Every Time

Entangled in lies the truth is hidden & she still cries
Constant questions answered with lies We seem to die
The concept of the relationship isn't quite there
Her heart is blackened from my deceit N we go on here
The sparks that once flew now burn her soul
Her soul that once shine reflects that which is too old
Phone calls cease and my love for her lays dormant
Laughter lives here no more as if accompanied by a door man
The withering skin cells fall out to relay a message so timid
The words I once whispered ask me how I did it
How'd I manage to hurt the one who loves me all these years
How have i managed to stream her shivering tears
The weather seems to change with her mood....the signs
When shes mad it storms,sad it snows,happy.....not worth trying
The light that once set in our lamp now hangs on the ceiling
Electricity is dead like our relationship........there is no feeling
Her lungs show through her think dress and chest..last breath?
Her lips move"Every time you've hurt heart me Ive waited to rest"
A tear trickled down her once youthful facial structure to the floor
The room became freezing.....the handle broke.....the front door
The exit was sealed the final chance was here..."I love You"
She smiled,her happiest moment in life was now through


That's a bit better lol.

yeah writing/ wording and rythym of poetry was/ flow was good. had coo melodic tones., the whole love song thing seems a bit bleh tho when approached from such a basic and non-twisted angle. so for me needed sum more explicitness / or excitement......... cause seemed to drag on a lil in the same tone. so needed some added concept. emotion course was rhewre., rhymes was ok. got a bit basic tho.....

ending was cool. i liked the stuff going on between the lines rather than say the end rhymes and ish
coo write still

1

The piece overall was tight and emotional. It had depth when u think of intelligent flow. The multi's made it flow well...which is always good for the reader. The ending of the piece was well composed, which you barely see nowadays in open mic.