-
10,000 Tales.
A story..
10,000 bottles of beer on the wall,
10,000 bottles of beer.
Knock one down, count it back round,
999 bottles of beer on the wall..
I'm lost in the late seventies, & I know ahead of me comes electro-therapy
I have 23 ECT's, 3 times a week - & even now, I dunno who I be.
I dunno who I see, as strangers in white coats grab a hold of my soul
Electrodes turn my emotions cold. Whether they know, how my life unfolds
Or whether they kill my thoughts of old.. I still feel what its like, alone.
Onto my "comfort zone", with padded walls that speak, whipser and groan
Working for drones who seclude me - on my own, without a phone to call
My loved ones at all. I feel like a sheltered, stiffed up parasol,
But without anything to balance me out, stupid and useless to shout
Obscenities, when they hold my amenities forever in their cluth of doubt.
My life is about - remembering long term memories, that will always be
Something that means so much to me, for my short term cannot see
What I've become, washed up World War II scum - thats forgotten
Just another bitter, old man who's slowly sunk to the bottom.
They've drained me rotten, I feel empty enough to fill my body in tears
But with so much already erased, I haven't cried in years.
465 bottles of beer on the wall,
465 bottles of beer.
Knock one down, count it back round,
464 bottles of beer on the wall.
He's still the same.. motionless to lame, one of few, easy to maintain.
Through his glare of pain, I see he still thinks that we fried his brain.
& that we're inhumane - all we did was analyse his thoughts 'n' dreams
Down the bottom of a problem, which leans towards it torn at the seams.
Born to receed, and leave a poor boy to grieve for what he believes
Is the truth - yet medical proof just proves his mind's treading leaves.
Rejecting what he needs.. & thats his head in a clinical safe-state.
Not a cynical mind-frame, of a war veteran devoured to this date..
He either cowers, hates - or spits back the contents of his plate
Into a sweet nurses face. Brought into a world at the wrong time & place.
But ain't that fate?
*A 17 year old boy who graced our steps and slept at our gate
Only to awake, shaking in violence, hauntingly silent.. he waits
For US to speak HIS name - & with that, the trust is gone.
Suddenly attacks the staff so brutal & strong..
.. he's put into a comfort cell, where for now, he belongs.*
.
& for that same song he sings, kills my own soul and acts a sign
We'll probably never know what's going on in this poor kids mind.
200 bottles of beer on the wall,
200 bottles of beer.
Knock one down, count it back round,
199 bottles of beer on the wall.
-Brix.
-
-
Damn... I really liked this piece. It made me think of "One Flew Over the Koo-Koo's Nest" the entire time, which I liked because I loved that book. The entire piece was very engadging and was a perfect looking glass into the mind of the lost so to speak. The detail and such made it seem as though you really knew what you were talking about, as if you actually researched everything you were talking about. Everything from the actual rhyming to the content flowed flawlessly and I loved the sort of "wide eyed inosence" that the main character sort of portraid. Just overall I really loved everything about this. Lol, slowly you're becoming more and more like Bounce in the sense your mind is surpassing everyone's... The knowledge you gave about insane asylums was kind of eerie. Oh, loved the "Bottles of bear" chorus type settup aswell, that was a perfectly selected little jingle. Just added to the overall brilliance and understanding of your own character.
I'd apreciate it if you could return the favor:
"L.A. Reed Bought my Soul"
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=287417
-
Dope fucking piece Brix. I actually re-read it over again, and not because I had trouble understanding it or anything like that. I just liked the piece. You used vocab that was complex enough to make it well written yet not to hard to understand. Worded your sentences perfectly, flow never fell off point. Everything about it was nice. Imagery unfolded into nice scenes which was perfectly broken down by the nursery rhyme that cut in between each verse. A very nice piece. Props.
-
I'm lost in the late seventies, & I know ahead of me comes electro-therapy
I have 23 ECT's, 3 times a week - & even now, I dunno who I be.
I dunno who I see, as strangers in white coats grab a hold of my soul
Electrodes turn my emotions cold. Whether they know, how my life unfolds
dope way to open it
this was really an i mean REALLY....dope i liked this drop alot
ur flow was jus like perfect it never really fell i think in like maybe 2 lines it did
vocab was amazing u had nice choice in words an it all fit in perfectly
tha structre was tha weakest part but its still very good i could read it perfect
ur topic was really good i have neevr seen this kinda topic before ur a really dope writer an this is tha first thing ive read from u
A 17 year old boy who graced our steps and slept at our gate
Only to awake, shaking in violence, hauntingly silent.. he waits
For US to speak HIS name - & with that, the trust is gone.
Suddenly attacks the staff so brutal & strong..
.. he's put into a comfort cell, where for now, he belongs.*
nice an dope way to end it
plz leave feed on tha om in my sig
-
i always love it when someone takes a classic know rhyme or fairy tale or whatever and blend it into rap/topical.... just with the elements and the enviroment it already creates in ones mind from past experiences its phenomenal... and i thought you really capture that well... i guess you could call it imgaery... but more of emotin mixed in with another element.... flowed with your own style.... i can hear the voice on these ones.... great work bro keep it up :P
-
-
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=288670
its getting no feed... please help me out. and people scroll over sigs so i thought id leave it up top
as for my feed here.
----------------------
What I've become, washed up World War II scum - thats forgotten
Just another bitter, old man who's slowly sunk to the bottom.
in your firs verse this bar i felt had the most significant emotional and physical relevance.
He's still the same.. motionless to lame, one of few, easy to maintain.
Through his glare of pain, I see he still thinks that we fried his brain.
& that we're inhumane - all we did was analyse his thoughts 'n' dreams
Down the bottom of a problem, which leans towards it torn at the seams
you picked the pace up in your second verse, and these are the lines that shifted my expressions, you really had good emotional into this second verse
-------------------------------
flow- it was pretty consistant, you didnt fall off of the same rythmn which was really good and you did have nice multis which only helped it out. the only thing that was a little edgy was carrying the flow to the next line and starting a new rhyme scheme, all in all i think your flow was one of your highest points, i think it by itself could make this an actual audio track.
content- the content was iight, i still felt a piece missing after i read it, maybe cuz a wanted more :mad: .....
vocab- not the highest ive seen, but you definitly had some good vocabulary.
imagery- i could picture a WWII vet in action then suddenly drinking his sorrows of not becoming one of the purple-hearted and recognized navy, military, etc. but to me, i thought it was good imagery.
mental connection- between you and the character you were describing, i didnt get such a description about his past or what exactly he did in the war...<
physical connection- REALLY vivid, i think you described every aspect... no comment on this *in awe*
and brix....
10,000 bottles of beer on the wall,
10,000 bottles of beer.
Knock one down, count it back round,
999 bottles of beer on the wall..
^^^no.....
10,000 bottles of beer on the wall,
10,000 bottles of beer.
Knock one down, *pass it around,*
999 bottles of beer on the wall..
Rofl.... that is the actual nursery rhyme^
-
NOW this is actual Nomination Material.
-
This was a masterfull peice. The story it slef was incredible. I really liked the flow. The wordplay was wonderfull. I like centered structre. But this structre was nice to. Keep it up. Deffenently HOF work.
-
dat was sum serious material right there man was long but u managed 2 keep the rhymin intact and the flow was tight the story was off the hook dis deverse sumthin for real. good work man keep dat shit up
-
