Title This Yourself - (my first OM)

TITLE THIS YOURSELF
Can you relate to this story?

http://img81.imageshack.us/img81/1954/picforrapjp8.jpg

…A face amongst heavens grace…
…but why does this bring her disgrace…
…A past she can no longer embrace…
…A past she cannot replace…
…A past she cannot erase…
…or abandon without a trace…

…An endless chase…
…An endless race…
…Yet she has no pace…
…Nor finishing place…

-

…Her lonesome cries do not lay balanced amidst her perfect disguise…
…As tears pass from her eyes, happiness resides, and joyfulness dies...

…A vindictiveness that will devise, and a spitefulness, that will despise…
…Because the wise, lies she relies upon, are set to reprise with no goodbyes…

…As she lays drowning in demise, no-one there for advice…
…She sits unknowingly of what will arise, and forever surprise…

…No matter how hard she tries to imply, rise, and apprise…
…Her pain, yet she has no allies, nobody there to help her improvise…

-

That she is worthy of more than her regrets…
…that make her upset…
Yet people let her fade into emotional debt
…until there’s nothing left…

No more threat, shame, nor pain
…these demons, forever slain…
The insane chain, of her reign to sustain
…a life worthy to retain…
…Nothing to neither entertain nor ascertain…
…the main hellish campaign…
That strives to disdain and obtain her domain
…and be the last to remain…

Yet as the spear draws through every tear
…and glooms near…
The mere fear she can barely hear and now cant even appear
…leaves her with a cheer…
And although the premier of her scars look severe
…they now begin to disappear…
The life she wanted to drop, but now decides to persevere
…into a promising future so dear…

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...94#post4864094
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...96#post4864096

aiit - uppin for some official feed on this guys.

first off here, it seemed like you put your rhyming first and story line around it, it should be the other way round... this made it harder to follow, therefore it took away some of the emotion, awkward wording also made the flow fall a bit

my advice would be to take more time with your story telling and a bit less with fitting your rhyming in

all in all not bad for a first drop

keep at it kid

thanks man - this was a bit of a rush piece, but thanks for the feed. uppin

Word, Yo This was not bad but yea it does seem like you focused more on rhyming than anything, you should try doing poetry cuz that seems to be more of your style of writing, also you should work on your vocab try to incorporate some intellectual words into your piece which will add to the complexity of your verse along with using more multies and shit ya know

but overal not bad bro

nice but more of a poet type drop ya feel....flow was off alot which didnt make me wanna continue to read....multies werent there which made it boring....your attempt at this was nice i must say...i was feelin the topic you used...and the pic as well..the strutre was really good very creative....but this wouldve been dope in the poetic forum...keep up man...

This was aight thogh it lacked many credentials to make a dope piece. I would rather see this in the Poetic forum and all but overall this was an aight read. The flow did go off quite a couple times which runied the visual structure.Also, you can expand your vocab, try using a braod range of vocab and imagery as it spices up the piece and make the reader more attentive and improces the overall quality of a piece too. Overall, this was aight stay up.