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The Deity
http://www.velocity.net/~edju/Crucified.jpg
Corroded afterthoughts of holy carriers of men
Strike peak as the long handle of time strikes 10
Satan already savoured the cellulose tissue by tissue
Man made miracles leave God as no special issue
The codec’s illuminate the men that hesitate, gravitate
The situation a civil deity on a mission tackling hate
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The Deity is ravaged and whipped with grievous intent
Will Bent on top the of the pain that sinful Satan sent
The bloody pools of ripened liquid ooze his flesh
The body ruptured by the metallic spiked mesh
Yet the deity doesn’t reject what his Lord had said
Through pain yet no fear the Deity raises his head
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The hideous sight hitherto horrors hordes
Of Men that apprehend the idea of Morgues
Yet there were no morgues at the Deity’s time
Twas when the soul in divinity would entwine
But reader how to read the red bile of bespoke
Punishments that gurgle blood from chokes
The Diety never felt more assured, he shouted aloud
“Lord it is time, to lift this unneeded shroud”
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The Blankets of skies teared apart at the scene
Where the Deity was mocked, where his death had been
Yet religious symbols still symbolise the sticks
That formed to become the Deity’s crucifix
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Straight peice man, nothing really connects me to a peice like a peice on religion. this was a great peice because i thought you had a great collaboration of in-depth and high-quality vocabulary, and not only that, but you actually pulled off the flow with these long and extensive words. Presence of multies was good to see. The only thing you lacked a bit were metaphors, but thats alright, your descriptions were very real and can easily make readers feel and believe that they are witnessing his crucifiction. Great peice and keep it up. Kudos to you my man.
Peace and Cheers.
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No probs amd og, preciate the comments thanks.
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if you can homie, leave some feed on my OM and return the favor. thanks.
cheers and peace.
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Dude you need to join Complicity.
Please you dope and its a topical and GFX only crew.
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this peice was quite good, it had giveaway signs that you a relatively new to writing like this, but it was good none the less. this peice was very deep which is what I love to see in an OM, it had a very good storyline and you did very well in describing what was happening with very great detail, your imagery was also quite good it made the peice that little bit better, instead of having a good peice the imagery made this in to a very good peice. I wouldn't go as far as to say this was 'dope' because there were still a lot of things that you could be working on like your wording, it was kind of off in some places, sometimes I had to re-read lines because the wording knocked the flow off a little bit,you will learn how to word your peices properly as you elevate more, I think that you are a beginner, and if you are this was a very good peice for someone who hasn't done this kind of thing much before, if not it was still a nice peice regardless. keep writing and elevating dude, you have a lot of potential. Pz
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...15#post4669215
leave feed on that please
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preciate it, i'm not a beggiener just a writer trying to write his way out of writers block, a blanc phase.
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WEll stilll in the balck phase of writers block if i may say so
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Well this piece was interesting. I felt you took some time on this piece which made it nice. You had some good vocab & word's that made it appealing. This topic was also pretty well choosen. Nice title to use also some what original. You stuck to the topic at time's but at some point's feel kind`of short. But it was qutie interesting. The flow was also nice. Pretty consistent. You could have used metaphor's to make it more appealing but other then that nice piece.
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Oh aight thanks, preciate it
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