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Alone In Wonderland
Mississippi,1945:
Sgt. Sweep told them to ‘read ‘em and weep’
As old man George fell asleep on his seat
Empty bottles and cans littered the wooden table
Within the stable, these old friends reunited
And reminisced the eccentric enemy they had sighted
On that fateful day, when these men made their names
The battlefield had once been their favourite play park
Now these skilled gun men gathered together to talk
Poker chips were counted and handed to 4 men of different race
Trying their up most, to deceive their friends with their poker face
As Old Man George continued to snore……Alone In wonderland
Gallantly they raise their hats to the sun, and prepare with haste
For one last hunt, before these old men once again part ways
For although the war is ended, and memories begin to fade
Still they are great with weapons, for one never forgets his trade
Leaving behind Old George, who has fallen quiet in his slumber
This valiant foursome have one last swig, and ride to end their hunger
This is the time they have anticipated for years on end
One last time, these friends will ride once again
At a startling pace, they gallop away, each one with a joyous face
Riding so fast, one would assume they where in a race
As Old Man George peacefully sleeps……..Alone In Wonderland
The clattering of hooves, and the sweet scent of the forest
Disregards the fact that it is raining in torrents
These men are alive, for the first time in many years
The great thrill of the hunt, brings on many tears
But determined to obtain the catch of the day
And bring home a memoir of this memorable day
With hearts open wide and souls so high
That these war veterans suddenly feel able to fly
Now that these men are hunting again
No longer do they feel old, and past their sell by date
As Old Man George starts drifting away…….Alone In Wonderland
As they gallop back, arms full with the hunted beasts
For once these brave soldiers are completely at peace
They dismount their steed, and step into the stable
Set down the catch, and collapse beside the table
The fast paced hunt has caught up with them in the end
So they decide to have a night cap and hit the bed
They toast their good fortune, and climb in to bed
They hear a gasping breath, and find Old Man George dead
Blue with the cold his deceased body was a fearful sight
As he lay in Sweep’s arms with his eyes closed tight
Old Man George died that night……Alone In Wonderland
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well 1st i dant like the change in colours it lost momentum...part frm that the structure was good.....the ryme skeme wasent good at all lol.....the topic was good though in sum of the verse the rymes wer to basic and kinda childish lol.....but the wording to portray what you was rytin was good..the lines wer not strected and flow really well...over all this was good but not HOF material
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^ Pssht At Romeo..
The Topic Was Well Chosen.. With The Rhymeskeem And Vocab Helping Me Read From Start To End. The Flow And Structure Were On Point, Also With The Metaz. The Change Of Color Shouldnt Have Been Done, Kinda Threw Me Off Course Abit. But Other That That A Good Peice. Like Romeo Said, Not Quite HOF Just Yet.
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Overall...9.7/10
the topic was good...nice flow as well and multies and mettas...i liked the vacab and creativity in your verse also...hot drop...none of it fell off it kept flowin good and the best thing of all is you stayed on topic...i think if you work on it A Lil bit it could be a HOF..hot drop homie..well construcded verse..~1~
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uhm. first off i'd say this war thing is kinda getting over-done by now f'sho.
but w/e........ had a nice format/structure as well was good....had sum cool wordplays....... could do w/ sum mo multies in MY opinion..... had sum dope poetics involved still. so YEAH....... coming along well......... sum rhymes went and rhyme scheme got a bit just ok.bit basic at pints. but worked in a poetic sense...... imagery was good and creativity was there. could of had a lil more oomph......
good drop still
i think you need to read this tho
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=297754
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This had wonderful imagery and a good flow to it. The vocab wasn't too much and was consistent throughout. :) Nice work.
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thanks :D i appreciate it
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very well written. the way you used that alone in wonderland line at the end of each para ..i thought you could've done more with that, like made it fuse with the flow of the piece. the story was pretty sad, i feel sorry for the old man :( ..but nontheless a very well written story. you had a FEW sketchy parts here, where you looked like you were completely going to fall off, and you repeated a few things. but otherwise, pretty good. decent piece, not your best, but still good.
- B. Nash!
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