Help from the heavens (Quick read)

Yoo this my second ever OM i would really like some feed iitght i basicly keystyled this then came back n did alil editing




I'd watch as I stay wake and listen too the late night screaming
I'd Regret not doin a thing as i seen my Young Sibling tearing
As they sat fearing, expected the worest from what we were hearing
Loud creaks on the floor comin from down across the corriddoor
They would close there eyes and wish for no more and they heard the twist of the door

Fuck a twist the door came crashing down!

The young youth saw,
by the moon light in aw
of what was not there no more
A angered husband with his wife at his feet, unconcuis now
He stood there with a sinister grin, blood across the brow
Then without him speakin with out him makein a sound
Seem'd as his soul got lost'then the next moment it was found
He brust into tears and droped to his knees... yea in that moment
His life flashed before him witch added another incrazed compownent
He looked down in tears at the blood on the floor and realized he owned it


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305298
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304770

bump

upppp

Dont worry bro i got this....

your content was good, real deep. The flow was off. To fix that make your lines shorter and rhyme more times. You dont have to rhyme 1 syllable every line, try 5. But in your defence the second part was better. You kinda confused me thru the second part, but it was a decently written peice and you stand a good chance to get better. Overall your not dope yet by anymeans, but you will be there short. That's just my honest opinion.

4/10.


Return the favor on my peice On Top of theWorld.

ps. another way to get replys, since you dont have any is reply to other peoples peice and ask them for return crit back. If your open to honest crit and can give a decent reply it really helps you, them, and the forum overall. Peace.

thx will rtf


bump

Okay, the terrible spelling job got to me at first, but you're 13 so that's forgivable, you've got years of school to fix that.

I like that you're trying, the last three lines were actually kinda good, there is just no depth here. Keep writing, keep reading most importantly, to start to get an idea of how to better form your writing so that it will sound better.

Good luck.

Thx ^^^^

Uppp


P.s if u drop feed drop a link soo i can rtf thx

I can see ya trying to elevate so props for that na mean. This had many flaws but in general i liked it. The essence of it was aight and so was the ending but you need to learn to use more imagery and description in your verses to get the reader imagining more aspects of your verses. Overall, it was a good try keep striving and you'll get better no doubt.
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Check this when you get the minute:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305352

ay u iight I would suggest elevation tips like vocab and spelling dog but keep it up!