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Sweet Dreams
I don’t crave for a sweet life, just the sweets in life
Treats and bites that prevent me from feeling light
Never eating right, And I’ll be hurt or maybe doomed
If I don’t change how I’ve been eating since a baby soon
I should cry from fears stacked, instead I struggle cause tears lack
See, I was told I had diabetes a couple of years back
Thought it’d be an obstacle I’d succeed in moving through
But the day I stopped eating sweets, I stopped being human too
At least that’s what it felt like, cause later that night I yelled twice
And let myself lose my mind while to my new diet I held tight
There hasn’t been a day it felt right, Can’t even get a nap
Dreaming of the future helps but my dreams reflect the past
And my dreams are sweet, but they’re nightmares cause they’re teasing me
With flashbacks of me eating sweets that have me feeling free
Then I wake up and what I was eating is eating me
Cause there’s not a single sweet around and I’m seeking three
Plus if I had me some I’ll die, but I’ve had enough of life
Asking myself is my life worth a bite of what I like
And I say no, but I can no longer live this way though
I made some treats to let my plate show where my fate goes
Lived my life overweight, now I cant wait ‘til its over
Death’s in order, nothing else will erase this disorder
But that’s enough talk, when you’re filled with joy its hard to speak
I start to eat, and don’t stop ‘til my spoon falls cause I’m far too weak
And this is real until my life has ceased, not a kind of tease
I feel a heart attack bind and squeeze but my mind’s at ease
With one last breath left, ready to get rest, I smile as I get red
Knowing I’ll have sweets in my dreams while I sleep on my death bed
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this was nice. very differently. interesting word choice, too - i wouldn't describe that person the way you did. I would've contrasted their depression with their obsession with sweets. of course, its easy for me to say - i didn't come up with the idea. anyway, good piece. good to see something different, yet well witten
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Braaaaaaaaaap! I’ve been tryna help you topically for a while, you write waaaaaaaay too much for me to get at them all though! First things first, I liked how you opened this up.. nothing over-elaborate, but you got the readers attention and made them settle down ready to follow the tale. I don’t know what else to suggest for the next time other than to open it up with a sicker scheme, and get the reader like Woah! From the very beginning, you didn’t do badly here by any means though…
“Never eating right, And I’ll be hurt or maybe doomed
If I don’t change how I’ve been eating since a baby soon”
Hmmmm… this came off slightly forced to me. I don’t know how everyone else read it, but personally I feel the second line could of lost the ‘soon’. You should of left it at ‘since a baby’ and just re-worded the first line. A little awkward, I know, but im sure you could have done it.
“I should cry from fears stacked, instead I struggle cause tears lack
See, I was told I had diabetes a couple of years back”
Again here, I see what you tried to do, but the execution was a little sloppy. The ‘fears stacked’ just doesn’t sit right with me for some reason, its just a small gripe, but its there. What can I say, Im picky!
“Thought it’d be an obstacle I’d succeed in moving through
But the day I stopped eating sweets, I stopped being human too”
No qualms from me here, the follow up was a powerful line though. Especially for so early in the piece. It really strikes home with a thud about it. Well written.
“At least that’s what it felt like, cause later that night I yelled twice
And let myself lose my mind while to my new diet I held tight”
The ‘yelled twice’ was awkward, you maybe could of done with leaving that out. I’d of actually tried a small switch in the scheme here and gone something like…
“At least that’s what It felt like… but I had to prove-with-time ..
.. that id not lose-my-mind while to this new diet I held tight.”
Not that exactly, cos the wordings god awful! Lol. But you get the jist, I think that scheme suits the format more there, cos you’d already used the kinda… A,B…A,B/……………A,B scheme in the ‘years back’ section. Feel me? If you keep repeating that same scheme, it DOES get repetitive. You need to always keep the reader on edge, repeating the formula gets them to the point where it becomes predictable where the rhyme is going to fall into place. I try to avoid that. Just a heads up for you in future there! …
There hasn’t been a day it felt right, Can’t even get a nap
Dreaming of the future helps but my dreams reflect the past
And my dreams are sweet, but they’re nightmares cause they’re teasing me
With flashbacks of me eating sweets that have me feeling free
Flawless section there, very well written. It reads smoothly, and I liked the ‘reflect the past’ line especially. That right there is the battle-cat in you. I also liked the scheme in the third/fourth lines. Im not sure if you did that intentionally, but it trips off the tongue really easily. It’s almost effortless, and that’s the key to why its so good. I loved the sublimity there.
