Unhappy Presently Past

This day begins in the evening -
Sun going down, already the frown is deepening-
On the creased face of this east paced Girl-
Attacked by pressures from the pleasures of this world...
Her night life behavior is socially rooted-
Under the rug is where her past love is scooted-
No time now-
It's over, life's been disappointing-
Twenty Six and She already misses the old thing
So she's drinkin' and dancin, pitchin' a bar tent
Havin' one night stands in a strange man's apartment...
Leaves quietly, slips out unsatisfied,
Hails a cab - but inside would rather have died
At home all there is are pictures-
Of fond memories and she stares, and slips first,
And then completely falls-
Into that old dream of being back in the halls...
...Back on the playground...
She misses gettin' tucked in when she laid down...

A tear almost comes out, but she stubbornly stops it...
Chops it off before it starts - then the scars itch
And she can't escape her past-
The badges of courage are on her skin to last
There's no kiss you can give for ripped tissue-
It won't just go away, it stays with you-
Constant reminders of the first guy-
Thought he was the shit, but he was SHIT. Why?
Die? Live? Options you can't give appraisal...
Keeps wakin' up so she assumes the wound' isn't fatal...
But it's a parasite that just cannot be removed-
It'll be there tonight despite how much she consumes...

We all know a person like this-
They're partyin' too much, too high and righteous
If you haven't met one, I promise you will-
You'll see it in their eyes when time stands still...
Ya see the stories are tragic, and it accounts that-
Only the weak people just quit and can't bounce back...
So if your past eats you, Please, close it's jaws...
Live for the future, Press Play... Stop pause...


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304433
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304463

Nice use of topical knowledge, I like how you kept it up the whole time and the last paragraph with a conclusion/solution.
peace

this was a nice peice. it had some good some rhymes throughout, nice multies too.....flow was good but structure was a bit off and i didn't like the - symbols u put after everyother line that was just random and wrecked it a little bit. the topic was interesting and creativity. imagery was alright could have been better if u upped your vocab. but overall this was a pretty nice peice. keep it up.

i wasnt expecting too, but i quite liked this piece, havent read anything from you before but ill keep an eye out... the main thing i liked about it was the way you built a visual picture

this was my fav' bar -

A tear almost comes out, but she stubbornly stops it...
Chops it off before it starts - then the scars itch

nice emotion through it too... all in all quite a well rounded drop, if anything id say it could have been filled out a bit more with more rhyming

anyways... pz

Thank you for your comments, I appreciate it. I will be looking into your stuff either later tonight or tomorrow, I don't have the time right now, I was just glad to see a couple of responses to this, because it was pretty heartfelt when I wrote it...

Anyways...

^uppin for additional feed.

^uppin

Nice...i liked this, the essence of this was very good and the emotion was there, something which has been missing in many recent oms. I really liked the emotive wordins and the flow once again very good as it usually is in your pieces. Not much i cna really complain about...Maybe fix your structure though that would only count an extra cause the flow allows the reader to follow the verses easily and the whole piece is aeisthetic and doesn't overbear the reader when he sees it. Overall, i liked this piece i found it simpl at times but the simplicity was backed up by a brimful of emtions. Good piece, worthed the time and more so.
.
Check this piece when you have the minute, thanks
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304785

ok, I thought the imagery in this was pretty nice for the most part, it really seems like you got that area covered, although at times you do say stuff that should have been rewored better since it just comes off forced, like your using words just to rhyme.. but not much, heres an example

On the creased face of this east paced Girl-

east paced girl, comes off weird to me, I mean maybe it doesnt to you, but yea, I wouldnt say that like ever really lol.. I'd say that should have been reworded better

It's over, life's been disappointing-
Twenty Six and She already misses the old thing
So she's drinkin' and dancin, pitchin' a bar tent
Havin' one night stands in a strange man's apartment...
Leaves quietly, slips out unsatisfied,
Hails a cab - but inside would rather have died

the first line here I dont see what your saying by "old thing", maybe I'll get it as I continue to read on, the other two bars here were pretty good, especially the should have died part, now we're seeing some emotions, piece should get good from here.

Thought he was the shit, but he was SHIT. Why?

that was worded weird, another line I really would have reworded better, it just didnt come off natural at all.

ok so this this end off as good as it started, Im not really sure why you ended it like that, seems like shes used to having sex, or getting date raped, or something or just having sex with mean guys or whatever, i dunno... actually maybe you went for the party girl that always ends up having sex, even when she tries not to, on some nympho type shit, yea.. thats what it seems, but still. i think you should have added more to it, like.. just made it make more sense and hit the reader more. still, this had its moments and was aight..

loved the story behind this om, flow was tight throughout every verse especially the beginning, you started it off very well and continued it through the entire story, no parts really threw me off....everything was decent, flow...wordplay...multiz...imagery...vocab, although vocab could always be a little bit better you did a good job with word choice in this piece

8/10
..check my OM plz..
..stay up

To explain to David Lama, east paced girl means a girl that kind of runs her life according to the east coast nightlife, like, the big city nightlife.

The 'old thing' was the relationship that she used to have, and she is not able to get over it. This story revolves around this girl that quite simply was in love very deeply, and then the relationship ended, maybe on rocky terms or maybe not, but in any case, she has chosen to deal with that by going out drinking and partying and having one night stands and meaningless hook-ups. She should have found someone else eventually or maybe gone about life in a better way, but even after many years, like six or seven, she still is doing these things.

The thing about "thought he was the shit, but he WAS shit," refers to her thinking of that first love as the best thing ever, or worth the world, and then in the end she comes to find that really he WAS shit, the guy was a bastard or whatever and fucked her over, but she can't even quite blame him for that because she misses him and was so in love with this guy, even though he fucked her over.

That's what I'm getting at. Thanks for the extensive feedback, though, I'm glad you took the time. And yes, I think some lines could have been better worded, as is almost always the case. I strive for perfection.

^uppin

This was nice, I've never read anything from you. I liked your style, it was anything but forced. Uhh.. This was kind of a played topic, but you did as much as possible with it, and it turned out better than most. At first it seemed kind of boring, you might want to try and exite people first, then you know.. but after the first stanza, it all came together and wasn't as "wtf?". Nice job once again, keep writing.. Could you leave feed on my "Ransoms In Rants" piece?