The Heist

The Heist

The Heist

Wednesday night, end of a long day, phone ringin'
Pick up, ex on the other end cryin' an' on her own clingin'
to what little stability that still remained
So I was thinkin, bitch still wit' games, still the same
She killed them claims, recallin' that around around eight PM
A nigga robbed an' abused her outside an ATM
Swiped her purse, an' shoved her to the ground when she fought
Thought she'd seen the last of abuse in 2004
An ex tried rapin' her, a supposed friend started tapin' her
Father beat her constant and voiced how he be hatin' her
So when school was out, she was quick to movin' out
Figured with a new start, abuse was one thing she'd do without
But here she is delirious, no one to talk with
I told her "cancel all of ya cards, an' ring the locksmith"
Said she has, so "what's the worry now?"
"I'm upset", "...and? C'mon, it's me girl", "and the purse held over 700 hundred pounds" (near $1500)

...Face turned to stone, questions started scramblin' out
"Girl whatchu doin' carryin' that sorta cabbage about?"
"It was a down-payment for my new place", she felt weak
Cryin' "I dunno what to do, what do I do, please help me"
7 months since I split wit' her, I had set my sights to be free
But a year an' a half together, this girl was tightest to me
So no doubt in my mind, for her, I had to handle this
No matter what consequences I'd be hampered wit'
Told her to go her parents' but she refused it
"If I go back to my father, my life's over, I can't do it
I can't go through that again, no 'you shoulda listened' shit
No more shoutin', no more mental or physical cripplin'"
I said "wouldn't ya mother stand up an' object vocally?"
To which she replied "she's the only person I know more scared to be alone than me"
Then she started cryin' into the phone again
"I'm breaking down baby, please make these problems go away"
Questions attack, need to get the rest of the facts
Negro, over 6 foot, dressed in some black
"How a nigga rob you outside Notting Hill, place for rich cats?
Central London, then where was the motherfuckin' PIGS at?"
She still weepin', continually sayin' she doesn't know
There was one Pig there who seemingly let a brother go
Dude ran straight past him, when she questioned the Pig
He claimed ignorance, told her "consider this a lesson then Miss"
"Did you ask about CCTV?"
"Yeah, like five times since the Police team's seen me"
"And?" "and they said they'll be quick to use it
Warnin' me tho, 'results are usually inconclusive'"
Fuck this, I asked fa the Pig's name, she didn't know
Asked about everythin' she had in the purse, she listed loads
"Credit an' store cards, license, jewellery
Keys an' a planner", "Planner?", "Yeah I need it for school ya see"
Then she recollected "shit... that's got my address in"
"Get the fuck out...", "Well it's my old one, don't needa be stressin'"
"You mean ya previous flat?"
"Yeah, why?", "The same previous flat ya purse holds a keyring to which the keys are attached?"
I paused, she sayin' "what's wrong? I wanna talk in person honey"
"Aight, I'll see you tonight, an' I'll have ya purse an' money"
"What? It's too late, you won't manage to win"
"You get ya keys to ya new place, go an' rest, I'll handle this shit..."

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http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...251#post4752251
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...270#post4752270

nice drop right here man it was pretty long tho but still had some nice multies..pretty steady flow didnt fall off much...strutre was kinda weak and sloppy..this doesnt look like something u worked to hard on...but it was still pretty nice good topic to write on not played....please hit up both my oms if u have time.

Thank you.

This was nic. A bit long but nice. The storyline was nice gave a bit of a basic layout. Being robbed and having a bad past. But still nice. The flow was unsteady at time...like fought and 04 dont rhyme. So like when writing never try making words rhyme always think what does say em out loud if you must. The strutcure I dont care about thats wack to judge off of structure to me. There was little wordplay but use of slang was often. I hardly use slang but for this it was a good choice. Thewording was nice at times almost wrapped around itself but it still led along with the rest. Overall this was nice just word take use to what I said about rhyming.

Thank's i will consider improving in my next read.

This was long as fuck. lol. But man it's a couple things you can work on here. Okay for one, your flow. Pretty choppy at times man seriously. I mean some lines were stretched like hell when others were real short nah mean. Next, ya rhyme scheme. Pretty basic here, I think you can do alot more with it. And fought and 04 doesn't rhyme. Next, imagery. It was iight but not well sought here. When it was titled The Heist I was thinking it would definitely depict a picture in my head but I pretty much got nothing. Next, the emotion. Wasn't really felt all that well here. I think you could also do alot with this. Next, the diction. I'm sorry man but your diction was absolutely horrible here. Totally forced at times. Work on that. On an overal the storyline was ok but I think you should read up on some tuts to get your writing skills up. This is just critiscm bruh. Take it and get better. Keep writing though.

Thank's for the feedback.

this was super long but it was worth reading, nice drop for just a freestyle man, good shit, i liked the feel of it, nice imaging of the OM, good shit, i liked the read man, i did...

Thanks for the feed.

real nice piece here. originality was key in this. the overall content and story was dope. the flow was tight. reading it out seemed like you wrote this to a beat. but anyways. the overall emotion was low but it fit this piece. the vocabulary was tight. couldve been elevated a tiny bit to perfect it. the structure was even most of the way through. and the use of dialogue was perfect, sometimes the dialogue in OM's gets stretched out and it screws with the flow but this was kept straight the entire way through. i loved the ending and the climax of it all. really good drop mystique. keep em comin.

-Peace

Thank' you.

this was quite a good read, you did very well with the storyline, it was very intersting and original, you made me want to read more. on the negative side,your flow was a bit off in various parts throughout this peice, which made the flow a bit dodgy, but anywayz, back to the positives....you had very good imagery,you described everything very well,and left nothing at all to the reader's imagination. good job with this peice dude, I enjoyed the read. sorry that the feed is so brief,but I'm quite busy right now,but yea props dude.

This was quite good. It had originality and intricasy in technique which made it grasping and interesting. The piece was long but once i got into it it went past pretty fast however the flow wasn't fully smooth it had 1-2 a bump but nothing too major i can say. I liked the use of your imagery. The descriptive words were there adn so was the detail which created images in the readers mind. Lastly, i reckcon the form and strcuture could be improved. Overall, this was a good piece, stay up.

Thank you.

excellent peice. it consisted of many great rhymes and multies.
they was excellent. you also had great imagery helped out by
great vocabulary. creativity was impressive and the flow was smooth
strucutre was descent. you could work on that and that would
also improve the flow a little better. the topic was cool i've seen
topics similar but this was a very good read. great job. keep it up
peace.