturbing without ever giving them the option to go back. engadging, descriptive, creative, had everything it needed to even out for a strong piece. great job as always man.

lol, i almost toook that as bad feed but read it over and realized im just emo.

upping, thanks

uhmp