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Animal Farm.
Animal Farm
April 20th 1734
It all started a bright mourning in my African City I heard a commotion
Boats around the peer and I run to talk to my peers asking about the promotion
As we are all talking we hear in deep fear a lot of gunfire in the corn fields
Maybe an animal has been going wild in the farms; Death sends a chilling feel
A few seconds later I reckon everything around me seem to have traded places
Everything was in flames as men with weapons with powder showed up
…with cream colored faces
Everyone in shock no one able to try to scream and make a move; Ask for peace no cruel
The cream man that looked like a corn color said to us without a stutter “ Then you might…
Just want to pay attention to our rules”
The day was beginning to get hot as the sun beamed down on us and we wondered of gods son eyes would beam down on us.
But We all left it in Jesus his hands because he can help us through whats to come with a little bit of trust.
The men put us into straight lines and it seemed like we were chicken in a farm preparing to die
Moms holding on to there young ones tight trying to comfort them to put a halt to their crying
Boaring a Boat that sits elegantly on the ocean by the dirt of a large mass of land everyone standing in a straight stance
No Idea where we are going; Just dying to know what we did; Taking a last feel and last glance
Of where I use to live where I grew up with my family and my neighbors who water me
Into the man I am today; A strong community now we are trapped in all corners see
Give it all up just to know that I would be back I would dare; We didn’t do anything it wasn’t fair
Boarding the ship of dreams and maybe of nightmares the same thing everyone shared
April 21st 1734,
Yesterday has gone by, passed, never to be seen again; In a huge boat 400 plus treated like animals
Don’t know what to do; Hungry, no sunlight no where to relieve myself; Another few hours without food?
….might have to result in a few cannibals
One of the cream men came down from the top of the ship to talk to us; A Few words he said and we all heard enough
Told us that we were headed to the new world known as North America and the travel would be rough
Told us with his calm voice saying: “it’s the land of opportunity, Home of the free and the brave”
Then I could tell we were all wondering why were we naked; in a dark place being treated as slaves…
April 30th 1734,
the days of jerking in this infested boat of releasing from peoples bodies floating on the Boat Floor
Are all over as we grab at the things that we had which were nothing and stepped on the hot
…sandy shore
The first sight of things we items I have never seen before; from what creamed people called docks
Long woodened platforms where people could place there boats and there were a few other shocks
From the moutain of barrells stocked and to the colored house from white to other colors I don’t know …on many blocks
After getting off the boat everyone is naked; A Horrible stench; As small little bugs wonder around us
Come to the point that we are so dirty that even the dirt and the dust find moving away
….is a must
Standing in straight lines as the white people scream and abuse the innocent bystanders
My friend Monique fell to the ground after she was smitten then she was taken away because
…she broke a rule by their standards
Then it was free for all the older men to come and check us and that began a “Hes Mine” battle
…..I was tagged, proclaimed, for a price $52 dollar price like I was some sort of cattle
April 31st 1734,
Working on this plantation growing sugar cane and many other unknown fruits to me
Other workers here but they rarely talk; eyes closed; but maybe they just don’t wanna talk to me
Miss my family, its iching my soul like my back it’s a place that I just cant reach to scratch
I wish I could burn away my feelings; All I need is just a small white burning match
May 1st 1734,
Today I was whipped for picking at a fruit and eating it when I was suppose to do such
My boss or should I say now owner whipped my back; The Pain was like a rivers flowing rush
Wasn’t Much I could do but sit and take it and I now realize not that I am the animal
….Working on the Farm.
To Be Continued…
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Hm... This was a nice read, but you had a few simple errors..
Your lines were pretty stretched.. you could try doing this.. for example
Instead of This:
Everyone in shock no one able to try to scream and make a move; Ask for peace no cruel
The cream man that looked like a corn color said to us without a stutter “ Then you might…
Just want to pay attention to our rules”
Do this:
Everyone in shock no one able to try to scream and make a move;
... Ask for peace no cruel
The cream man that looked like a corn color said to us without a stutter
“Then you might…
Just want to pay attention to our rules”
See how I devided the lines? Well, thats just my style if you dont want your lines to look unbalenced.
Overall besides the fact that your structure and stretched lines, this was a very well thought out piece. A pretty played topic, but you seemed to write to it well, and get as much emotion as possible through your words.
Another thing that you might want to try, write in dialoge.
Instead of "Then you might... just want to pay attention to our rules"
Say what they might have said back then, you know.
"Shut your mouth, an start listenin' to our rules"
Not the best example, but you get the idea
Your flow was on point, just shorten the lines and you'll be fine. Nice piece, keep writing.
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Word. Not my best peice. Ill try to use what you told me. Good looks.
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word this wasnt great but is good and nice real decent but work on structure my dude iight?!....ok vocab was nice uh..complexity is nice too aswell...this was a nice read my dude!..
keep it up.
RTF on the link in my sig im silent
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yo cool piece i like the storyline and the set up but some parts where dry (yo leave feed on 24 danger)
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