When A Friend Dies

[First Verse]
I been cryin,weepin,SAD CAUSE HE DIED,
He pro'ly lookin down at me now,MAD THAT I CRIED.
I gasped and I SIGHED,he was a good FRIEND,
A good man,but he met a bad END,
I aint liein,I MISS HIM,no,I am not GAY,
You're a fuckin fagget if you think Im THAT WAY,
I remember THE DAY,down at his HOUSE,
That we found that 38,UNDER HIS COUCH,
We had a big BOUT,wit some fake GANGSTAS,
I whipped out that gun,said we aint FUCKIN WIT PRANKSTAS,
I think that RANKED US,at the top of the top o the LINE,
He was cool wit that,I was just FINE.
We been through some ard TIMES,I know that its TRUE,
Like that time we had a fight wit LEXI AND SUE.
I was about THROUGH,with those bitches playin my PEEPS,
So I kicked their peoples asses,OUT ON THE STREETS,
You were there wit me,yeah we got BEAT,
But theres been worse things than the taste of DEFEAT,
Like losin yo MOTHER,but I was right there BESIDE YOU,
Man,we was like BROTHERS,like a true pal,I was there to CONSIDE YOU.

[Verse Two comin soon]

*Lexi was a girl Ben(friend)was goin out with,and she cheated on him.Sue was actually Suzan,but I just called her Sue in this.She was cheatin on Trey(another buddie o mine)

So,any feed on how it is so far?

Yeah...its bad.

was alright.... stay up

Dno how its done on here but shud u bolden your rhyming words?

We aint stupid

Overall OK peice.

Im a lazy bastard,I didnt bother boldening anything,shift key's right there....


Anyway,still uppin

Look man, you need to not stretch your lines, this piece flowed ok, this had no emotion, I don't know if this is an actual true story or not, but there wasn't a lot of emotion, played topic, and you didn't make anything special out of it, bad vocab, you need to use multis, work on better topics, dont capitalize words in every line it gets annoying, a lot of it, it didn't even rhyme, I mean I'm sorry if this is actually true, but you didn't portray the loss of a friend that well in this piece, elevate big time man, keep writing you'll get better.

Dude, read the rules properly. Leave the links to good feedback you have left lately in your actual piece. Not in your sig'. I'm not going to shut this.. JUST READ THE RULES, or I'll have to close the next piece you do.

Aight DH,sorry but you can tell Im new,someone told me to leave the links in my sig.

Okay,aint uppin for feed anymore,I can see I need to edit this.

This is partially a true story,A lil bit I made up,but one o my pals did die.He was racin in this new car he had just got,ran a stoplight,an oncoming car hit him in the drivers side and fucked him up pretty bad.That was a lil while back,and Ive kinda gotten over it,but I decided I needed to make somethin for him,soI made this.









Here,this better?
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305985
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...675#post4879675

you had some simple parts here and vocab... but all around you didi alright carried emotion and that seemed to be the stronger part of the writing and more of your focus... asfar as imagery i didint notice it alot... i thought you had a solid peaice here but could use a little more complexty in a few catagories... like rhymescheme try to get more internals in there...

pee under the iron clad sea.