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The Moment
The clotted emotions,her tears,veins explode
Help was upon the hills,held up in traffic,I suppose
She gasped and grabbed her heart,her pulse fell
The warm tears then became cold,all so real
My knees rested her head as I attempted to revive her
I choked on the blood that flowed from her mouth......
.................................................. My heart now burned
The paramedics knocked continously ignoring my screams
"Come In she's dying"Little did I know was this was a dream
As I awoke from my deep slumber the children called me
"Jov please,please come here she's..she's"it was now reality
I ran down the steps ignoring the glass vase as it fell over
As I reached her side,the gown she wore was soaked,liquor
The paramedics opened the door in a sudden rush,I was moved
They tried to bring her back,her pulse too weak,death gloomed
The anticipation of the children was over whelming,the tears
Fell upon the ground making a trail to her hand,"come here"
She whispered as her hand signaled,I walked over with hesitance
She said"This is real,take the children*coughs*....................
.............................................* please live in my remembrance"
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Dont hurt me :(....
I felt the structre was bleh..Kinda nwebish lol. But liked the wordplay. The flow was good along with the great imaginary. The creativity could have been a lil bit better but o well lol. I like this topic because for some reason it fits you. Dont ask. :) 9-10 Keep it up.
~Leximus
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lol.Thanks old friend.It fits me.Meh I wont ask.
Upp for more feed.
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dhope.
alltho i didnt even read it :coolio:
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well this was nice..but the delivery to me wasnt there..it didnt catch my eye..yes you had great vocab but your nothing without delivery and uniqueness in style and presence and i just felt you lacked the catching the readers attention shit but besides that homie well done my dude.
RTF on the link in my sig.
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it was kinda ill...i didnt feel any real sympathy for her...
just wasnt set up enuff... not really the type of script i dig...
but i know someone wit skill when i see it...nothing relly stood
out for me...maybe the closer...you could feel that ...but dam
duke i dunno anyone who talks like that...
................" please live in my remembrance"
some poetic shit right thurr
........like i said kinda ill...im out stay up peace
