Rain Seeps

Withered by a excessive life on the thoroughfare
I clamber to the flank of the road and subside
A glance to the sky, and see but a single star
Twinkling like a night light, freeing me inside

I stare blankly into heaven, in blissfull peace
Philosophising on the value of life, and its gifts
As a spirit appears alongside me, and takes a seat
And sings a song so sweet, and impeccably high pitched

‘Life is a bequest, don’t misuse or fling it away
For you get only one, and when life is defunct
Will you suffer on your judgement day?
Will your soul have already sunk?’


This mantra consumed the clamour of the road
Violently implementing my heart and my psyche
And commence paying for the seeds that I’ve sown
I pray for humanity, even the people I dislike

I cry tears of redemption, breaching my heart to God
And gaze in awe, as what I have been taught dissolves
And disappears, as I forget everything else
My health, myself, wealth, and just concentrate on God

I search through my being
and come to a conclusion
The spirit I am seeing
Is merely an illusion
I’m going frenetic
I must die in pain

One viscious gouge
Leaves me in a heap

Blood pours out and I die

As the Rain seeps.

http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=...N%2520RAIN.jpg

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=301588
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...24#post4724924

uppin

up.

this was WAY more fuckin poetic than anything honestly. you seem to be stuck with this poetic style, and your basically pushing enter in the middle of your lines and turning a normal two lines into a four line structure. the rhyme schemes cool, but the internals feel slacked here. for the OM way of thinking here, it's not as ideal as it should be. for poetry, yes it's good. you're pretty cool with most of your writing, the vocabulary is very widespread and used oddly at parts but still good as well ..you got a lot going on in this piece, but there still seemed to be a lot missing. good read nontheless, pretty emotional.

- Nash

this was WAY more poetic than a topical...should have got this in poetic scripture but nice all though...i like your emoton in here real deep and the grip of attention grabbed me and made me read from start to finish which means you grabbed my attention. i agree with cry you had alot going on but something was still missing...the style is nice the flow nice...nothin really wrong just someplaces whre metaz were put didnt seem to fit..or may isee go well meshed together witht he storyline but nice

RTF on the last link in my sig.

I don't need to say again that it's poetic, I think that's obvious and it's more of a read than a rap.. Saying this out loud has to be done quite slowly for any effect. I thought it was okay, a couple parts though.. I mean, first of all, "psyche" is pronounced sigh-key, so it doesn't really rhyme with dislike... I liked that you kept the rhyme scheme steady and stood with your subject most of the time, though at times it seemed a little blurry, especially the rhyme where there were two lines ending with God, which sort of distracted me. That's what I thought and I'm stickin' to it, I guess, I reserve the praise for the pieces that really make me just stop and say, "Wow."

thanks for the feed

Very Nice.....Poetic feel..This was a well formated piece and I like the rhyme scheme you provided ....it made the piece read well....Although some say it may belong in P.S. I think that it's fine here..Everyone thinks O-M is for topical pieces..yet it's O-M open Mic and with that being said I believe that you said what you had to say by posting this piece.....Overall I'd give this piece a 7.9/10....maybe the indepth feeling would have gave it that over the edge feel...But good shit fam ... Keep Elevating.

An enjoyable and thoughtfull piece. Thought provoking if i may ssay so. I liked it, structure was different ot usual stuff which was a pleasant change as it didn't affect the flwow of the poetics. Saying flow i preferred a more spoken, stand up and say out load approach to this. This is the poart that makes this more of a poem than a rap but that doesn't really affect the overall piece in partcular. Overall, a very good piece, Stay up.
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Also, do leave some comment s on this om, when ya get the min:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=301685

Quote:

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This mantra consumed the clamour of the road
Violently implementing my heart and my psyche
And commence paying for the seeds that I’ve sown
I pray for humanity, even the people I dislike

---

this was a very complex and dope piece i like just about everything about it expect the strutre....you had multies in like every line u made this peiece even better with ur flow which like never fell...the topic was just great..and well there aint much else to say...ur becoming a better writer every day and good luck in the playoffs sorry bout the short feed....