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The Weekend.
Friday
He woke early put on his vest
..Got ready to go to work..
Was up all day jus needed his rest
Tried to act happy. Put on a fake smirk..
All his girl did last night was put him thru test
Should’ve listened, watched where he lurked..
Just to go see her and get stabbed in the chest
Saturday
Protected he might’ve been..
But he went back for more..
Did bother to look jus left bare skin
Thought nothing of Friday still walked out the door..
Walked right to the guys, thought he could win.
Last time he talked shit but this time even more..
Got jumped once…but this was only to begin.
Sunday
Now hes sick of this shit
And all he has gone thru
But he wont give up he jus cant quit
So he went and got some recruits
This time it was to get there head split
They went got laced wit some of the finest suits
Murder was what they were gonna commit
Pipes, gats..What ever they can get. Steel toe boots..
Monday
The time was come..
Nowhere to run..
They all got some..
Ready for fun..
They got vans full of men
All strapped and ready for war
Thinks why does shit gotta happen again
Nothing to be seen but blood and gore..
Set up was in place..
Bandanas over the face..
Wanting to hit an run like a fuckin race
Leaving nothing to trace..
The men came out empty handed..
50 others came out and left there name branded
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To Be continued
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I don't know if I like the structure so much because it reads more like a poem this, but that's not always bad, it's just this topicals, not poems, there IS a difference. Otrher than that...it is a very VERY general topic, but cool anyways. I think you try too hard sometimes and you can't push the words out well...these words are too elementary....so work on your wording and vocab more than anything. Overall it was a kcick-back read, meaning it wasn't like deep and it wasn't boring...it was just cool.
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hmmm so this is Bloodz famous lil brother lol.. wuts good. umm.. this was a cool piece i guess it was a good try, and i can see you are slowly gettin better with every piece you write (which is alot i might add!) To me this topic was a little too "Gangster-ish" and over all not a good choice in my mind. also the structure was a little different, the bars were really short, thus, your piece lacked descriptiveness and imagry. also with a higher level of vocabulary you should be able to elevate and grasp a decent sense of imagry... the emotion was fairly well in this piece, it could have used a little more... your rhymes were strong and the flow was consistent..
all in all good work and keep practicing.
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this was an alrite piece, iv seen betta from u
th rhyme scheme was diffrent 2 wot u usually c in a om, which makes it interestin
i liked the flow in this piece, and th strucure was alrite
keep up
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This was a so so piece, not much great i have seen better from you. You either didn't try hard enough or tried to hard over this piece.The stage your at you should think quality over quantity. Keep up the good work and slowly but surely you'll find the right style that suits you. Using shor senetences has made you lose practically all sense of imagery in this, i didn't much see metaphors or personification and there was a loss of intense description. But it's aight, just practice different styles and slowly but surely you'll progress.
