What Makes The Difference?

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303923
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=299799

*This is a true story of my friend*

We all have dreams and goals that we want to pursue
A life of success is the motivation our hearts long for
That a life for a kid? Work isn't what they want to do
Kids imagine life as a fireman, a teacher, even a doctor
Clouds encircle their thoughts, as if the jobs were easy
But they don't seem to understand the sacrifice ahead
In order for you to complete a task and do it pleasing
Most can't complete one thing and they can't try again

"Son why do you want to become a doctor, it takes alot"
"Mom, I will do what it takes to save an important life"
"Perhaps you're correct dear, go ahead and give it a shot"
"Yes, ma'am, and I will remain sleepless until I do it right"


We don't see when people are in danger; right before us
Like faces of laughter and play, mask our every emotion
But death closes in around us and we try and ignore it
Family is important, live every day for them in devotion
Horrible news haunts the man who now pursues his career
He wants the money, but does he know of life's importance
Like jugsaw puzzles the pieces fit, but they remain unclear
But one thing is certain, his life is about to get distorted

"Nurses we need you here now and doctors get here quick
We've got a bleeder with a dull pulse, don't have much time"
The doctor arrives at the operating table, imagine how sick
He himself now operating on one person he loved his whole life
Son, I can't feel my body, maybe it's my turn to be in heaven
"Mom.....what happened to you? Mom tell me if you're alright?"
"Doctor....we can't do anything"....but he still tries everything
Seeing his mom in agony, he prays to God, so she may not die

"All you and I can do is wait son, you know that I am right"
"But mom I've done the work before, I have just enough time"
"I am an old woman, I don't need to live, I fought my fight
"Since you let me pursue my career, I learned to save a life"

Hmm.. Like I say on every piece, there were a few flaws that you could have improved on. Like I said, you don't always have to go with the same style. You could go with story telling, instead of first person. Usually I just give my opinions on the whatever I'm doing it on. See, you have tremendous potential, it just is like, you haven't found your style quite yet. Right now, I would like to see a more poetic or metaphorical piece from you if you use this type of writing. Maybe you could shorten the lines up a bit, and try to use multies. Just remember this, you can always try new styles, don't be afraid to try new, just post it up or PM it to me, and see what we think about it. And as far as the storyline goes, I think you presented it well, but as you experiance how writing is, you won't worry about structure. Really, I felt for a piece like this, you could have used more emotion. It was quite dramatic after you think about it. When you switched off of narrirator mode and into 1st person, it got a little more exillerating, but when you were in that groove, it was honestly getting boring. Not trying to shoot you down. But here are some things you can change to make it a little more exciting for the reader. For 1, you could add multies, that is the ultimate modifier you could add into your verse. Second, you could shorten your lines, maybe add a few metaphors. Read a few pieces from Myself Camarac or Bounce. Those are your basic styles at best. Keep writing, I see potential. And once again, this is just my two cents. I tried to be as honest as possible so I don't mislead you. I can't wait to see you in your prime.

well dude, I liked this peice, I loved how you started it off with the boy that wanted to be a doctor, this part I think was my favourite part of the whole peice, it flowed well, the vocab was on point, and the storyline was very very good. However, I do not think this is as good as your last peice, which is fine because nobody drops to their full ability all the time, this was still a very nice read, and I enjoyed it a lot, just not as much as the other one.

'Horrible news haunts the man who now pursues his career
He wants the money, but does he know of life's importance
Like jugsaw puzzles the pieces fit, but they remain unclear
But one thing is certain, his life is about to get distorted'

^I loved these lines, they were so descriptive, and the wording was just so good, great work on those four lines. The end was good, it was very descriptive and emotional, you finished the peice very nicely. props on this one dude.

This was a simplicit yet good read...the begging aspirations represented what most kids even us all would have been like, i.e. thinking of being this and that. That was a common idea incorporated in a good way into your verse. The vocabulary of this piece was quite good better in some parts than others but still quite good. The piece flowed well and the ryhtm was a plus poin which was there to grasp the readers attention more and therefore, i liked it. Overall, this was a good emotive piece stay up.
.
Also, i'll appreciate it if you could check up the om, "My psychic ability", thanks
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303797

