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Last Time I was Here
Last Time I Was Here
http://www4.gvsu.edu/pozzig/european...asso_woman.jpg
In the valleys I augment, forlorn
Singing gently, to the glistening moon
Thorns, pique me hard, my skin is torn
My heart, is crushed, my beloved is doomed
Drinking to good will, and health
I pound on the counter, tapping a tune
For love, alas, can be found in wealth
My daughter will return home, soon
Doomed, to life in the clutches of turpitude
Possessed, riches are a demon in disguise
My love has departed, disappeared for good
While my eyes, ooze with tears, I cry to the skies
Sited by the window, I linger, akin to a hunting tiger
Brandy tumbler in hand, awaiting her arrival
Revelling in the warmth, I fish out my lighter
Light my cigarette, and marvel at my antique rifle
Drifting through the woodland, my soul laid bare
Lacking a care, for I possess, no intention to subsist
I lightly kiss, my single memoir of her, a strand of hair
One standing prayer, before I progress, to incise my wrist
Toppling over my own two feet, frantic, and unaided
She did not arrive, with a crushed heart, I stretch to my gun
My daughter was my life, I’m abandoned, and I hate it
So goodbye vindictive world, my epoch has been fun
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A sudden change of heart, tempts this girl, to find her love
As she races through the forest, weeping with delight
The sight in front of her, makes her plummet to the mud
Her beloved lays dead, accompanied only by a knife
Tears of joy turn to woe, she returns home, that very night
Crashing through the door, needing to see her father
She drops to her knees, and weeps, as he lays lifeless
Her most beloved in the world, are gone, her heart is shattered
In a tunnel to depression, she remembers the old days, so righteous
She prays to the sky, talks to her father and her dearest
knowing what has to be done, she no longer fears it
‘Last time I was here, all was peaceful and great
But I’m coming to heaven, to meet you, so wait.
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Good piece man. Your rhyme scheme and vocabulary showed through greatly in this piece. It was relaxing which made it very enjoyable to read. The flow was good but it changed up at times which made it a bit awkward. Diciton was pretty good here. Little things could be helped here and there but overall it was pretty good. I liked this piece Witness. Good work. And thanx for the feed on my piece. I'll be writing alot more.
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I liked the first part better then the second part, I will say to begin... I think you better incorporated the language in the first stanza to match your lyrics and transition from line to line. I think you just got the idea to finish it so quickly you probably wrote it in only a couple of minutes and when you read back over it it probably sounded like you wanted it to, though you didn't see the flaws in the language of the second stanza.
That's okay, I do that a lot.
Overall a good piece, you showed that you've got a way with words and know how to create a good piece of poetry, I'm not so sure how well this would translate to audio because ABAB tends to sound a little too drawn out unless it's only for a short while, and you keep that rhyme scheme throughout...
Good drop, stay up. Hit my recent piece up if you have the chance, it's called "The Journey to Carnal Desire."
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holy moly mother of god LMFAO this was a nice piece witness. i liked how u bolded parts and how sparts werent bolded. i loved ur vocab in this piece. it had nice emotion in it. and ur wordplay and metaphors in this piece was really on point man. overall man this was a real solid piece. keep ^ the good work. i look forward to reading more pieces frum you
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Sorry I have slept on you, but now, I must break out the extensive feedback my man.
I will break it down into sections.
Concept
Alright, the fisrt thing people notice about a piece is the originality of the concept, and how is this piece going to set itself away from every other single piece that lands itself into Open Mic, and I believe you just did a superb job with the mysterious look of the theme, and the author had no idea what it would be about. Believe me, you didn't fail the reader with the simple complexity of just the title. It just grabs you in and just makes you think, what happened the last time I was here? The reader definitely wants something exciting and you definitely gave it to them.
Vocab
Flawless vocab. Very complex and I like the subtle, yet sophisticated approach you took on this poem, and I loved the way it fit in with every line. I really notice that when people take a more extended vocabulary selection it screws up the whole good vibe of the rhyme scheme, and it doesn't flow, therefore it is awkaward to the reader, and even to the author as they struggle to read, and figure out a common flow with the piece. Overall, very nice complexity with the piece, and nice job working out the little kinks that are just general concerns with the Open Mic category.
Emotion
Ah, my favorite part of the piece. Just the simple emotion you put in this piece and how you just put the rememberance of just being in one place and feeling what it is like to just go there, and to just express what the emotions are, and the characteristics of this. Great job on this, and I just love what you've done with it.
"Thorns, pique me hard, my skin is torn
My heart, is crushed, my beloved is doomed..." -
This was awesome imagery and a great emotion venter just with these two lines, and the rhyme scheme AB AB was great also.
Overall
This was a great piece spanning from the complexity of the vocab to the rhymescheme and the emotion put into it. Great job overall with this, and I will look foward to seeing more from you.
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wow,thanks dude,it's really appreciated......drop a link if you want the favour returned. thanks again dude.
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Really, no problem dude. It's cool. It's a great piece, so it deserved good feed.
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303617
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ok this was a very good piece and like I said you are getting better and better and all your reads to date have been worth while.You vocab first of all was very well planned out.as Exact said,you had a sophisticated touch and in my opinion it was just right because you didnt go over the top with the vocab.You were very creative also and I see in all your pieces that that has been one of your stronf points.Imagery was nice as always but you still can be a bit more discriptive but what you have done was just right.Your emotion in this piece was just brilliant.I really really liked it and it really made your piece that much better.As I said to you your approach to the whole thing was very good and I really liked it.Keep this up my friend and don't stop this streak.
-Dyl
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well thank you very much sir, upping
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The Witness can u rtf by leaving feedback on the link in my sig
