It was perfect

I met her in the park...

My mindframe was hiding inside of a grin
Sheepish, next to a girl I'd sleep with
& Her beautiful lips drew a sigh from within
I remembered how I met her, told her it was yours truly
& Her impeccably soft gaze somehow tore through me
She wasn't a heart stopper or jaw dropper
Just had that smooth skin, I would always let her views win,
And she wasn't snoobish, couldn't be called 'proper'
But it wasn't cuz of appearance I sought her attention
Here's what I tried next, The lie test...
So I sidestepped, "Miss, I just thought that I'd mention
.. that I'm a lawyer, I'll make you money & cash"
She just brushed that off, said it was funny & laughed
Of course I didn't have it regardless. She was vocal & yearning
For intelligence, she didn't have much, but was open to learning
We talked for awhile & I just looked at her smile & white teeth
All the while in denial, cuz I wanted control
& a woman this good didn't deserve a tight leash
And it wasn't my job to get up this close to my victims
So that night I put my balls in her throat & she licked em
But it wasn't consensual sex, she smelled the stench of my breath
I could feel her sense of distress & it fueled the fire of a fool's desires
They'll never cool the fire, I have another heart to win
So next morning, I'm strolling around, in the park again. .

Reply, you fuckas!
This is my first piece I've thought was good in a while. If you don't think so say so

how do you give someone who is better than you feedback? that just doesnt work....either i like stuff or i dont, as for me, i like it

Hmm.. 2 links!

anyways, this piece was pretty decent.. a little diffrent, but what I would expect from you. you made it off as it was going to be a love story, but as soon as the:

Quote:

---

All the while in denial, cuz I wanted control
& a woman this good didn't deserve a tight leash
And it wasn't my job to get up this close to my victims

---

Thats when I got your point of view. Like I said, diffrent, but I liked how you added multies, story line, and free flowing rhyme scheme in. Thats what seperates you from other writers. I liked how you didnt force a rhyme at the end of each line. You would get the rhyme eventually.. Nice way to think it out. Pretty good job..

Your welcome for feed bitch :o

Leave some on my piece in sig.

with your frame of mind, i know you have more potential in the OM catagory. but this was a nice piece really ..it was simple, but more so ..MORE normal than anyone elses writing. you bring a sort of simplistic style along with a couple occassional bigger words, and you don't go all out like bounce status :\ lol. but this was a really cool write up anyways.

good read. it was decent :rolleyes:

I didn't like it. I expected more. It was just......... basic. It lacked creativity. Sorry Feebs.

:rolleyes:

Umm... Ok, I'll write a piece for you

ok.. your opener 3 line scheme was iight.. but lenghty.. but it flowed well..

your word choice was coo.. liked how u didn't use vivid visual words all ya words were str8 to the point as in "i kno exactly what u mean ... no thinking hard about it..

the story line i might add was not unique IMO.. but u exicuted the topic very well..

altho i expected more from you at the same time i wasn't dissappointed at all..

nice drop overall..


rtn the feed on my peice similar thoughts.. i
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=301549

lol @ balls in her throat and she licked them.

That part was unexpected but i see what u were tryin to do.. the story-line was well written and had nice imagery. the rhymescheme and flow made it a smooth read, i liked the words u used to rhyme. It's pretty safe to say this piece was original, so yeah the i liked the concept a lot. The ending of it gave me a kinda sad feeling of a cycle that keeps going hopelessly looking for the right one. So good shit...

please return the feed-back in my piece 'im sarcastic and coronas are healthy" it's the link in my sig.. thanks peace.

This was a good read. The wording made the imagery vivid. With great wordplay that smoothened the flow. The storyline was clearly well layed out by the wording. This piece was like Elemental said Original. Giving the reader an idea of what to do when making new material. But back to the story. The rises & drops were great. Though they were at odd time they were still great. Nice drop.