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The incident and the man
Like a madman he screams in his dreams, his eye gleams
Let’s streams of tears fall like neon beams, through any means
He has to be saved, raised before the town gets razed a blazed
Feelings run in dead peelings of ravaged bodies bleeding
Kneeling he prays for forgiveness, he was caught stealing
The life of men, ten were burnt at the pier, in hellish fire,
The quire soulfully sang as the gang of boats rang
Their horns to flee their new born, to safety from atrocity
Monstrosity, the survivors were left to die, OH what a felony
End this lesson in history, telling you to forget the past
………….Live in the future, that’s the only way to last
The man who survived, lives now in asylum
Just a….Mental distortion wishful extortion, caution
The evil brain to attain peace for a while I ring the dial
To heaven, it’s 10 past 7, times out, I fall start to shout
Voices make noises, they speak, am I mad maybe mystique
Thoughts streak, beeps peak the graph forget the aftermath
Scrape the solitary surrounding, founding senses clouding
Eyes see lapis lazuli skies, man tries, bats arms while he flies
“Joy and woe are entwined, something like the soul divine”,
Suns gone, end of song, go to the cell where I belong,
……Nightmare begins of bullets entering our skins
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it was nice but not the best i've seen from you :P keep it up
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Thanks, i know it's something different to my usual stuff, but preciate you taking out time
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Yo pak i really liked that piece there. the structure was perfect and the flow was consistent, the topic was original and it fit the title perfectly. i liked the multis in ur verse and i like how you rhymed 2-3 to even 4 times in a line, i find that pieces sound better when the artist does that and it helps the flow alot... the rhymes were good, and i like how u made it so every bar seemed so natural... there were a couple lines in there that seemed a little forced, almost like u were trying 2 hard 2 rhyme, but when u rhyme i think it should sound as if it happened by coincidence... i dont kno if that makes sense 2 u or not but i hope u catch my drift
awesome piece man and keep it up, if u got a spare moment, drop some feed on my OM titled When God Was To Late. thanks and good work
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o yeah .. i see u incorporating sum rap flow into this joint... giving it a move along with some internal rhyming and mults.........vocab was nice and placed smoothly........
the forward movement of the writing was good and had exitement to it. thus leading me to read on...........yeah 1 of the titest flows i seen u drop so far.. a couple of wordplays could of been developed a bit further in a couple instances. but then doing such prolly would of meant losing out on structure... n me personaly i do like to see, or hear a couple of explicit bars... or something crazy and visual say........
dope piece still.............
sorry for my ever shitty feedback...guess i'll be banned by -brix now
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I really liked this piece. At first I liked it but those first couple of lines were worded awkwardly so I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about this piece, but it really picked up as I went on. I've read a few of your pieces recently, and it seems like you always kind of just pop up with this quick little write up that are pretty dope... I'd really love to see like a full length open mic from you. Again, with this piece you had your typical poetic styling, which, of course I love because first and foremost I'm a poet aswell, so I really apreciate those poetic qualities and strong metaphors. Uuuum, emotion, imagery, everything was pretty much on point. I would just really like to see a nice lengthy piece from you. Great job here though.
I'd apreciate it if you could leave feedback on my new Om:
"When the Elephant Walks..."
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287748
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iight pak this shit was good homie.Really like it.......Imagery and creativity was dope as hell.Took a while for me to actually get into it but when I got into it I read it again and again.It really stuck in my head.I see you have been writing a lot of shit latley and it really is very good..Your getting better and better.I really think ya should put ya shit on a track or something because I think your work is good enough for the whole world to hear.You speak with a lot of emotion and I really like this.Keep ths up and as always i'l be reading your work.Post links of all your work in Imminent Evolution bro iight.Nice shit
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Thanks, really preciate all the comments and preciate y'all taking time out to read all this
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i liked this peice..i really did....topic was interesting and pretty different and i saw sum creativity in it.....rhymes were nice..the few multies u had in here were nice..flow was nice and smooth..imagery was nice....vocab and complexity was nice as well...overall this was an enjoyable peice to read..keep it up..ad can u give sum feed on my new OM its should be one of the peices on the top of the page..thanks..peace~
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Aight i'll check ya pieces...ayo street i'll check your piece in a min, i'm going out ta eat yet
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a couple more comments and i'll be happy
