-
A Nocturnal Reverie
Wiped the cold from my eyes...
feeling so good cause I still breathe life
looked in the bathroom mirror, I smile,
admiring myself got in a trance for awhile,
splashed water on my face, feeling daze
with brush and paste, I clean the dirty taste.
My body, mind and soul connecting together,
feeling no less greater as I'm using dial soap,
the essence of its smell gives me high hopes,
suds grope my body in a chokehold,
as the hot water looses its bind-Nude unfolds.
Stopped the flow of water with a quick wrist twist,
In the deep mist, I felt a kiss, "Morning baby",
my hormones went crazy, I wasn't going to act shady,
plus I havent gotten some lately, "ohh, ahhh, baby!'
After that I gave her my kids, went to see my own
two beautiful daughters, age 5 but acting grown
sitting in the living room, eating cereal, watching TV,
"Daddy" they both said, feeling pleased, getting teary,
oceans stopped once my stomach growled hungry.
Went to my favorite part of the house, the kitchen
took 2 eggs and in a boil hot water I let it sit in.
Opened the fridge and my face went in shock..kool-aid
today I have enough for me and my throat to taste,
pour me a batch, tilt my head back and said "Oh Yeah"
Bubbles popping in the pot while steam flows into the air,
wipe my lips with my tongue to reminence the taste,
feeling so great and I must say, damn this is a good day.
with a plate, the living room I go, sighting my baby girls
that means everything the world to me, this got to be a dream
Never gotten this treatment before at this early,
"Happy Fathers day"..Oh yeah I forgot, today is june 18.
Leave Feedback And Links to your Pieces So I can return a favor. Thanks
-
-
-
I enjoyed this. The imagery was nice. But at times the wording was a bit tangled. Not that it took away from the imagery but it did effect your flow. The wordplay was nice. I enjoyed the kid like quotes "Oh Yeah" the Kool-aid man. That was funny to me. Giving a lighter feel. Your description of feelings and the way you expressed it was good. Sensual expression was nice"ooh ahh baby". Your quoting moments were good. But just word work on the wording it can ruin a good piece. But I enjoyed this either way.
-
-
-
I really enjoyed reading this piece. Your imagery was great here. Your flow was kind of mediocre. Rhyme scheme was iight. Better than alot of people. I like that you used multi's without stretching the fuck out of it. People have problems with that. Structure was good. Overall, I really liked the piece alot. Keep writing. Good work.
About that collab, just pm me with the topic like tomorrow.
-
this was good i liked it, the imagery was good as in the metaphors were there in parts but the main branch of imagery here was description. I liked the way you described each moment and it allowed a pictue to be painted in my ind which not all oms do.Structure was aight, just space up your verse more e.g. have 6 lines then put a space and have another 6 lines, makes it morre appealing to the eye to read. Overall, a good om, you have potential to become recognised in the future who knows. Just Stay up na mean
-
graphic shit you got here...good storytelling skills for the most part...but i feel you for picking a topic and staying with it. holla at me folk.oNE
-
-
