"Follow The Leader"

“Follow the leader”

Pluck me a melody from heartstrings,
Spit sweet abortion through my stomach,
Dance with me to the sound of slaughter,
Smell to the stench of human fesses.

Fish in my abdomen; for your child’s,
Mind rests in pain their, kiss my lips,
Place your eyes in my brain,
You will see Ghandi’s vision.

Sing songs of love down my throat,
Bleed into my veins; give a taste of loafing,
Sip shards of mirror through my reflection,
Place a rope around your neck,
To feel me burn deep inside you

Slice your wrists; feel me weep,
Surrender to the silence, to hear
Me speak; drive a blade into your chest
Feel my heart stop.

Face the music, & and listen to me sing,
Breathe carbon monoxide to your lungs,
View me fall to my knees & die.

I AM YOUR DEMON INSIDE YOU.

…Follow me brother.

So, yeah, I'd appreciate feed.

This is probably one of my more 'disturbed' piece. So if you're offended. errm. good.

Favorite Lines:

Slice your wrists; feel me weep,
Surrender to the silence, to hear
Me speak; drive a blade into your chest
Feel my heart stop.

Face the music, & and listen to me sing,
Breathe carbon monoxide to your lungs,
View me fall to my knees & die.


Feed:

I liked the lines above cause they were just very creative, i liked the way you created the image of death, didnt really feel disturbed and all but i liked the feel of the poem, and i liked the way you made yourself feel death and be the demon in the person, i like the peice..good job

RTF:

please leave feed on this..
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305777

Dude, you completely misinterprited the piece, The piece is about like 'a voice within', his dark side, it's about a person that is eating away at himself peice by peice. The whole thing is metaphorical. The surface would suggest it's a 'demon' a literal demon speaking to him. But if you read carefully it's completely himself. just him taking himself apart, The first stanza is about his wife having an abortion, hence 'dance with me to the sound of slaughter'... It's not to do with the 'voice within' telling him to commit suicide or anything, it's just telling him to keep picking himself apart. It's not to do with death.

But thanks for the feed. and i'll leave feed on your piece when i have time man.

Very good peice, it was original like WOAH, I loved the storyline, you did really well with this peice, Ok lol it took me a while to properly understand what you were talking about, but when I finally understood this peice, I loved it. I don't think many people are going to understand this lol but it was still very good none the less. Your metaphors were amazing, this whole peice was just like one big metaphor lol, your created amazing imagery. I could see everything that you wrote about in my mind, you made it so clear and easy to imagine, you described everything extremely precisely which is one of the reasons I love reading your work so much. I'm not going to say that it ws perfect, because it wasn't, and I don't like not pointing out bits that I didn't like, I don't think you should have added 'I am your demon inside you'. It's not that I didn't like this, but it's because I can imagine a lot of people misinterpreting the whole peice because of this single line, I know I did lol. But other than that this was a very enjoyable peice, it was very nearly what I would call a perfect poem. Good shit dude.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Absinth.

Dude, you completely misinterprited the piece, The piece is about like 'a voice within', his dark side, it's about a person that is eating away at himself peice by peice. The whole thing is metaphorical. The surface would suggest it's a 'demon' a literal demon speaking to him. But if you read carefully it's completely himself. just him taking himself apart, The first stanza is about his wife having an abortion, hence 'dance with me to the sound of slaughter'... It's not to do with the 'voice within' telling him to commit suicide or anything, it's just telling him to keep picking himself apart. It's not to do with death.

But thanks for the feed. and i'll leave feed on your piece when i have time man.

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thanks for the break down..lol..

Upping.

Meh, feed people.

i thought this was an interesting piece. i liked how dark and weird it was, although if it wasn't for your clarification i would have believed you were trying to personify the inner demon, rather than detail a man trying to bring himself down. this isn't necessarily a flaw, it just gives it another dimension. i did feel these dimensions and the difference between the two could have been explored in more depth, but that's just a thought. as it is i liked it. interesting language and i enjoyed the fact that issues such as abortion were mentioned but left relatively vague. mystery definitely helped the piece. a couple of issues emerged with a few misspellings (faeces), a cliched opening line, and the line in the red was a bit heavy-handed. other than that it was quite nice.



please leave feed on my piece 'another pursuit', thanks.

Well, I just pm'd you and then saw this piece so I read it.

I thought this was a nice piece actually. Before i hand out complements, I have to say that some of your lines didn't keep the same level of comprehension. For instance:

"Place a rope around your neck,
to feel me burn inside of you."

yes it was good, but it kind of has nothing to do with each other. If I am missing something there, please set me straight. That was the only one worth mentioning.

Now I loved the following line:

"Face the music, & listen to me sing."

That is something that I would have written, and I liked seing a line that was played off of an everyday term. You used good diction throughout the whole piece, your lines had equal power in your words (except those two).


I have to run... I'll fill in the rest of my feed when I get home. pz.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Po' It.

Well, I just pm'd you and then saw this piece so I read it.

I thought this was a nice piece actually. Before i hand out complements, I have to say that some of your lines didn't keep the same level of comprehension. For instance:

"Place a rope around your neck,
to feel me burn inside of you."

yes it was good, but it kind of has nothing to do with each other. If I am missing something there, please set me straight. That was the only one worth mentioning.

Now I loved the following line:

"Face the music, & listen to me sing."

That is something that I would have written, and I liked seing a line that was played off of an everyday term. You used good diction throughout the whole piece, your lines had equal power in your words (except those two).


I have to run... I'll fill in the rest of my feed when I get home. pz.

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Place a rope around my neck...
To feel me burn inside you...

^^^Rope burn. When they used to hang people, the neck of the victim was burnt by the noose.

wow, nifty/gory piece. it was very top notch but at the same time simple and directly to the point, so to speak! graphic piece, but it also illustrates that evil consciousness we have inside ourselves, the "emo" in everyone. in cartoons you see the devil on one shoulder, the angel on the other, you showed us the devils point of view very gruesomely but elegantly at the same time. i enjoyed the read, but the vibe you get FROM the read is terrible :\ ..

hit mine homo :D

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305785

Thanks alot dude. Appreciated.

Uppidy. Feed people. I'm sexy.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Absinth.

Dude, you completely misinterprited the piece, The piece is about like 'a voice within', his dark side, it's about a person that is eating away at himself peice by peice. The whole thing is metaphorical. The surface would suggest it's a 'demon' a literal demon speaking to him. But if you read carefully it's completely himself. just him taking himself apart, The first stanza is about his wife having an abortion, hence 'dance with me to the sound of slaughter'... It's not to do with the 'voice within' telling him to commit suicide or anything, it's just telling him to keep picking himself apart. It's not to do with death.

But thanks for the feed. and i'll leave feed on your piece when i have time man.

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Lol, a piece can't be that good when you have to completely explain it to others after they reply 'wrong'.

Besides, let him understand it as he wants. It's poetry, not a cease fire.

Nice diversity. "Sip shards of mirror through my reflection" I loved that.