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Pencil Sharpener
I'm missing .. .. ..
In a sea of muddled thoughts, I stumble, lost
Hit by a subtle shock, I can no longer grasp the art
I'm a master, barred. My actions marred
Fact is, I'm starved for a disillusion solution
A delirium serum, I'm damn near to appearing
I just need a final push, shove, and a jerk
To reach my unsurmountable perch
To drink from my very own fountain of works
That I molded, folded, destroyed and created
I might explode and erode my previous ploys and my phases
And be able to avoid my displacement
Escape this void of derangement than find an inkling intentions
That can exist in dimensions only found in my brain and my sentences
I try in vain... and descend, each time my pencil breaks or dulls
Im in need of a motive before I end, and fade to null
I'm a hundred shades of gray and I end up jaded
As a faceless patron in the streets of Satan
I'm.. just.... waiting.. for a clear mindscape
But I fear I signed fate away to a divine place
Perhaps this is a sublime rape, taking my creative virginity
I've spent years evading obscenity, but now it stays in proximity
spilling my thoughts is tough, but what about pulling a trigger?
And its not so hard filling my liver with undistilled liquids..
I'm my own villian civilian, eclipsing my writing nexus
I exist as a sightless peasent.. you see, I'm no pleasant martyr
Plus. the end is darker
As I'm searchin' for a way to get my pencil sharper
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WEll quite good. Like a moment explained in every detail. Some parts got awkard but the multiple style with tthe unique words in parts was good. Enjoyable....I liked the way you bought out ideas in my head of different images and the contradictive statements were positively supoorting the piece as well. The main falw of this piece is probably the structure, i prefer a piece having a proper form but the structre was hurt in your decision to write with high detail. Overall, i liked it, a good read, made me thing of a child whos day dreaming whilst on the search for the object he/she wants, in this case the pencil sharpener......Also, it would be appreciated if you could check the om, "My Psychic Ability", thanks
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303797
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This was good. I liked it. You got some spelling errors man, fix that I kinda got lost you know. You had alot of vocab here and what I like about it that you used your sentence to tell the meaning of it. Some writers on sites be posting a verse with FULL of Vocabularies but it don't make sense by the way they worded thier sentence. Feel me? I like the concept/idea and the approach was very good and original. I liked it. The imaginary and the flow was on point, you potrait your words beautifully in this peace. The Emotion from the character you've expressed it really good within your words. The only thing wrong with this piece is your spelling. And thats all I have to say. Good drop man..
Return the favor by my new OM its called "Dandelions Blue's ". Thanks I appreciate it. Peace.
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What was spelled wrong??
And I am the character..
this is about writers block
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yeah for real a nice way to begin. you sort of acted the words out. like say you slowly stumbled in w the flow. then pick up the pace after a couple of bars. opening lines setting up the scenery nicely..........
i see you dropping w a totaly tightly packed characters as its apparently known. nice pattern formed in the making as well...
inside line rhymes was illy n poppin off heat. nice metaphoric drops as well... drinking from fountain of works. coz yeah i mos def like visual mettas. n u mos def droped sum smooth ones...............
vocab was dope. by just about not going over the top. nothing was too tricky to work out or nothing...........
i thought the drop in syllables sort of paused the flow here-
I'm.. just.... waiting.. for a clear mindscape
b perhaps it was a deliberate pause as a set up for the next lie.
wordpllays was illy as well. i like the way u rhymed certain words together at the right time..........
this line seem to need sum sort of rewording-or structuring........
I exist as a sightless peasent.. you see, im now pleasent martyr
couple minor things here n there to fix.
totaly=
yeah was cool read for real.
keep flowing. l
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This was cool. At first it was obvious that you were just trying to rhyme so hard, lol. Just let it come off natural, like it did as your topical progressed further and got more influential/content fulfilled.
I'm a master, barred. My actions marred
Fact is, I'm starved for a dissilussion solution
^What. I have no idea what a dissilussion solution is/means. Never use a word you cannot spell.
My favorite part of your verse:
I try in vain... and descend, each time my pencil breaks or dulls
Im in need of a motive before I end, and fade to null
I'm a hundred shades of gray and I end up jaded
As a faceless patron in the streets of Satan
I'm.. just.... waiting.. for a clear mindscape
But I fear I signed fate away to a divine place
^Came off real natural, like this is more of your style than the flat out rhyming you were so mercifully trying to pursue in this piece. This was pretty decent. You're really young. You have 3 hall of fame pieces? Interesting. Anyway, real cool ish.
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this was a good read, I enjoyed it, it wasn't overly fantastic or anything, I have seen better from you, but still a very enjoyable peice. I agree with Nique, the start of this seemed a bit forced, but as I progressed in to this peice it seemed to get a lot easier to read. your vocab was very good and the storyline in itself was unique and very interesting. The best part of this in my opinion was the imagery, you left nothing to the reader's imagination, you described everything with such precise detail, I was picturing every thing that you wrote, so yea nice peice dude, props.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303969
return the favour please
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dissilussion solution
solution to disillusion
anyway up
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this piece was a great read. like witness said it wasnt mad dope. but it was still a pleasure to read. overall the flow in conjunction with the structure was dope. the flow was smooth, while the structure was even throuhgout the entire piece. the originality in this was pretty good. i liked the description in this, it worked well with the vocabulary. the rhyme scheme was dope. nice use of the vocabulary again..nice use of multies, sometimes people just put multies in to have them, there really not needed but this piece needed them and it elevated them to near perfection. keep droppin tihs piece was again good, but you have much higher potential. rtf on my piece, It Seems in my sig if you get a chance. much appreciation..
-Peace