This was a nice piece, I enjoyed the way that it flowed together. You have a very odd writing style, not bad, just different from what we normally see here in RB, like your writing poetic but at the same time, your infusing rap along with it. <---I know some of you will say "Def, rap is a form of poetry..." But if you think about the styles we use here in RB, then you can tell his is quite different, and somewhat catch my drift. You could have improved upon vocabulary in this piece, but other than that, not too much else catches my attention, except for maybe a multi or two. The imagery in this piece as well as the last piece is quite extrodionary, seeing as you are writing about real life topics, things you've actually come into contact with, it's not as if your writing just to have something to see. You seem to be venting, or something of that nature, sharing with us. Sending a message, thats what I like most about this piece, it's sending a kind of message, like help those who helped you. A kind of never forget where you came from kind of thing, and if you try hard enough you can achieve your goals. Nice, you came on strong, you elevate a little and you will be putting out legends material in no time. :)

Good work continue to drop dope. :2thumb:

hmm... sorry to tell u this Old Man but i didnt really enjoy this piece that much for one reason... your rhyming is too simplistic... use more complex and difficult words to rhyme, that'll help show off your talent and make you a better writer... like anyone can rhyme alot and shot.. and also work on your multis... not only your last syllable has to rhyme, make it your last 3 or sumthin.. anythin to show off that talent that i kno you have... but the rhyming was my only beef... I liked the topic, and i liked how you based it on true life events, that's usually wut i do with mine, but sometimes, as pak would say, you gotta b more abstract... for your next piece, think outside of the box, think metaphorical.. i think if you do that you'll have a almost godly talent... but i liked the plot to your story here and i liked the twist... the vocab was good and discriptive, and the structure and flow was consistent throughout... good display of emotion in this piece right here, you did very well in that section

All in all good job, just work on those rhymes, no more old fogey non multi pieces aight? lol just playin... neways hit up one of the other 2 links in my sig.. thanks

~1~

I liked this. You've got a thing for plot-twisting. Well done. The one thing I could give some advice on is perhaps switching up the style a bit. There's nothing wrong with experimentation. You did well with syllable matching, imagery was on point. I like the straight forward approach that you bring to your pieces.. Keep that.
Split

-Edit: I didn't see the part about this being a true story, so I take back my switching up the style bit. After seeing that, I have to say this piece jumped up a few notches. It seems much more.. beautiful.. For lack of a better term.. Or that could be the best term for it.

We don't see when people are in danger; right before us
Like faces of laughter and play, mask our every emotion
But death closes in around us and we try and ignore it
Family is important, live every day for them in devotion
Horrible news haunts the man who now pursues his career
He wants the money, but does he know of life's importance
Like jugsaw puzzles the pieces fit, but they remain unclear
But one thing is certain, his life is about to get distorted

"Nurses we need you here now and doctors get here quick
We've got a bleeder with a dull pulse, don't have much time"
The doctor arrives at the operating table, imagine how sick
He himself now operating on one person he loved his whole life
Son, I can't feel my body, maybe it's my turn to be in heaven
"Mom.....what happened to you? Mom tell me if you're alright?"
"Doctor....we can't do anything"....but he still tries everything
Seeing his mom in agony, he prays to God, so she may not die

"All you and I can do is wait son, you know that I am right"
"But mom I've done the work before, I have just enough time"
"I am an old woman, I don't need to live, I fought my fight
"Since you let me pursue my career, I learned to save a life"

^^
from there on out i kept on reading with great depth in interest man i like it how you had the true story to back shit up but still had a nice vision of nothing played ya know...nice man i liked your emoiotion it was spontaneously erupt and nice. keep writing.

RTF on the open mic Amor'
i went for basic in that piece so....please understand

uppin...and thanks

uppin again...wow saddening

uppin this again.....

uhm i dunno seeing these joints on om sometimes sort of pushes past the limit and into the "poetry" section

coz im in a rap sort of mood here. but yeah i felt emotion in the pace of this joint..........

rhyme scheme was a poetry ish. not exactly a complex one at that. only maybe complex to follow the flow of. so other than religiously following rythym / metre then well.........

was all worded well no doubt and exelent imagery ideas






ha



and yippe a rap rhyming bar right at the end

"I am an old woman, I don't need to live, I fought my fight
"Since you let me pursue my career, I learned to save a life"


good tale. b right here im saying spit sum rap rhyhming bars..


pz1

Agreed on most of the parts but still a decent drop not like the others i've seen from you kinda basic compared to your other drops vocabulary was simple and kinda basic but not too basic the rhyme scheme could've been better, word choice could've been a bit more complexed, other then that nice storyline seeing its based on truth events keep it up homie