“Then I wake up and what I was eating is eating me”
Again, dope line. Great imagery. I think this is a strongpoint to your writing, this is something a lot of the solely-topical heads miss out on and its this sort of ‘punchline’ flava that I actually think works well when used occasionally. Ive noticed it done a lot recently, especially the RL heads. I think it’s a great touch, and you don’t over-do it either, which is of credit to you. Everything in measure. Props on that.
“And I say no, but I can no longer live this way though
I made some treats to let my plate show where my fate goes”
I see what you were trying to here scheme-wise, but while you pull it off to good effect in the first line, the follow up lets it down. On THIS occasion, I feel you should of left the ‘plate show’ multi out of the rhyme. It throws the natural ‘flow’ to it out when read. While the scheme and multies ARE important, its also important to learn when and where to use them. Even Big L knew when to lighten up! Here, I feel you could of left it out. And yes, while it would of meant the scheme becoming A-B, A-B/………A-B again, if you had switched it up earlier (as I suggested!) then you could of reverted back to that scheme here without the reader noticing it. See?
“But that’s enough talk, when you’re filled with joy its hard to speak
I start to eat, and don’t stop ‘til my spoon falls cause I’m far too weak”
I liked how you brought the reader back to the matter at hand there, and I did actually like how you flipped the scheme around BUT the ‘far too weak’ multi could of used re-wording. Its just ill-fitting in that sentence, it seems out of place. Again, maybe its just me in uber-perfectionist mode, but little things like that REALLY get at me in my own pieces, so when Im reviewing someone elses like this: It stands out like a sore thumb! Sorry!
And this is real until my life has ceased, not a kind of tease
I feel a heart attack bind and squeeze but my mind’s at ease
With one last breath left, ready to get rest, I smile as I get red
Knowing I’ll have sweets in my dreams while I sleep on my death bed
”Not a kind of tease” was forced, but scheme-wise that works well. Great word placement shown there. The rhymes again fall into place effortlessly.. I didn’t like the “Get red” rhyme, that seemed forced too IMO, but you rounded it off well. Overall a fairly strong piece, not the best I’ve read from you, but one of your better drops no doubt. Sorry if I seemed like an over-critical asshole, I did actually enjoy the drop, I think that’s shown in how long the response is! Lol. I just figured some constructive criticism would help you more than another “This was dope. Stay up.” Reply would. Take it as intended, I’ve no ill-intent behind this at all, just want to see you improve!
Peace!
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word, goodlooks x 38392929292 baron, I really appreciate the feed. and word. I agree with most of what you said. I joined the RSTL, hopefully posting there on a weekly basis will improve my writing somewhat. again, thanks a ton man.
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good shit lama. i agree slightly with baron, though you have an amazing sense of storytelling in you that not many people have. you paint your details in a way, so readers actually see whats going on in your brain and in the piece.
And I say no, but I can no longer live this way though
I made some treats to let my plate show where my fate goes
I loved this bar, simply because of the word choice and the way you portrayed what you're saying. the multies went throughout the whole piece, and i loved that part. i'm starting to pick up on the multie flow, its kind of new to me. i usually have a different sense of style in my pieces, but you're a good writer bro. props. hit up my piece Cardboard Ordinance.
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decent stuff Lama
i liked the subject matter, not seen that done before i don't believe
this was a hit and miss verse, it had some standout lines mixed with some very average stuff,
Then I wake up and what I was eating is eating me
Cause there’s not a single sweet around and I’m seeking three
But that’s enough talk, when you’re filled with joy its hard to speak
I start to eat, and don’t stop ‘til my spoon falls cause I’m far too weak
^the good shit
The rest was ok and you got your shit across, just wasn't as impacting as i feel you could have been on an original topic
