Heart String Noose

Heart String Noose

My hearts been shattered,
She’s gonna be the receiver of bad luck
I want to break the news, but she doesn’t read the paper
She’s been the love of my life, ever since the playground
And now she’s pushing me around as if I was the swing
Curiosity stricken, I didn’t want to visualize what I thought
Because she was just as curious and pervious to George
She’s an angel, but no one said angels couldn’t kill
She holds my heart in her hand, slowly wrapping the noose
Break free of her clutch, but her power has clipped my wings
Unable to fly away, I’m trapped in the pits of her mercy
She brings paper cuts to my heart, inflicting trauma
And rarely talks, but thoughts of her…
Diminish any hope for my self respect to resurrect
She comes home and puts her tongue in my mouth
And I can taste the residue of the other mans saliva
Her demonic breath makes the hairs on my body lay flat
The stench from her soul demolishes my will to live
But even as she makes me vomit, I’d rather die with then without her
Because her filthy presence somehow lightens my troubled skies
Now she’s grasping my heart; finished tightening the noose
But I build up enough strength to break her grasp,
And strangle my own heart

upp and what did you edit in my piece poeta?

Yes this was quite good. I liked this piece. It imagarised a skant whore very nicely and alsothat of a modern day romeo whos backbone was snatched at birth. One line that made a grimace come to my face was the residue of another mans saliva line, not because it was written bad but because it did it's job and made me actually feel it..which well was a disgusting thought lol. I actually liked this as it had a very rooted poetic snese but i could enjoy the events of the piece. A well done from me though i am not the best judge of pure poetry...Stay up and while your there drop a few comments on the link below na mean
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=306291

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Pakaveli

Yes this was quite good. I liked this piece. It imagarised a skant whore very nicely and alsothat of a modern day romeo whos backbone was snatched at birth. One line that made a grimace come to my face was the residue of another mans saliva line, not because it was written bad but because it did it's job and made me actually feel it..which well was a disgusting thought lol. I actually liked this as it had a very rooted poetic snese but i could enjoy the events of the piece. A well done from me though i am not the best judge of pure poetry...Stay up and while your there drop a few comments on the link below na mean
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=306291

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nicely said about this man really good mal. i liked that you had some gangsta lines then some sentimental lines ya know...this was good. i liked this drop from you with alot of great content and alot of great vocab and emotion it dwelt with and it had internal and external emotinos!...really well done!


Heart String Noose

My hearts been shattered,
She’s gonna be the receiver of bad luck
I want to break the news, but she doesn’t read the paper
She’s been the love of my life, ever since the playground
And now she’s pushing me around as if I was the swing
Curiosity stricken, I didn’t want to visualize what I thought
Because she was just as curious and pervious to George
She’s an angel, but no one said angels couldn’t kill
She holds my heart in her hand, slowly wrapping the noose
Break free of her clutch, but her power has clipped my wings
Unable to fly away, I’m trapped in the pits of her mercy
She brings paper cuts to my heart, inflicting trauma
^^
this was kool i liked this part the best! :2thumb:

RTF on subtle message please

yea thanks, I'll get to ya piece in a minute.

iight if you say so dude.

The consistancy of the piece was up and down, but overall I enjoyed this. It immediately struck me as interesting from the title, because in a piece I wrote I used that same metaphor of heart-string being used as nooses, so I figured I come and see how you decided to utilize that imagery. The piece was interesting, I mean, much of the begining section seemed like it was more personal than anything so I wasn't very surprised that I had trouble deciphering the root of what it was about, but once it hit the middle section the metaphor was strong enough to care it along it's own surface value. I liked the majority of the content, the only issues I had were in regards to wording. Very often it felt like dropping a few words, or re-arranging some things would have really helped make a line seem stronger but whatever. Overall a steady piece man, keep it up.

When you get the time...
Black-Sheep Abacus [Act Ø: Scene XII]

aight thanks, I'm a get to it now.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Myself

The consistancy of the piece was up and down, but overall I enjoyed this. It immediately struck me as interesting from the title, because in a piece I wrote I used that same metaphor of heart-string being used as nooses, so I figured I come and see how you decided to utilize that imagery. The piece was interesting, I mean, much of the begining section seemed like it was more personal than anything so I wasn't very surprised that I had trouble deciphering the root of what it was about, but once it hit the middle section the metaphor was strong enough to care it along it's own surface value. I liked the majority of the content, the only issues I had were in regards to wording. Very often it felt like dropping a few words, or re-arranging some things would have really helped make a line seem stronger but whatever. Overall a steady piece man, keep it up.

When you get the time...
Black-Sheep Abacus [Act Ø: Scene XII]

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Because she was just as curious and pervious to George
She’s an angel, but no one said angels couldn’t kill
She holds my heart in her hand, slowly wrapping the noose
Break free of her clutch, but her power has clipped my wings
Unable to fly away, I’m trapped in the pits of her mercy
She brings paper cuts to my heart, inflicting trauma

^ very good vocab man drawed my attention.





Said pretty well this piece was a very good read.But the things that could of been better in this piece was the wording maybe if you would have reworded things this piece would have been even better but overall good read.Just work on wordin better.Alot of great vocab
which even made this a better read then most man stay up and keep doin what you do.

Leave feed here.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=306567

upp

Okay, okay, I can defiantly appreciate what your trying to achieve here. This is the type of piece that grabs your attention from the first line and never really lets it go. I wont lie I never quite understood exactly what this verse was about, however, I did admire the way that it was written. Your metaphors mixed with your imagery create a very morbid and confused atmosphere , but also proved to produce a rather thought provoking setting. I don’t know….guess I’m just trying to say….good job!


Favorite lines:

Quote:

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Diminish any hope for my self respect to resurrect
She comes home and puts her tongue in my mouth
And I can taste the residue of the other mans saliva
Her demonic breath makes the hairs on my body lay flat
The stench from her soul demolishes my will to live

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^yeah, that right there, was, yeah…pretty potent. It carried such a poetic tenacity about itself.


Dopeness overall!

Pz