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Free Falling
Standing in line my heart races to infintity
The motionless activity of standing soon starts killing me
In an attempt to escape from reality I hum a favorite song
But with the climax of the moment the hum didn't last for long
And as the line grew smaller my courage did too
See I thought it grow taller but then again who woulda knew?
That your own mind decieves you at such a critical point
And your joints immobolize and your left with no choice
You can't even move and your so scared you have no voice
You try to say "nevermind" and turn back away from the noise
But inevitebly your body stays crippled with fear
Untill I'm pushed from behind and I get closer near
This monstrosity of metal flying right by my ears
Causes me to shut my eyes and push out a tear
From behind me I hear my friends coversating and laughing
So how could I be so scared yet they be so happy?
I open my eyes and I see that it's are turn on this
I shakingly stumble to the seat and try to strapt myself on to it
And now my heart beats faster I loose sense of my hearing
I close my eyes once more I've never seen blackness so fearing
I open my eyes and see all my friends getting ready
They all seem so calm while I'm anything but steady
And as we all get in the man counts down from 3
1.....2.....and then I let out a scream
I was flying by the world and this wasn't a dream
And I was so happy yet fearful something new inside of me
But as my stomach burned more I had to close my eyes again
The feeling hurt so good and I loved the thrill and the wind
Estimating 1 minute into it the feeling hadn't stopped
My stomach turned into a knot then simutaniously brought to a stop
My eyes still closed as I hear my friends screaming my name
Their screams quickly fade while me and the earth are the same
I feel myself flying and I hadn't had a turn
And I had no longer had the feeling of the beautiful stomach burn
So I open my eyes and see people scattering as I'm aweing
I realize I've slipped out the coaster, and now I'm free falling...
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This was an alright drop man. Throughout the piece though I was just waiting for the emotion to really break out, but it never did. I felt like the descriptions and images your were painting were very vivid and detailed, so when the emotion only came off as average... Everything just didn't balance out in my head. The content was pretty nice, I actually liked how you had alot of easily relatable things like the humming to yourself and stuff. Another thing I would have like to of seen more developed is the flow... It was very simplistic and it made the piece drone at times. Overall, ok piece, I see potential in you to be a great storyteller though. Keep it up man.
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Thnx for the feed...anymore, leave links by the way I like reading new shit.
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the vocab and grammer wasnt really there and for a well written piece that comes in handy , u dont use alot of vocab which makes the imagry alot less and dims the emotion on the pieces so i dunno if u lack that skill but if u dont work on using it.the flo lacked more than a simple nursery rhyme scheme u didnt really come out strong and it seemed steady but slow throughout the piece try to work on adding somthing unique and catchy to the flo. other than the grammar lacking in the piece the emotion and imagry was good. nothing was really outstanding but it was a good piece. i would like to see more from u and see u elevate
Plez leave feed on my second OM , thnx
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Thnx for the feed...uppin.
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yo can u leave feed on the OM in my sig thnx, its called I have a choice
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Yea my bad I kinda forgot but ima read it right now.
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shit uppin again...feeds always returned.
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battle
i gotta give this to sofly
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battle
i gotta give this to sofly :boobies: i love tits
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You gotta be kidding me...you^ cant be that stupid...uppin.
