"Good Night Morning Moon"

My flows a little choppy, my metaphores are simple, and my structure needs some work (hell I didn't even capitalize); But you know what...fuck it! Cause if you can't feel this, then you can't feel me....Just doing my thing to the blast of 21 gun shots while sullen ghost rockin&rollin on tombstones.


"GOOD NIGHT MORNING MOON"

http://mud.mm-a3.yimg.com/image/687349052

i see this thing eat away inside of you and try to do my best
but i can't lie to you - i've had a sleepless night or two in complete unrest
cause just the sight of you lying through this mess beats my chest
wish i could die for you give up my life for you just to save one breath
causing major stress - the wage of death becomes the curse of life
find myself cursing Christ enraged by all your hurt and strife
find you singing poems to God in hopes he'll bring you home
lying alone thinning with time as skin clings to bone
being grown one would think i wouldn't behave like this

but this crisis seems to be Christ's way of showing me that life's a bitch

wish he would've taken a different route to show me what this shit's about
so life goes on with or without her - but in my mind exists a doubt
wether i'm being loved or the recipient of cruel intentions
or am i just a fool believing in a fool's inventions
of divine fate so i contemplate on just what is justice?
and if this be love how can i even trust what love is?
with whispered breaths you wish for death and at times me the same
forget about being vain i only want to see you free from pain
and if that means your spirit must fly goodbye then so be it
i've come to grips with the tears i must cry for your soul's freedom
i know you worry about me - i know you're concerned for me
but understand though you'll be gone - our love will live eternally
i'll remember you when you were happy - smile bright as the stars
& i hope you find peace in crease of Jesus' arms - and know that you'll be loved
forever regardless of wether or not you're here to be my lover
i'll find great joy in knowing that we'll one day see each other
once again but until that day you gotta understand my tears
til i can stand my fears of living without you in this land for years
your hand appears to me as that of an angel to take mine
i hope you understand i make strides because of you and take great pride
in knowing that your sweet love will pay off through my life's success
now i can rest assured of God's presence as my life was blessed
with your spirit your love and your knowledge of all the answers
i'm sorry baby - i wish God would let me take your cancer
but since it's coming time for you to rest in that place above you
i just came to say goodbye boo- and to tell you i'll always love you

http://mud.mm-a4.yimg.com/image/1004143896

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=296529
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=299467

This was nice.Imagery was nice,flow good for the wording. The emotion was good. The structure was ok. Each line was fitted with the other so it was easy to read. Overall this was good.

This was a very good peice. The wordplay was very good. The imaginary and creativity were perfection aced. The flow kept it going on and on throught the whole peice. And the structre was nice. 10-10...Keep it up. We should collab some time.

~Leximus

thanx for peeping...i know this isn't the type of shits cats are use to seeing from me, but its one of my more meaningful pieces..so you know...

p.s.-Lex get at me with a verse or a topic and we'll see whats up.

Word, definitely didnt see you throwing curveball like this.

Anyway, the standalone line was really nice, and the imagery in this piece was pretty decent, The overall storyline was pretty decent, even though it has been done a couple times, and i definitely think that you sacrificed all content for emotion, excellent job with that, rhyme scheme was still a little too simple, regardless of the amount of emotion you use, the scheme still sets it apart from being a dope piece or a newbie piece... anyway, decent job, i was expecting more, but ah, wattayagunnado?

hit up "Tomborrow"

Nice dude.

I know it seems kind of weird but I've labeled everyone on RB with titles judging by their specific styles, like Mindless or Atticus. I always expect great cleverness and abstract writing styles from their poetry, or Opus. I always expect the metaphors or extreme reality from his. But from you, I always expect great emotion with AWESOME multis in your pieces. And you didn't fail me on this one. You killed it with the imagery, and emotion in th is piece. Your multis were fine, but they weren't so rapid as I'm used to seeing from you though. I don't care, I loved how you questioned existence in this piece, and it was dope how you worded it. I'd hate to pick out specific lines that I liked, but I liked the whole piece, and the concept was a great choice. You're a creative writer.

Don't doubt the piece at the beginning, because you're not failing anyone. Nice job on this LedgenZ, and I want to read more.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Soulstice

regardless of the amount of emotion you use, the scheme still sets it apart from being a dope piece or a newbie piece...

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^I don't really know what more one could expect out of a rhyme scheme, apart form it actually tap-dancing and jumping through flaming hoops.

lol, anyways thanx for the quality feed...I guess I'll take it into consideration, also thanx to Exact for his words. Matter-a-fact thank every fuckin body for peepind and responding.

good night.

The piece was alot more casual and relaxed, not as obscure as your other pieces. Everything was pretty laid out for the reader. I mean, it was cool because you showed us an angle that you've yet to take yet and experementation is one of the most beautiful things about writing, but I like your other work better. This was cool and had its strong point but I missed the stronger vocab and wittier plays on words to help create imagery and emotion. But this was still cool, a basic piece packed with some raw emotion and coupled with a creative storyline. Nice job man.

This is different from what I usually read from you. It seemed pretty basic but non the less a good read. The emotion in this was extremly good, I was feeling everything you said. The wording of your lines was good but the rhyme scheme was very basic, I usually expect to see really creative and clever lines with a different rhyme scheme, this was more straight to the point. The imagery was decent but I felt what you lacked in imagery you gained in emotion, which is usually the opposite for me. The vocabulary wasn't extremley advanced like I usually expect from you but it didn't need to be in this piece. The topic has been done many times but you brought your own orginanlity to it. This wasn't your best piece but was still a good read. props


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=299966
^Hit that up please