Skin & Bones

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...04#post4960004
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...56#post4960056


Silver hair ruffles
As a gust of death ardently blows
Skin and bones
Arthritis and moans
Knowing the best days have gone
Simply hardens the woes.
Strides now shuffles
The body wonders if it’s out of date
Hands shake, skin is opaque
Ordeals eating meals,
Dentures can’t even tackle what’s on the plate
Full of hate
Or too empty to care?
It’s hard to say from that broken stare.
Zips and buckles
The well used fingers barely cope
Can’t hold soap
Heartbeat from a stroke
Retirement home a matter of time
Hell, just grab the coat.
Motor neurones struggle
O.A.P, Old And Pathetic
A suffering diuretic
Dulled on anaesthetic
Half human half bottle of pills
Even the smiles’ decrepit
It’d take another lifetime
For him to fully accept it.
His will is buckled
Never had a kid it near kills him
His memory fills in,
A flickering film in
His mind of another mans wife
Who bore his child
That wore his smile
Imagining the next of kin
Never having touched it’s wrinkled skin
The book hits the floor on the page,
Of Grimms’ Rumpelstiltskin.

Wow.. Uh, this was kind of diffrent from what I'm used to reading in the Open Mic section. You had a lot of emotion and imaginary all rolled into one. At first I thought you were just jotting down phrases, trying to make them something they weren't, but then I started noticing towards the end that you were discribing a character or person. I can't say this was very well thoughtout, because it seems you were jumping around seeing what happens next with your writing. But other than that, this was a decent piece. More of a poetry piece in my opinion, but thats ok. Keep writing.

pow!

This is what we all will face...If we're LUCKY!

LMAO
I like how you went in a different direction on this piece...I was able to get a vision of the elderly...and that's a talent all writers don't possess
Good Stuff ...!!

wow this was really intresting.. i liked it alot.. word choice was tight and the concept of how u descripted ur character was dope.. very diff from anythin else ive read while bein involved on this sight.. the lines n bars was short but they were to the point and u made em clear enough that as a viewer you could automatically paint tha pickcha for yaself as to wat exactly you were sayin... piece was hott dawg.. madd props nigga

uppity up

Rumpulstiltskin....that was a story over a child and a wish...i like how you connected it in this, you also caught an essence of an old and unhealthy or very very old man. The way you described each feature really bought the image alive whilst also staying true to the flow. That in my eyes is a plus point and makes it an overall better read for the reader. I liked how you said about the body being 1 half pills one half human. that was quite clever and for some reason made me picture a lil vial of tablets lol. Anyway, i liked this and it was an enjoyable read, though it seems long it really isn't, it reads like a breeze, once again reiterating the quality of the piece. Lastly, you should write more often as this is probably the first om of yours i'v read.